SILICON SOAPWARE wafting your way along the slipstreams of the Info Highway from Bubbles = Tom Digby = bubbles@well.sf.ca.us http://www.well.com/~bubbles/ Issue #64 New Moon of April 4, 2000 Contents copyright 2000 by Thomas G. Digby, with a liberal definition of "fair use". In other words, feel free to quote excerpts elsewhere (with proper attribution), post the entire zine (verbatim, including this notice) on other boards that don't charge specifically for reading the zine, link my Web page, and so on, but if something from here forms a substantial part of something you make money from, it's only fair that I get a cut of the profits. Silicon Soapware is available via email with or without reader feedback. If you don't want to read about the mechanics of this, skip down to the row of asterisks (****). If you're getting it via email and the headers show the originating site as "lists.best.com" you're getting the list version, and anything you send to DigbyZine@lists.best.com will be posted. That's the one you want if you like conversation (although so far traffic has been light). If there's no mention of "lists.best.com" in the headers, you're getting the BCC version. That's the one for those who want just Silicon Soapware with no banter. The content is the same for both. To get on or off the conversation-list version send email to DigbyZine-request@lists.best.com with the word "subscribe" (to get on the list) or "unsubscribe" (to get off) in the body, but nothing else (except maybe your signature if that's automatic). Then when you get a confirmation message edit the REJECT in the subject line to ACCEPT and send it back. To get on or off the BCC list email me (bubbles@well.sf.ca.us or bubbles@well.com). I do that one manually. ********************* Late again. But I also need to do my taxes. So which should I do first? And no, I'm not going to do the obvious compromise of just pubbing my tax info instead of other SS content, even though it would be as easy as shooting fish in a barrel, what with computerized tax software. ********************* It's a common figure of speech to say that something is as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. But is shooting fish in a barrel really all that easy? I've always envisioned a barrel full of water with fish swimming around in it, and somebody standing there aiming a gun down into the water. But how easy would it be to hit anything that way? The refraction effect would tend to throw your aim off, and besides you have moving targets. Not easy at all, unless the shock of the bullet hitting the water stuns the fish so no real aiming is necessary. Has anybody ever taken a barrel of water with fish swimming in it to a shooting range and done tests? On the other hand, maybe that's not the proper setup. Maybe it isn't live fish swimming around in a barrel of water at all. Maybe it's a barrel full of something like pickled herring, as might be sold commercially at some wholesale food market. If the barrel is full then any bullet that enters will be unable to avoid hitting fish. But then if the fish are already dead, what's the point of shooting them? ********************* In addition to being tax time, it's also census time. One of the questions on the form was gender: Male or Female, no space for "None" or "Other" or "In-between". I'm also reminded that when I recently registered some purchase online the form required me to put a courtesy title in front of my name: Mr, Ms, Mrs, Miss. Again, no way to choose "None" or "Other". That, combined with the fact that I've known people who do not claim a gender in the traditional sense, leads me to wonder if there's any law requiring everyone to have a gender. Is there anything in Federal or State law like "Every person shall be either Male or Female. No person shall be any other gender, and no person shall be in-between or otherwise be neither Male nor Female." Or is it more a case of unwritten rules and subconscious "everybody knows" assumptions? There's no actual law, but bureaucrats would sort of hint that there is, and if pressed, mumble something about "the computer" and their inability to change the system. Sort of like "Everything not foreseen is forbidden." That's the way lots of people's minds work. ********************* Another Blonde Joke, or whatever your preferred category of not-so-smart people is: "I was buying a car on installments, and I got to the end of the payment book. When I wrote to them to ask for a new payment book so I could keep making payments, they wrote back and fired me." ********************* Polish jokes, blonde jokes, whatever: Somebody's going to object. One of the things this country needs is a group that it's OK to ridicule. Ideally that means a group that doesn't have any actual people in it, something totally fictitious. In the Li'l Abner comic strip they had the mythical country of Slobbovia. And in Jewish (?) folklore there's a Town of Fools with a name like "Chelm". Either of those might work, if enough of the general population could be made aware of them. Any other possibilities? ********************* Possible Twilight Zone twist on the above: Some comic creates a mythical Land of Stupid People so he can make jokes without offending anyone. He doesn't copyright the concept or the name, and others take it up. After 10 or 20 years it becomes firmly ingrained in the public consciousness. People are constantly making up new stories about it, and a generation of children actually starts to believe in it. Then his Stupid Tribe starts to come into actual existence because so many people have been putting psychic energy into it. At the end he's dragged off to spend eternity there. ********************* On another thought, what if some televangelist were to do a fundraiser by selling "Get to Heaven Quicker" brand cigarettes? Maybe the pack would have pictures of the Pearly Gates and angels, with one of the angels pointing to the Surgeon General's Warning as "proof" that the brand lives up to its name. Would the gov't try to stop it? Would they have any grounds to do so, assuming the televangelist found some way around the "No cigarette commercials on TV" rule? ********************* I recently got a new computer (no, no problems with mouse milk) and the keyboard has extra buttons with labels like "E-mail" and "finance" and "entertainment" and "shopping". That reminds me of another such keyboard where the prototype had a key for "clothing". Would I really need anything like that? I know