Questions and comments should be addressed to:
Maybe it's time we take a rational look at a very unrational problem. I hope that by sharing my experience, others can learn from my mistakes and not have to repeat them. About 10 years ago, I was in a similar situation. (Very fortunately, nobody was injured.)
The mechanism: When you spend too long concentrating intently on a particular problem, the brain will sometimes switch into a hyper-state of awareness in attempt to reach a solution. Poor diet and certain drugs, like caffein and amphetamine, may help trigger a psychotic episode. Some religious practices actually attempt to reach this state of "enlightenment." But they are usually very well diciplined and supervised. The term "breakdown" is somewhat accurate in that there is a breakdown of cerebral cortex that seperates the consciousness and sub-consciousness. The vast data storage area suddenly overwhelms the consciousness. It's not just a simple matter of hearing voices. A person in this situation can be entirely overwhelmed by his own imagination.
So what should a person do if he (or she) suddenly finds themself in such a terrifying situation?
1. RELAX - It was extreme stress that got you into this situation in the first place. It's obviously time to drop your problem for a while and take a break.
2. DON'T WORRY - As profound as this experience is, you most likely will not suffer any permanent brain damage. As bizarre as it seems, you can recover completely. Many people have had these experiences and returned to their normal state of awareness. However it may be a few weeks. Don't be surprised if you wake up day after day, wondering when it will end. (My experience lasted more than 3 weeks.)
3. STAY IN CONTROL - At times you may be overwhelmed by negative thoughts and images and suddenly dragged into a deep depression. Or a mass of positive images may lift you to sheer mania. But with a little practice you can maintain a comfortable, relaxed feeling. It's like being in a hypnotic trance and you are both the subject and the hypnotist. (I actually had a lot of fun experimenting with this phenomenon.)
4. GET HELP - You can call almost any hospital and make arrangements for a safe place to stay. But finding someone to talk to can be difficult. You may feel as if you've entered into another world. You may have vivid spiritual experiences. Doctors can write prescriptions to correct your brain chemical imbalances. But they may scoff at discussions about religion, hypnosis, etc. Try to find someone to talk to who you can trust and who shares your particular belief system.
So how did I get to know all this? Ok, I'll tell you...
Note: Each person's experience will differ depending on his/her beliefs and the circumstances which caused the enlightened state. Therefore, I have intentionally omitted much about the experience, except for general and common information. My intention is to help others better understand and cope with such a situation. Also, I found it necessary to include a bit of background information so that the reader will better understand why I took on such a challenge and why it took the course it did.
A true story by: Stan Plock
In some cultures, individuals spend an entire lifetime seeking what in other cultures is considered a terrifying and highly undesirable experience.
It seems as if there is no common understanding, that each experience is totally unique to the individual and the culture in which the experience occurred. But what happens when an average American ventures into this "enlightened" state simply for the sake of understanding it? He just might find some down-to-earth explanations that have been eluding mankind for centuries.
I'm sure that you will find my unique story both revealing and easy to understand.
Chapter 2 The First Encounter
Chapter 3 The Motivating Force
Chapter 4 The Grand Awakening
Chapter 5 Self Control
Chapter 6 Out of Control
Chapter 7 April Fool
Chapter 8 Aftermath
Chapter 9 Back on Course
Chapter 1
As most children are, I was exploring everything in sight. I would take apart my toys, just to see how they worked. I had questions about everything. Soon I became bored with exploring the nature of mechanical devices and needed something more chal- lenging.
There were some things that just couldn't be taken apart and examined. Religion was one of those things which aroused my curiosity the most. For instance, how was Jesus able to cure the sick with just a few words? The Catholic church didn't seem to have any sensible answers. Was there some logical explanation for these claims? Was there some mystical force that mankind would never be able to comprehend? Or were these stories simply exag- gerated over the past two centuries?
