Never raise your hands to your kids.  It leaves your groin unprotected.
-Red Buttons

I have a daughter who goes to SMU.  She could've gone to UCLA here in 
California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember.    -Sheckly Greene

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.Motorists 
are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
-Ronnie Corbett

They think they can make fuel from horse manure...  Now I don't know if 
your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure
gonna put a stop to siphoning.   -Billy Holliday

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:  "I wanna 
know your name"         -Mike Binder

I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you 
must eat it with naked fat people.      -Ed Bluestone

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.
-Steve Bluestone

Everything is drive-through.  In California they even have a burial 
service called Jump-In-The-Box.         -Wil Shriner

Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and 
anyone driving faster than you is a moron.
-George Carlin

You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where the
hell she is.           -Ellen DeGeneris

I'm not into working out.  My philosophy:  No pain, no pain.
-Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be 
caught dead in otherwise.          -Roger Simon

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in 
business.         -Shelley Berman

You have a cough?  Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow 
you'll be afraid to cough.        -Pearl Williams

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.  Next morning buy 
it back for seventy-five cents.          -Billiam Coronel

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-Dave Edison

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many 
lawyers?         -Calvin Trillin

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches.  I wish I could.  It's
like having a little pet for your face.
-Anita Wise

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. 
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.       -Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."  The 
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank 
robbery has just taken place. -Johnny Carson

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-Will Rogers

It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin'
on the clothesline.       -George Lindsey

Never moon a werewolf.         -Mike Binder

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by 
candlelight.         -George Gobel

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second 
day you're off it.  -Jackie Gleason