that clothing is more or less required when going out, at least around here, but I already have some. Sooner or later some of it will wear out and need to be replaced, but I don't think that happens often enough to need a special key on my keyboard for it. Just go to K-Mart or whatever. One thing I might have a use for is a reminder of when the types of clothing I want are in season. I tend to prefer short-sleeved shirts and shorts, but much of the year all they have is long pants and long-sleeved shirts because the weather in some other part of the country where the fashion decisions are made is colder than it is here. And the part of the year when the actual hot weather is is generally too late to buy warm-weather clothing, because "fashion seasons" are months ahead of physical seasons, or something. So I could use a reminder of when the desired items are in the stores so I could stock up for the coming year in case anything I've been wearing is about to wear out in the next few months. ********************* That reminds me of climate lag from teleporting. Say you're staying in Moscow in December or January. You get up, trudge the mile or so through the snow to the teleport terminal, then BONG! you're in Sydney. So then you have to trudge another several blocks, probably not through snow, to your actual destination. So what do you wear that's appropriate for both legs of the journey, predawn January in Moscow and noonday January in Sydney? ********************* A discussion of sleeping attire on the WELL got into types of beds, and reminded me that I seem to have some psychological need for covers on my bed. The part of me that feels safe from monsters if I can pull the covers tight around me is the last to fall asleep, after the more rational adult parts have shut down. When it's hot that part will sometimes settle for a sheet (which the monsters respect in hot weather even if they don't when it's colder), but I pretty much always need some covering of some type. I'm reminded of an article I saw many years ago (1950's?) in some magazine like Popular Science. It was on the Home of the Future, and one of the predictions was for infrared heaters in the bedroom ceiling so you wouldn't need blankets. It showed a couple sleeping on some kind of mattress-like surface, with no covers. I felt kind of uncomfortable just looking at it, because there was nothing to wrap up in or take refuge under if one woke in the night and felt the need for such. On the other hand the picture looked like the room lights were fully on, so maybe the lights kept the monsters away. Or did they just draw it like that because it was easier to see the sleeping people with some light in the room? Otherwise you'd just have this big black rectangle. The people were also wearing pajamas and/or nightgowns, but that was normal for the time, and I didn't see anything odd about it because the thought of not wearing clothes to bed hadn't occurred to me back then. ********************* As I mentioned, I have a new computer. More computing power than the pharaohs ever dreamed of, for what amounts to a couple of weeks' salary. But then that's what I've long said to myself about almost any modern computer, including that old Z80 with 64k of RAM that was modern fifteen or so years ago when I got it. On the other hand, as far as we know nobody in the time of the pharaohs really thought of computing power that way. There might have been people doing calculations for tax collection or pyramid building or whatever, but they probably never thought of building machines to automate the task. Thus there was nothing in that area for them to dream or fantasize about, beyond having the money to hire more scribes or whatever. Likewise, the people in the Middle Ages who built those fake chess- playing automatons probably had no concept of the number of computations it would take to turn a pattern of light and shadow into a list of which pieces were where on a chessboard. Then you would need to take that information and calculate how to move the robot arm to pick up a piece and set it down somewhere else. And don't forget the additional calculations to determine which piece you want to move where. It was all so far beyond the technology of the day that they probably had no concept of it. So again, they had no way of even dreaming of something like a 386 running Windows, or perhaps Linux. Not even an 8086 running MS-DOS. You might be able to say that almost any modern personal computer is more computing power than the people doing something like ENIAC or the Manhattan Project ever dreamed of, but I don't think the comparison can be taken much farther back in time than that. You might be able to say it about the Babbage Engine, but that's about the limit. So saying that even a low-end modern computer is more computing power than the pharaohs ever dreamed of is kind of meaningless, even though I like the sound of it and it's also in a sense true. ********************* As I said above, I have a new computer. So far it hasn't exhibited this particular problem (knock wood): Little Teeny Eyes 1. Oh we got a new computer but it's quite a disappointment 'Cause it always gave this same insane advice: "OH YOU NEED LITTLE TEENY EYES FOR READING LITTLE TEENY PRINT LIKE YOU NEED LITTLE TEENY HANDS FOR MILKING MICE." 2. So we re-read the instruction book that came with the computer But it kept on printing crazy stuff that reads Like: "YOU NEED LITTLE TEENY EYES FOR READING LITTLE TEENY PRINT LIKE YOU NEED LITTLE TEENY SHOES FOR CENTIPEDES." 3. So we got an expert genius and he rewrote all the programs But we always got results that looked like these: "OH YOU NEED LITTLE TEENY EYES FOR READING LITTLE TEENY PRINT LIKE YOU NEED LITTLE TEENY LICENSE PLATES FOR BEES." 4. Then we tested each resistor, every diode and transistor, But our EElectronic brain just raves and rants: "OH YOU NEED LITTLE TEENY EYES FOR READING LITTLE TEENY PRINT LIKE YOU NEED LITTLE BRANDING IRONS FOR BRANDING ANTS." 5. Now we're looking for a buyer for a crazy mad computer That will only give out crazy mad advice Like: "YOU NEED LITTLE TEENY EYES FOR READING LITTLE TEENY PRINT LIKE YOU NEED LITTLE TEENY HANDS FOR MILKING MICE." -- Tom Digby written 1/27/66 first publication APA-L #69 2/10/66 entered 22:12 Feb 14, 1996 There should be a GIF of the music to the above at http://www.well.com/~bubbles/LilTEyes.GIF There's also a simple MIDI arrangement of it at http://www.well.com/~bubbles/LittleTeenyEyes.MIDI -- END --