Often, I heard the expression "Seek and you shall find." So I decided to go searching. Unfortunately, high school curriculum in the early 70's did not dare to discuss such controversial sub- jects. It wasn't long before I realized that no one individual nor any one particular book was going to have all the answers. This was a very big puzzle spread throughout history and across the entire face of the earth. But with the massive amounts of information available I reasoned that I could come a lot closer to understanding than previous generations had.
Fortunately, my cousin was not so inhibited by old beliefs. I was shocked when he told me that he had painted a demonic symbol inside his guitar. But I was curious enough to allow him to explain.
He was not concerned about previous meanings that the symbol had to other people. He explained to me that this particular symbol was very intricate and required a lot of time and concen- tration to paint. "The longer I concentrate on it" he said, "the better my subconscious mind will believe that it has some influ- ence over me. It'll allow me to play more naturally and relaxed through subconscious actions rather than through cumbersome conscious effort."
He went on to explain that witchcraft and voodoo worked on the same principle. If you believe strongly enough that something is going to happen, your mind will actually try to make it happen. "There's nothing mystical about it." he said, "It's just basic psychology."
Up to this point, I still held the same Old Testament viewpoint that my parent's had. "Obey the laws or burn in hell. Don't dare to question anything." And so on. But this new thinking really opened my eyes. Instead of remaining a God fearing individual, I now held a great respect for what this great man, Jesus Christ, was trying to teach us. I now had reason to believe that those miraculous stories might have some sound scientific basis after all.
"Well," my logical mind reasoned "modern science recently put a man on the moon. We now had scanning electron microscopes, new medicines and surgical procedures." It seemed that modern technology had left no stone unturned. "If there really were something that we had overlooked, it wouldn't be long before it hit the front pages of every newspaper. Right?"
Perhaps there may have been a few people who were somehow able to tap into this power but I could never imagine that an ordinary person like myself would have such a great privilege. I came to the conclusion that it was best to let the great minds ponder such ideas while I concentrated on finishing high school and starting a career.
Just after high school I was working in a typewriter repair shop. There was an old man who dropped in from time to time who claimed that he was able to see into the future. He predicted that some day I would become a preacher. "Fat chance!" I thought as I tried to picture myself behind a podium spreading fear into the hearts of innocent people. "Maybe he meant teacher" I reasoned. Perhaps he simply noticed some aspects of my personality that might have led him to such a conclusion.
Chapter 2
Ron was always talking about Yoga, meditation, breathing exercises, karma, chokras and such. But the terms he used were a bit too foreign for me to fully comprehend.
Roger was much more down to earth. I shared a two bedroom apartment with him and his girlfriend, Joan. After a while I came to think of them more as family than just friends. For quite some time, I strayed away from field of psychology. I was too busy learning about man-made computers to give much thought to the one right behind my nose.
Then one day, I was approached by a member of a group called "Scientology." The name itself was acceptable to my logical mind and so were their ideas. Their primary objective was to help individuals recognize past experiences that were inhibiting their growth. They claimed that by becoming consciously aware of such negative "programming" a person could become "clear" to grow to his full potential.
Their teachings seemed sound. But something else bothered me. After practicing a simple relaxation technique, I noticed that I was much more relaxed than normal. A bit too relaxed, considering that I had only been attending for a few days. Also, they were more persuasive than any sales force I had yet encountered. If they really understood mental programming as well as they claimed, then certainly they could be manipulating me to their advantage.
Their plot was working well, except for one thing. Fear! I had heard stories about similar groups and wasn't going to let anybody tinker with my programming! I quit this group immediately, fearing that they might be more interested draining my wallet.
Perhaps their relaxation exercises had left me in a somewhat heightened state of awareness. I felt that it was necessary to get as far away from their influence as possible. By coincidence, Ron, Roger and Joan were all planning to return to Pennsylvania. A lot of people in the area were worried about the aerial spraying of malathion. And I had just attended a seminar which painted a very grim picture of the aftermath of a major earthquake in the San Jose area. There was a loud voice in my head yelling "Get out of here!" I quit a very good job, giving only three days notice, and packed for the trip back home.
