"...charisma, a quality most people translate into credibility."
	Fred Goldman's attourney, commenting on OJ Simpson's loss of
	credibility resulting from inconsistencies in his depositions.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, human happiness does not
seem to have been included in the design of creation. It is only we,
with our capacity to love, that give meaning to the indifferent universe.
		-- Woody Allen, _Crimes and Misdemeanors_

"My psychiatrist says I have a messiah complex.  But I forgive him."            
	-- Jim Carrey

"When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather -- not
screaming, like the passengers in his car."
	       -- Emo Phillips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
	       -- Emo Phillips

When I was little, I played baseball with my friends. They had
me play the catcher. I was ok with it until I saw baseball played
on TV and I thought, "gee, that catcher doesn't have his hands
tied to his ankles."
	       -- Emo Phillips

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction
workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told
me I was a paranoid lunatic...in morse code.
	       -- Emo Phillips

I used to think that the brain was the most fascinating part of
the body. Then I realized, "look who's telling me that!"
	       -- Emo Phillips

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I
wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!
	       -- Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist,
a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the
God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't
believe?"
	       -- Quentin Crisp

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning
of which I disapprove.
	       -- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
	       -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
	       -- Mark Twain

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I      
hate plants."
        - A. Whitney Brown

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there are men on base."
        - Dave Barry

"Limbaugh was wailing about how feminists believe that all hetero-
 sexual sex is rape. The thing is, though, I know of a lot women,
 almost all of whom consider themselves feminists, and I know of
 only one who actually holds this belief. And we've been married
 for nearly twenty years."
	- Al Franken from his book,
	  _Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations_
 
"I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless in has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce."
        - J. Edgar Hoover
 
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
 But I repeat myself."
        - Mark Twain
 
"I was born at a very early age.  Age is not a very interesting subject.        
 Anyone can get old; all you have to do is live long enough."
     - Groucho Marx