"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

Enter here for a pictoral history of me: a shameless, yet satirical retrospective of my silly life.

This section will take you to all the pictures I've taken in my travels (including cycling trips). There are also sections on people, events, and a collection of artsie-fartsie photos.

Visit my Main Photos Page

Deep Impact
Les Miserables
Two Girls and a Guy
The Spanish Prisoner
The Rainmaker
The Game
Box Of Moonlight
Career Girls
Independence Day
Chain Reaction
Donny Brasco
Escape From LA
Liar Liar
Lone Star
Mars Attacks!
Cable Guy
Sling Blade
Star Trek: First Contact
A Time to Kill

Try my Java game, Dots. It's the old game you used to play as a kid where you connect-the-dots and score points if you complete a square. Give it a try!

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New short story! Rosie, California (reading time: 60-90 minutes)
George Foster is the last of a dying breed of good, honest politicians, running for re-election for Mayor of San Bolina, California. His opponent is just the opposite: a dirty, mud-slinging profiteer, masquerading as a God-fearing proponent of family values. Can George accept this new way of playing politics, or does he give up and run away from his problems? He finds the answers to both these questions in the small town of Rosie, California.

Previously new short story: The Legacy (reading time: 20-30 minutes)
Imagine what it would be like if you could read someone's mind. Not just what they are thinking, but how they feel, including their experiences, their emotions, their very being. Join Max the dog and his master when, during a routine jogging run, accidentally stumble upon a secret that allows them to do just this.

The following list of amusing anecdotes are things I picked up on the net over many years. Keep in mind: this is satire.

Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods.

-Japanese proverb
Arguing: strategies.
Rodney Dangerfield
Your Job
Product Labels.
Kid Proverbs
Tactful Descriptions
Theological Engineering
Investigating God
Job Salary Survey
Iraqi TV Shows
Fun Facts
Funnier Facts
Fascinating Facts
Weird Facts
More One-liners
Henny Youngman One-liners
Amazing Trivia
Inspirational Sayings
The Gorilla
Cold Weather
Courtroom Questions
Rules of the Universe
Famous Jewish Names.
Jewish Rules.
Jewish Singles Ads.
Life's Jewish Instructions
Death by Analogy.
Internet Maxims
Net Acronyms
New Terms for the 90s.
Old Truths
Life's Truisms
Before/After Love
Redefined Words
Writing Rules

Achieving 99.9% is good enough.
Amazing Anagrams
Bumper Stickers
MORE Bumper Stickers
Quips from comedians
Quotes My favorites.
More Quotes My favorites.
Beer Quotes from famous people
Sports Quotes
Pooch Quotes
Southern Non-Quotes
Answering Machine messages.
Hindsight is 20/20 vision.
The Beast and his numbers
Chickens: why they cross roads
The Value of Time
Morsels: one-line witticisms
Idiot Test: how dumb are you?
Rhetorical Questions. Don't ask.
Quips from Steven Wright
Warning: Pun Alert

Getting Old
Baby Boomers: Then and Now
Deductive Reasoning
Glossary: Today's Neologisms.
French Sayings: c'est un scream!
The V-Chip in books! Oy.
Your First Mammogram.
Women's T-shirts.
T-shirt Sayings.
Men are Lunatics and Women are Idiots.
Quoting Women
East/West Coast Translation Table
Personal Ads
Funny Signs
Computer Viruses
Cartoon Physics
Big Deal!
Dan Quayle, the scholar.
Congress and Litebulbs
Dogs and Litebulbs
Light Bulbs: A Legal Contract
Test your wits Try these puzzles!
"Experts say..."

The Blues: A How-To Guide
Dr. Seuss: his lesser-known books.
The Heroine Barbarian: an operetta.
English: it's harder than you think.
Sys-Admins and God: do they exist?
School Prayer: A lesson in life
Rosh Hashonna: Throwing of Bread
Translations for personal ad lingo
Chrissie Hynde: Advice to Chicks
Scientology: Proof by proclamation...
Australia: The not-founding of...
Primate Psychology: An Experiment
Los Angeles Driving Test
Ethnicity of Jesus

A computer that composes music. Press here for the music, or press here for the article about it.

I used to write a lot of software for the X Window System. After doing that for many years, Tim O'Reilly talked me into writing a couple of books, which started me on a prolific writing career. The following is a list of my published books as well as other works.

Volume 6A: Motif Programming Manual
Volume 7: XView Programming Manual (no web page; the book is obsolete)
Foreword for Using Motif with C++
Integrating Personal Computers in a Distributed Client-Server Environment (edited by Raman Khana)
This book is a collection of papers written by various industry experts. My contribution was the email chapter, which covers cross-platform email systems, open systems architectures, and integration of disparate networks. There is no web link available.
Other published works...

argv, 1984
A lot of people ask me why my account name is argv and what it means. Back in 1984, a friend of mine, Don Hatch, and I got onto the computer system at school (UC Santa Cruz) using a security password we weren't supposed to have.
My Work-Study Program
Since the only thing we wanted to do was create new accounts for ourselves that wouldn't be removed at the end of the school year, we had to choose mysterious account names so we wouldn't be recognized. Without thinking ahead on this, we just used the first two words that came to our heads: argc and argv. (For you non-technical people, those are obscure terms that refer to the words that you type when entering commands into a computer.)

We became well-known in our little community for that little stunt, and by the time I got my first job out of school, my reputation had preceded me, so they gave me "argv" as my account name. And it's been that way for every employer I ever worked for. so, I kept it. For more personal info, read my personal history.

All links have expired, so this section is now obsolete.

Thanks to:

Thank you for your attention.

All text, photos and nose character animation © 1985-2000 Dan Heller.
(Other images not copyrighted unless otherwise noted.)