After settling in back home, I decided to spend some time researching brain-washing techniques so that I would never have to worry about being conned into joining another cult group. I read a good self-hypnosis book and learned to recognize such techniques. As it turned out, hypnosis consisted of two simple techniques, relaxing and convincing.
This book claimed that when a person enters a relaxed state, the subconscious mind could readily accept new information that would otherwise be blocked out by the extremely rational conscious mind. If this "trance" state was deep enough there was practically no interference at all from the logical conscious mind. A hypnotized subject could be directly programmed to accept the suggestions given. Sensations of pain, sight, smell and hearing could be altered to the point of experiencing a totally fictitious reality.
In addition, some doctors were noticing that patients under anesthesia sometimes picked up things that were said during an operation. For example, one patient was not recovering well after a minor operation even though there was nothing physically wrong with him. So they decided to use hypnosis to see if there was some psychological factor holding back his recovery. The patient recalled one of the doctors had made a comment that "He hasn't got a chance." during the operation. Apparently this was picked up by the patient's subconscious mind. Once he was made consciously aware that the doctor was actually referring to his son-in-law's chance of graduating law school the patient's recovery improved dramatically.
Similar cases were being discovered by other doctors and many were now being careful not to give such negative suggestions. Some were even giving positive suggestions during the operations and noticed that these patients seemed to recover faster.
Unfortunately, I didn't have much luck entering such a state. I experimented with some of the relaxation techniques and found that I could enter a relaxed state easily after a few practice sessions. But as I entered this "trance state" I became afraid of losing control and could not go any deeper. It was great for relieving stress and helped to fall asleep easier. But I still didn't see anything profound about this experience.
Another book "Creative Dreaming" by Patricia Garfield suggested approaching this state of mind from the other side. Instead of trying to remain conscious while falling asleep, she suggested trying to become conscious while dreaming. Once you realized that you were dreaming, she claimed, you could change the course of the dream.
Many people who practiced this could take dream vacations with full sensory perception. They could travel anywhere or have any experience that they could imagine. I'm sure you can appreciate how much concentration it takes to become aware that you are actually dreaming. No mater how absurd a dream is, it always seems real. Needless to say, I didn't have much luck with this approach either.
Well, I had much more information than I had previously but still didn't have the time or motivation necessary to explore this "twilight zone" state of mind. Perhaps, more so, I was afraid to enter such a state.
Two years had passed when Roger gave me a call. He had moved back to California because of the poor job situation back east. He offered me a place to stay for awhile should I decide to return also. A few months later I took him up on his offer.
Soon I was working the research and development lab in a small telecommunications company. I loved the challenge. But because the owner was under a lot of pressure to make his company succeed he used rather forceful management techniques. Before long I started feeling sick on the way to work. I was tired and depressed most of the time.
After about a year I changed jobs. My new boss had very good management skills. Even though the tasks I performed were somewhat mundane, I left work feeling that I was appreciated and had made a valuable contribution to the company. I felt much better, both physically and emotionally.I had much more energy and actually felt good about getting up for work in the morning.
Chapter 3
Since Roger had helped me to see my way clear in the past, I owed him a big favor. Besides, Joan was also a good friend of mine. I couldn't just stand by while somebody captured her imagination.
Roger and I drove to Fremont to see what kind of people had captured her imagination. I was well aware of the fate of Jim Jones's cult which started only a few miles from here. But I never imagined that I would have the opportunity to see such a thing for myself.
On the outside, this looked like any other community church. But what went on inside was unlike anything we had ever experienced. We were shocked to hear the preacher yelling out "DO YOU FEAR GOD?!" And then stating firmly that "If you leave this church you will DIE!" Roger and I looked at each other in disbelief, hearing such statements from a man who was supposed to be providing spiritual growth. To us, this seemed more like spiritual inhibition.
