these are really funny ... all one-liners! ...so to speak...

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"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And 
I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it."

"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, 
and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a 
regular window."

"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I 
am now."

"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the 
police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started 
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

"If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet 
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a 
magazine."

"I think that a hat that has a little cannon that fires and then goes 
back inside the hat is at least a decade away."

"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think 
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures to 
teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting 
the vulture."

"If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay 
it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby."

"If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a 
good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not."

"When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. 
And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV."

"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, 
looking through your stuff."

"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a 
slice of lemon for freshness?"

"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing 
each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."

"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a 
lot of money.'"

"Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of 
life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after 
a little torture."

"Let's be honest: isn't a lot of what we call tap-dancing really just 
nerves?"

"The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms 
when I thought, "What am I doing?"

"I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how 
many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you 
mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise it makes no sense."

"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a 
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse."

"You know what makes good hair for a snowman? Real hair. Don't ask me 
why, but it works."

"One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a 
box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick in your face."

"Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did 
once, because the faster you go the later you think you are."

"You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your 
feet and then somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the 
ceiling."

"Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone 
gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way."

"One thing about my aunt Nadie: she was gruff on the outside, but if you 
ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you."