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to front pageBeloved readers from all over the bioregion, knowing my tastes and my obsessions, send me superior examples of odd prose. I file these examples -- more accurately, I hurl these examples -- in a convenient bin where I can easily lay my hands on them the next time I want to write another very fine odd prose column.
Alas, in the process of hurling the bits of paper, sometimes the name of the person who sent me the odd prose becomes separated from the prose itself. This presents a problem when I come to write my column, a problem I propose to bull my way through in the paragraphs below.
Someone whose name could very well be Elizabeth Lady from Not Available, Ca., sent me this actual advertisement from Women's Wear Daily. It is a "Brief Introduction to the (Group) Corp." prepared by the Guangdong Animal Byproducts Import & Export Corpo ration of Guangzhou, China. Already I am charmed.
"Grew out of Animal Byproducts Imp. and Exp. Corp. Which having an import and export history of 43 years, it has formed an international marketing network of import and export trade of animal by-products and part of light industrial products. . .
"It angages [sic] in import and export busienss of leather, fur, garments, carpets, cases and bags, shoes, featherm brushes, rabbit har, glue, downs, casings & foodstuffs, native produce, light industrial products, cereal, oils and foodstuffs, textiles , garments, artex, ceramics, arts & crafts, metals & minerals, chemicals, medicines & health products, machinery & equipment, stationary [sic] and sporting goods, barter trade, store,transport, advertising, real estate, processing with samples, assembling with supplied components, compensation trade, foreign capital introducing etc.
"It will open up the financial source widely exploit in the whole aspect and migrate toward a pluralized, internationalized and modernized transnational corporation."
My favorite part is the "etc." Lord, what else can an animal byproduct be expected to do?
And now, from our very own United States of America, sent in by Mumble D. Foobar of Nemo, Nev., comes this striking statement on the back of a box of Nature's Path Heritage Muesli, whose motto is, and I'm serious about this, "A Historic Relationship in Every Bite," as follows:
"Bring a spoonful of Heritage Muesli up to your mouth and enjoy an opportunity to preserve our agricultural genetic heritage, steward present day organic farming, and help develop a lasting culture for future generations.
"With every delicious mouthful -- the organic farmer, we the cereal blenders, you the eater and Nature herself become united in an intimate relationship of agriculture."
That does seem to be a bit much to take in the morning -- some of us, after all, have to get to work, and have only a limited amount of time for an all-out orgy with several breakfast food entrepreneurs, an unknown number of randy organic farmers and a Mother Earth her own bad self. Maybe during a work stoppage or something. I'll call.
Finally we have this wonderful model of concise commercial prose, sent in by Steven Kazan of Piedmont (my favorite city), who in turn discovered it on the front of a package of photographs taken in Japan by his daughter and developed there.
Kitamura, the photo developing company, makes this solemn pledge: "We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell.' We want to realize that is 'It's well that' that is our opinion."
See, if only American companies had that attitude, we'd be a lot better off, although we would still be (alas) hip-deep in animal byproducts of Chinese manufacture. Say, maybe a spoonful of the Muesli wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
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