It was obvious to us that this man was using scare tactics to control his followers. Obviously, he knew that fear was a much more powerful motivating force than gentle persuasion but we seriously questioned his motives. (Later, Roger found some newspaper articles indicating that this man was previously a gambler and con-artist. He spent a good part of his life manipulating people for his own personal gain.)
After he had his followers bound by fear, a drastically different approach was taken. The entire group would begin dancing around and "talking in tongues." This sounded like singing "la, la, la" while moving your tongue from side to side as well as up and down. (Perhaps a form of mantra.)They visualized this experience as "getting drunk on the Holy Spirit." It was a really eerie experience to witness 30 to 40 people entering this trance state. Again, Roger and I looked at each other in utter amazement. Neither of us had ever actually seen brainwashing and hypnosis techniques used in such a profound manner. If we hadn't known better, we'd have both been running for the door.
Just a few days after Joan's disappearance, I was laid-off from my job. For the first time in my life I had both the time and powerful motivation to find out for myself what was going on here. Roger took some time off from his job also. We went to the library and gathered as many books as they would allow us to check out.
From awakening until very late at night we studied and discussed various types of mind altering and spiritual experiences in a desperate attempt to understand. In order to free Joan we had to know more than the experts we were dealing with.
We read about brainwashing techniques used on American veterans. The enemy would torture their victims to the "breaking point." Then they would suddenly provide the opposite, a peaceful, relaxing environment. This was not too different than what we were seeing in the church with the fear suddenly turning into delightful "drunkenness." In other words, pushing followers away from undesirable outside influences while pulling them into a desirable situation.
Another book about Zen told of a technique for reaching a heightened state of awareness. The student would be given an abstract question to ponder. The student would concentrate all his attention on solving this koan to the point where he had to find an answer "or else." Soon after reaching this critical point, the student would experience "enlightenment." This was not much different than the "eureka" experience that many great inventors spoke of. Such an experience may be caused by chemical changes in the brain due to intense concentration or stress. Or it may simply involve reconstruction of neural pathways. Perhaps both are acting at the same time. Whatever the cause, the brain shifts into hyper-drive to help find the solution.
Little did I realize at the time, that I was actually using this technique myself. Not only was I intensely meditating on the problem but my stomach was so tied up in knots that I wasn't eating well either. Fasting is another method commonly used to induce a spiritual state of mind. Some claim that slowing down the digestive process allows more energy to be directed to the brain. Others suggest that vitamin deficiencies may deplete the brain of certain chemicals that regulate the flow of thoughts.
While I was trying to understand the techniques they were using, Roger was studying the Bible in an attempt to reprogram the followers toward a spiritual path closer to the one that we believed Jesus had intended. Being a very charismatic person, himself, I must admit that Roger was doing a pretty good job. The preacher really had to do some fast talking to keep the group under his control.
It was Sunday morning of the third week and I was feeling dead tired. The intense stress of the past three weeks was taking a heavy toll both physically and mentally. Yet I had a very strong desire to attend another church meeting to see what more I could learn about this group.
This third visit turned out to be rather enlightening. The preacher talked about visions and voices. He mentioned an experience that he called "passing through the veil." And went on explaining that many of the members were once drug addicts and alcoholics but by experiencing this spiritual "drunkenness" they were able to throw away their old crutches.
I began to realize that they really did have something wonderful and unique. I was no longer as upset about their methods. Perhaps the end result justified the means. I started to believe that there really might be a powerful force for good at work here. But in the midst of all this healing, there was a strong fear of outsiders who did not understand their methods.
The next morning I was seeing things in a different light. I sympathized with the preacher for I, too, was very angry with the society in which I grew up for keeping us in the dark for so long. I was convinced that there was something very powerful within my reach. I realized that I could read books for the rest of my life. But I really couldn't understand until I had experienced it for myself.
I now had all the ingredients to make it happen. I had the time, motivation and belief. But up to this point I was still inhibited by my own fears. When I went to bed that night I had a strong conviction to overcome that fear. I was at the breaking point. I was as tormented as the P.O.W., as motivated as the Zen student and desperately seeking that eureka experience. I was ready, willing and able to take that big leap.
