Response #45 (scraps)

Funeral Plans:

When I die, I want to reserve a large field -- Kansas, say -- and I want
it roofed over, because I don't want a wet funeral. I want an honor guard
from all five military branches, and a new branch created for the occasion
and disbanded immediately therafter. My casket should be made from the
material of the Fortress of Solitude, filled with all my possessions and
those of my neighbors, and it should be shot into space at the end of the
ceremony. All living Nobel laureates should be present to pay their
respects. The eulogy will be a duel between Garrison Keillor and Spalding
Gray. The National Symphony, conducted by Leonard Slatkin, will play a
funeral mass specially discovered among the unpublished papers of Duke
Ellington. A bountiful feast of my favorite foods will be prepared and
ceremonially burnt. All attendant mourners will not cease from the
business of mourning, which will include (but not be limited to) wailing,
gnashing of teeth, and rending of garments. The leaders of all major
nations will attend and declare everlasting peace; nations whose leaders
shall be present will include Russia, China, India, Brazil, Germany, Great
Britain, Canada, and Burkina Faso, because I like the name. A national
holiday will be declared. No business will be conducted for two weeks
following. Mass suicide in the face of the hopelessness of continuing
without me will be discouraged but tolerated. Toads will rain. Ice
will cover the earth.

But I don't want it to be showy; it should be dignified. 

© 2003, The WELL
The WELL is a registered trademark of Salon Media Group, Inc.,
and a Salon.com Community

Website Feedback