Near Life Experiences: The Best of Jon Carroll

©1993 by Jon Carroll With Foreword by Anne Lamott

ISBN 0-8118-9397-4

[from "I Think I'm Losing My Whatchamacallit"]

I first realized that I was losing vital brain functions when...well, I can't remember the first time I realized it. I think it was right around that big holiday in September, the picnic one. You know.

It was right around that picnic holiday that we were with Fred and Fred's wife Una. Not Una. Edith? Can that be right? Starts with a vowel, though. Irene? Doesn't matter. We were eating dinner at that place right behind the place where the symphony plays.

I remember it clearly because it was the first time I had that fish with the funny name. Orange something. The fish itself was not actually orange; I remember noticing that. Orange roughneck. That can't be right. Came on a plate.

Well, of course it came on a plate. Ha ha. So we were with Fred and Utne at that doodah restaurant, two syllables, and Fred said to me, "In your new glasses, you look just like...." Now I can't remember.

Fred remembered the name of the Russian guy. You know the one: Finland Station, buried in a tomb. Not Stalin. Come on, everyone knows him; he's really really famous. Wore glasses that looked a lot like my glasses. People used to say he looked a lot like Frank Bardacke. That Russian guy.

Frank Bardacke. Isn't he famous? Who am I thinking of? William Hurt? Is William Hurt the Elephant Man guy, or is that John Hurt? Or John Heard? Which onewears the glasses?

Doesn't matter. Fred says to me, roughy. That's the name of the fish. Fred doesn't say that; I just remembered it. Whew. Orange roughy. Remembered it right off. Boy, for a minute there I thought I'd really lost it, ha ha.

So this was a really interesting moment, when Fred says to me that in my new glasses I look just like you know. Because when he said that, I said: "What glasses?"

I had forgotten that I was wearing glasses! And that was weird because I'd gotten my glasses only the week before at the Whatsie Center, you know, the one with the phone number that ends in 2020, very cute.

Maybe you don't know. But I should remember because I was really irritated that I had to get prescription reading glasses instead of those $10 jobbies I get at the place near the freeway with the big parkinglot. But I have to get the expensive kind because I have asymmetricism.

Not asymetricism. That's not even a word. That thing that people get that's neither farsighted nor nearsighted. It's the other thing. I have it. And the net result is that I have two pairs of glasses except usually I don't because I can't remember where I put them. I've learned to look in the refrigerator. You get crafty after a while. No matter what I've lost, I look for it in the refrigerator. And I can always find the refrigerator.

It's right next to the small box that cooks things with waves. Where was I? Refrigerator, glasses, fish, that Russian guy, Elephant Man... wait a minute. Were we talking about the Elephant Man? Why would we do that? Wonderful movie, though. David Lynch, Mel Brooks, Marla Ekberg.

But... no, wait. Marla Ekberg was my girlfriend in the ninth grade. What a stupid mistake. It was that other actress... Anne Bancroft. That's it! Married to mel Brooks, who produced The Elephant Man directed by David Lynch and starring John Hurt!

That should dispel any rumors about my memory. I've welcomed this opportunity to demonstrate my continued competence. Have you seen my shoes?