I had to get to the bottom of this if it killed me! That voice in my head was screaming loudly "I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO FACE THE DEVIL, HIMSELF! I'm GOING to find out what this is all about!!! Oh, God, there's GOT to be a logical explanation for all this!!!"
Chapter 4
I closed my eyes for a moment and saw myself floating above mountains of words. A moment later I had this strange vision as if I was recalling a dream. In this vision I was floating up into the heavens. As I descended, there was placed before me a large chest. It seemed that within this chest were the answers that I had been desperately seeking.
I floated over to the couch and sat down. My mind reeling with thoughts and images. "Oh, my God!" I thought "What did I do!?" As I recalled the latest visit to the church the word "revelation" came to mind. Then I thought to myself "Come on...Let's be rational about this. I must be having nervous breakdown."
Then I remembered that I had desperately prayed for "a logical explanation for all this" the previous night. It seemed that I had gotten exactly what I had asked for and much more than I expected. My mouth was dropped open in total awe at the vast amount of data passing through my brain. Everything suddenly seemed to fit together in incredible synchronicity. My consciousness expanded into the infinite depths of my subconscious mind.
I felt as if I had been reborn, that I had finally awakened to the fullest awareness of life. It seemed that I had broken free from the fears that society had imprisoned me with. I had climbed out of my old rut and was seeing the world from a much broader perspective.
As I thought back even farther into my past I flashed back upon many experiences that seemed to have led me to this goal. It appeared that this may have been my destiny all along. I felt that the fate of the world rested on my shoulders. But I wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility. Besides, I knew well what society does to people with new ideas.
Vivid thoughts, images and sounds raced through my mind. Often these were memories of past experiences. Other times they were reconstructed to form new images. I was presented with many incredible and surprisingly vivid visions.
I imagined great civilization throughout history who might have harnessed this great power of the mind. I wondered if perhaps some of our ancestors had evolved to a much higher level than we are today. I wondered how we came to have much more mental capacity than we were able to use. Perhaps somewhere in our history this ability had been lost or forgotten. I imagined that there might even be civilizations living now who might have re-evolved to this higher level. And I imagined what the future might be like if we were able to regain this lost power.
My imagination had become so vivid that I felt like I had developed psychic abilities. If I thought, for example, how Jesus must have felt trying to explain such things 2000 years ago, I felt more than a very strong empathy. I felt as if I were actually sharing his mind. At other times I felt as if I was sharing the mind of God, Himself. It was now easy for me to understand why the church members believed so strongly as they did. If there experience was anything like mine, what other conclusion could they have? Certainly, the book they were reading described this experience in great detail. While today's society didn't even seem to recognize the possibility of such an experience.
Fortunately I remained logical and analytical enough to realize at this was all just a product of my own highly overactive imagination. It was simply that my entire brain had energized to help me through a difficult situation.
I was worried that I might never recover from this altered state. So I quickly consoled myself by thinking "This is only temporary, it will eventually pass." (Little did I know that this experience was to continue for three whole weeks.)
CHAPTER 5
I quickly learned to carefully control my own thoughts, catching any negative ones and immediately turning them around before they had a chance to overwhelm my overactive imagination. For instance, I looked at my hand and noticed that it was shaking. The more I concentrated on it, the more it shook.I felt that I was going to go into convulsions. Remembering a book called "Psycho-Sybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Maltz I quickly broke this feedback loop by focusing my attention on an object across the room. It was as if I were under a deep hypnotic trance but I was also the hypnotist.
I still can't imagine what might have happened if I were less knowledgeable. This could really be hell if a person accidentally stumbled into this twilight zone state and was unable to control it. "What a pity" I thought "that so many individuals will fall victim to this enlightened state not realizing that it was intended for their benefit. Simply because our society feared discussing such things."
