- Hangover:  The wrath of grapes.
- Income Tax:  Capital punishment.
- A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
- "Sects! Sects! Sects!" said the first monk to the second. "Is that all
    you think about?"
- Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
- To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
- A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats,
  and the police didn't have anything to go on.
- Middle Age:  When actions creak louder than words. 
- Egotist:  One who is me-deep in conversation.
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
   root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
- Two atoms run into each other. One atom says, "I think I lost an
   electron." The second atom asks, "Are you sure?" The first atom replies, 
   "I'm positive."
- Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard
   tines?
- Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
- Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common? A: They both
   involve sandy claws.
- Archeologist:  A man whose career lies in ruins.
- Kleptomaniac:  One who can't help himself from helping himself.
- Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
- Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a
   pizza my mind.
- The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her
   doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
- Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00"
- Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? He strained
   himself.
- California smog test: Can UCLA?
- The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"
- Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled.
- A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel
   with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I 
   told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
     
                                ****
     
Popular Oxymorons 2
     
   1. Act naturally
   2. Found missing
   3. Resident alien
   4. Advanced BASIC
   5. Genuine imitation
   6. Safe sex
   7. Airline food
   8. Good grief
   9. Same difference
  10. Almost exactly
  11. Government organization
  12. Sanitary landfill
  13. Alone together
  14. Legally drunk
  15. Silent scream
  16. British fashion
  17. Living dead
  18. Small crowd
  19. Business ethics
  20. Microsoft Works
  21. Soft rock
  22. Butt head
  23. Military intelligence
  24. Software documentation
  25. California culture
  26. New classic
  27. Sweet sorrow
  28. Child proof
  29. "Now, then . . . "
  30. Synthetic natural gas
  31. Christian scientists
  32. Passive aggression
  33. Taped live
  34. Clearly misunderstood
  35. Peace force
  36. Temporary tax increase
  37. Computer jock
  38. Plastic glasses
  39. Terribly pleased
  40. Computer security
  41. Political science
  42. Tight slacks
  43. Definite maybe
  44. Pretty ugly
  45. Twelve-ounce pound cake
  46. Diet ice cream
  47. Rap music
  48. Working vacation
  49. Exact estimate
  50. Religious tolerance
  51. Liberation theology
  52. Progressive conservative
  53. Sovereignty association
  54. Jumbo shrimp
  55. Virtual reality