Marriage:

"I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better."
	--Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
        -- Rodney Dangerfield

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
        -- Phyllis Diller

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
        -- Henny Youngman

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his
second wife to his success.
    - Jim Backus

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.  That must be
why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
    - David Bissonette

A man is incomplete until he is married.  After that, he is finished.
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper.  Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
    - Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
    - Lisa Hoffman

She's a lovely person.  She deserves a good husband.
Marry her before she finds one.
    - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a
woman.  And behind her stands his wife.
    - Groucho Marx

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.
    - Jackie Mason

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and
those inside desperate to get out.
    - Montaigne

By all means marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.  If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.
    - Socrates

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
    - Lana Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
    - Mae West

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
    - ???

Marriage is bliss.  Ignorance is bliss.  Therefore ...
    - Anonymous

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they
try to decide which one.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry
someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Marriage is a gamble.  You start with a pair.  He shows a diamond.
She shows a heart.  Her father has a club.  His father has a spade.
There's usually a joker around somewhere.  On the Honeymoon, he becomes
straight and she gets a flush. After a while he becomes a king and she
becomes a queen. Soon they end up with a full house.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
In both marriage and a restaurant you order what you want, then when you
see what the other folks get, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"  "Yes, I am," she replied
"I married the wrong man."

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree
and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his mother, "Mommy," how much does it cost to get
married?" And the Mom replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying
for it."

Young Son:  Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?  Dad:  That happens in
most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late.

When a newly married woman looks happy we know why.  But when a
ten-year married woman looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating.  In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens.  In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens.  In the third year, they both speak and the
neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you."  And the wife replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in
love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still
ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:  "Wife wanted."  Next day
he received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing:  "You can
have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing:  either the car is new or the wife.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire."  "And what was he before you married him."  Asked the
friend.  The woman replied, "A multimillionaire."

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married
the wrong man."