After realizing how sensitive I was to suggestions, I learned to talk myself into a very relaxed, calm state of mind. As a teenager, I wondered how it would feel to become a yogi or experience the inner peace and understanding of the "Kung Fu" TV character, Qui Chang Caine. Now I understood just how wonderful this experience was.
It turned out to be quite the opposite of what I had expected. The more relaxed I became, the more energy I had. The less I had to think about, the more clearly I could think. I realized that my normal stress was actually robbing me of a great deal of energy and concentration. I never wanted to return to my old and terribly inhibited state again! So I concentrated on keeping my muscles and even my voice calm and relaxed at all times. I was afraid that I could easily slide back into my normal level of stress and completely loose this wonderful experience.
The next day, Roger and I went out to get something to eat. As usual, my coffee was too hot for me to drink. I started thinking about how dentist and even doctors had used hypnosis to control pain instead of using drugs. I gave myself a suggestion that the coffee was cool. Only about thirty seconds had passed but I picked up the cup and took a drink with no problem. I also noticed that I could change the feeling in my stomach by thinking
"I'm full" and "I'm hungry."
I wanted to experiment with other suggestions to see just how suggestible I was. Recalling the churches reference to "getting drunk on the Holy Spirit" I started experimenting with placebos. To my amazement, I found that I could instantly experience any particular high that I could imagine. The words to Peter Gabriel's "Soulsbury Hill" came to mind:
I could not believe the information
I just had to trust imagination...
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine...
Who close their eyes but still can see
I was shown another me
To keep in silence, I resigned
Open doors would soon be shut...
'Till I thought of what I'd say
Which connections I should cut
Today I don't need a replacement
I tell them what the smile on my face meant
Keep my things, they've come to take me home.
Needless to say, I was having the time of my life! It was like discovering Alladin's lamp. Anything I wished for was immediately granted, within the realm of my own imagination, of course. It was much like Pat Garfield's lucid dreaming except I was awake. Actually, sleepwalking would be a more accurate description. The entire three week episode was like living in a fantasy movie with incredible animation and Dolby surround-sound.
The following Wednesday I was scheduled to return to work. Obviously, there was no way possible that I could do so in the state of mind I was in. So I called my boss and explained that "I can't come back to work because I think I've discovered how to use the other 90% of my brain."
Near the end of the second week, I really felt a need to talk with somebody who understood what I was experiencing. I drove, along with Roger, to Stanford Medical Center taking with me with me that 2000 year old psychology book. Right in the middle of this book was the "Book of Wisdom." It claimed that whoever sought hard enough would find wisdom waiting by his bed in the morning. I simply wanted someone to confirm that this was what I was experiencing. "Certainly" I thought "I couldn't be alone in my understanding."
The doctor quickly analyzed my symptoms and coldly wrote a prescription to cure my "problem." If he had taken time to listen, he might have realized that I wasn't convinced that I had a problem. In my mind, I had worked very hard to come to this SOLUTION. "God!" I thought "Would this man have given drugs to Jesus Christ to cure him of the Holy Spirit?" But I was sensible enough not to argue with him for fear of being locked up. I left the office convinced that I was perhaps the only person on earth who understood such an experience for what it was. I was now certain that I was part of only a small group who had this understanding.
Since modern psychology didn't seem at all concerned with my incredible discovery I decided to go with Roger for another visit to the church. I was seeing things much more clearly now, and was confident that they could not persuade me into their belief system even though I was still very highly suggestible. But the preacher made one comment that I was really surprised to hear. He said that "Near the end of the world people would not require sleep." I found this to be very fascinating because I, myself, was requiring very little sleep. This was perfectly understandable to me since hypnosis was so similar to a sleep state. But how in the world did they know this? Again, I began wondering if my destiny might not be part of some higher plan.
Chapter 6
As I listened intently to the words to Led Zeppelin's "Kasmir" I became even more convinced that there might be an enlightened society among our midst:
I sit with elders of a gentle race
This world is seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait All will be revealed
I decided to "go with the flow" or "let go and let God" as the saying goes. Instead of continuing to control this dream I began allowing the dream to control me.
