I had done a lot of hitchhiking around Australia from around the age of 14 until 17. On my last trip I had become infatuated with a guy who was pretty aloof with me and this caused me tremendous heart-ache.
I tried to cut my wrists until a dog barked, I dropped the razor and I took it that it wasn't meant to be. One afternoon I tried to drown myself. I must have passed out on the beach because my memories are a bit vague. The most important part of my memory is that inwardly I called out for help from the deepest part of my being. I had always sensed that there was a beautiful state that I'd somehow lost and needed to rediscover.
When I returned home, I had a disagreement with my mother and I moved out almost immediately. My memories are a bit vague but I began to feel that everyone was putting on an act and that everyone was really highly evolved, godlike, you might say and that I was being tested in some way. Whilst in the city, I began talking to a guy who was looking for his missing one cent piece which was highly significant and symbolic for reasons I can't recall.
I know this guy meant a lot to me and we kept in contact for many weeks but generally my memories are a bit vague when it comes to details. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital where I was put in a locked ward and frequently in a locked room. I held tightly to my illusion that everyone was godlike and everything was a pretense and that all the bad news on the television was just some kind of a show being shown to me as another kind of test.
I received 20 doses of shock treatment and I'm not sure how much this has contributed to my memory loss. I never did find out enough about its effect on me. Whilst in my deluded state I trusted everybody and people on tv were talking to me. Everything was an expression of our interconnectedness. There are a lot of details which I do remember but which I feel aren't necessarily important to go into right now.
The world was on the threshold of a most magnificent celebration. I was just waiting for this moment to occur. The eventual pain that I began to feel at the thought that it may not happen was unbearable. That the world really was in the state that it was, was just too much to take.
After 6 months and a few attempts at running away, I was finally released on a grey , cloudy day that I do remember quite clearly. I was filled with drugs and wondering if it had all been a dream. I felt so numb and deadened.
Somewhere in that time I was diagnosed as schizophrenic, not that I took labels very seriously. Later I was called manic-depressive and told I would have to take lithium for the rest of my life.
I awaited the day when I would find someone whom I could trust to be with me while I went off lithium. At 20 years old I met my present partner that I've been with for almost 14 years now. In the first week that we met I went off lithium altogether and moved in with him almost straight away.
This was the week we called 'Sunday Bloody Sunday' because the intensity of this week was really amazing. There was a magic that we shared in that first week that changed my life forever. We were in another state of being altogether, we were telepathic most of the time. There was a higher consciousness here that was profound.
The next 3 or 4 years was like hell having to bring it all down to earth. Many of my childhood memories that I had forgotten had come back in the first few months of my relationship. Being tied up and gagged whilst my sister was probably raped (she doesn't remember, but wouldn't be surprised) was seemingly by far the most traumatic. That feeling of choking and being gagged was finally understood .
There was a very strange memory of my father, mother, oldest brother all being part of a murder and my mom giving me sleeping tablets so I would not see. My eldest brother caught me getting up and then threatened to kill me if Itold anyone. I remember trying to make myself forget because I was afraid that I would tell someone and get killed. I do not accept this memory as being real but I know it is the remmnants of something that happened, perhaps it was symbolic for something.
The next 3 or 4 years I spent trying to do everything in my power to have Keith as close to me as possible. My sense of insecurity and need to have him by my side both physically and emotionally was a great strain on our relationship Words cannot describe the womb-like, formless experiences that I found myself in; on and off for especially those years. My possessiveness was all consuming and I couldn't bare to share Keith with anyone not even a passing cow that he would have eye contact with!
I kept feeling that there was this amazing bomb type of experience just waiting to go off inside of me and that I was terrified of but that it would release me of my bondage that entrapped me in my emotional crippledness. I remember writing a book and then reluctantly sharing it with Keith. It was a confession of every little bit of demon inside of me( all that was deceitful, manipulative and anything dark about myself).
Change took place very slowly, but change did occur most surely. Keith had been practicing a form of meditation that I learnt as well soon after our meeting. This is still with me and I've been practicing almost everyday for these 14 years. We have a 10 year old son which I'm glad to say we chose to have.
For me there is the divine within that is there when 'I' get out the way. I am the divine. I am god. We are all one. But there seems to be some healing that needs to take place before I can really unite with this divinity. I had often had a sense that I had in a past life been in a much higher state of consciousness than the one I find myself in this life but that I was too harsh on others who felt too held back by their own weaknesses. I've needed to learn what it's like to be truly vulnerable to earthly emotions and needs of intimacy.
I keep giving myself a hard time because I don't seem to achieve anything concrete in this world. I've had no vocation and have hardly worked at all in my whole life. I'm trying to be more gentle on myself and realize that I am in a healing process and have not been in a position to give much to others or to change the world in any direct way. I feel it is only a matter of time. That's all for now.