Roger was talking about going with some friends to the mountains to get away from all of this for awhile. Since he was the only person who seemed to understand my present state of mind, I decided to go along with him. As I followed behind them on my Kawasaki LTD 1000 I looked back and noticed that the whole valley was covered with dark clouds but the sky ahead was clear and sunny. I had a strong feeling that I was never to return. I was certain that I was to meet up with these supernatural, spiritual beings, now that I had apparently become one of them, myself. Along the way to Sonora we passed road signs and billboards. Words like "Heavenly Valley" and "Angels Camp" brought up some vivid images confirming my strange beliefs. When we arrived at the house I noticed that the young lady who lived there spoke in a very soft, pleasant voice, similar to that which I tried to maintain. Just listening to her was hypnotic. Her very relaxed mannerism seemed to be influencing the other young lady who was visiting. She too wasbecoming much more calm and relaxed than when she first arrived. I imagined that the first lady was some type of spiritual teacher, guiding newcomers into this higher awareness that I had found.
I soon came to believe that all the people I came in contact with were supernatural beings. I imagined that thy could even change their physical appearance at will. At one point I whispered "But Roger, you don't know who that dog is. That's Joan."
Even stranger images were forming in my mind. Without embarrassing myself further, I'll just state that when her husband arrived I was asked to leave. He instructed me to "follow the signs" to San Francisco. Little did he realize just how mixed up I was.
I followed the "signs" and ended up on a dirt road in the hills. I managed to get my motorcycle stuck in a muddy field, then took off my shoes, socks and jacket and wondered around for several hours, still following the "signs."
It was nearly evening and the bottoms of my feet were hurting. Fortunately an Indian couple in a pickup truck offered me a ride back to town. They dropped me off near the house where Roger and his friends were. I wondered aimlessly around the neighborhood for about two more hours.
At one point I remember walking along the side of the road, on the yellow line, as cars whizzed by. In my mind was playing "I keep my eyes wide open all the time, because you're mine I walk the line." I was really lucky that I didn't get hit by a car.
My "psychic" awareness led me to an empty house which was under construction. Parked in the driveway was an old Toyota pickup belonging to a locksmith. The window was slightly open and there was a coat hanger antenna which could be easily removed. It seemed to me that this was put here by the "spirits." So I opened the door and found shelter for the night. My feet were cold, so I wrapped them in some cloth tape that I found on the floor.
The ignition lock was broken and a new key lock had been installed under the dashboard making it very easy to hot wire and start the truck. Naturally, I took this as another "sign." When the sun came up I started the truck and took off down the road. I drove back to the house where Roger was staying, desperately hoping to get some help. But Roger's friend chased me away before Roger even realized that I had returned. He was so upset that he didn't even ask how I had acquired the truck.
I spent another day driving around aimlessly while images, songs etc. played through my head. I remember picking up a hitchhiker who had run out of gas. I must have been quite a sight with my feet still wrapped in cloth tape. I was so mixed up that I didn't even think to ask him if he could help to get my motorcycle out of the mud.
During another momentary delusion of grandeur I went into a JC Penny store and charged $500 worth of luggage and clothing which I left at a nearby motel. Since I had no other credit card and no cash on me I once again took off with no particular destination in mind.
It was getting dark and the truck was running out of gas so I pulled into a bar on the outskirts of town. All the people in the bar, I imagined, were actually the same people from my past somehow transformed to hide their identity. My mind was still racing with incredible illusions and fantasies.
I was having a grand time in my totally uninhibited state, playing guitar and drinking other people's drinks. Other than that I wasn't causing any trouble. The bartender must have realized that something was very wrong with me. As I left the bar, a policeman pulled up and offered me a ride to a nearby hospital for evaluation. I was tired, hungry and terribly confused. So I gladly accepted his offer.
Chapter 7
As I recalled the experiences of the past few weeks, I realized that this wasn't a dream. I was actually locked up in a psycho ward! Well, I wanted to expand my horizons. So I accepted it as just another episode of this great learning experience.
Considering the length of my "illness" I wondered if this might be the final episode. Perhaps I would never return to normal. I was really afraid that I might spend the rest of my life here.
The doctors didn't talk much with me or the other patients, except for an initial evaluation. After that, all I was told was that I had to take medication to bring my lithium levels up to normal. I was relieved to hear that I wasn't going to stay like this for the rest of my life.
It seemed that their intention was to provide as many distractions as possible to focus the patient's attention away from whatever brought them here. Perhaps they felt that talking about my experience would only intensify it. Perhaps they had heard it all before and simply weren't interested. Whatever their plan was I figured I better remain silent and go along with it.
For about the first week this was really difficult because my imagination was still highly overactive. I remember calling the number for the district attorney and saying "Hello, dad?" Well, I guess it was safer to be here than wondering along the highway.
Roger stopped in as often as possible to see how I was doing. (He later told me that he was very close to having a breakdown himself but was forced to refocus his concentration to help bail me out of this situation. If I hadn't gone over the edge first, the situation might have been reversed.)
Talking with my dad and brothers on the phone also helped me to refocus my attention to more normal matters. My brother, Jim, obtained some help from his church group, back in Pennsylvania to find a local pastor to pay a visit. When he laid a Bible on the table in front of me I snapped back into reality, realizing that nothing outside of me had changed at all.
It seemed that I was right back where I started. In the beginning, I was unable to fully understand the experiences of the church group. Now I realized that by the same token I would not be able to explain my experience to other individuals. This most certainly was something unique that each individual had to experience for himself.
I had seen all that I had searched for and was ready and willing to return back to normal life once again.
Chapter 8
Going back to work at a high stress company was quite a contrast to the incredible "vacation" that I just had. But something was quite different. As I was driving to work one day I thought to myself "I don't know why. But I feel good." As soon as I had this thought I felt even better. I started using this affirmation on a daily basis. It was as if I were still in a somewhat suggestible state.
I was able to maintain a much more relaxed attitude. When the owner pounded his fist on the desk, yelling "God damn it!" it didn't seem to bother me at all. When he slammed the phone down in a meeting, I didn't even flinch.
Even my memory had improved. In the past, I had a difficult time recalling people's names. I would get nervous, trying hard to quickly recall a name. Now I simply remained relaxed and the name would immediately pop up.
I was much more tolerant of the stresses around me but I was worried that I might eventually fall back into my old nervous, fearful personality. I made a rational decision to seek a more comfortable working environment.
The supervisor at my new job tried to create a healthy and productive working environment. But I soon found out that upper management still believed in "fire and brimstone" management techniques. I started feeling sick again on my way to work. As time went by the symptoms got worse. After about three years I was diagnosed as having anxiety and panic attacks.
Fortunately I was laid-off a year ago and now work in a much healthier environment. But years of conditioning don't disappear overnight. I still have some bad memories lurking just beneath my conscious awareness. Very recently, I learned to use visualization techniques that help to overcome the negative expectations that caused my anxiety.
In the mean time I was introduced to a very nice lady. We lived together for two years. Although we got along very well together, our cultural and religious differences made marriage seem an unlikely possibility. (I just can't tolerate listening to the preachers at the kinds of churches that she attends.) I was afraid we would someday end up with the same fate as Roger and Joan. For the next four years we continued to see each other on weekends.
Recently, I returned from a one week camping trip. When I called her, she told me that she had become more involved with the church. At first I was concerned that she was doing so out of fear. But a later conversation proved quite the opposite.
She told me that since she became "born again" she feels much better than ever. She had more energy, didn't need to sleep as much, her allergies had improved and even her diabetes had gone into remission. I just had to smile and tell her that "I understand". Unfortunately, her revival faded after about 2 months.
Chapter 9
Fear is the absence of Love
Love is the absence of Fear
With this in mind, I'm sure that I will always remain on the right path.
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