SILICON SOAPWARE wafting your way along the slipstreams of the Info Highway from Bubbles = Tom Digby = bubbles@well.sf.ca.us http://www.well.com/~bubbles/ Issue #76 New Moon of March 24, 2001 Contents copyright 2001 by Thomas G. Digby, with a liberal definition of "fair use". In other words, feel free to quote excerpts elsewhere (with proper attribution), post the entire zine (verbatim, including this notice) on other boards that don't charge specifically for reading the zine, link my Web page, and so on, but if something from here forms a substantial part of something you make money from, it's only fair that I get a cut of the profits. Silicon Soapware is available via email with or without reader feedback. Details of how to sign up are at the end. ********************* Since this is Oscar time, I'm reminded of a movie idea or two. Say some President who's as crooked as Nixon and as charismatic as Kennedy gets elected. Early in his term Air Force One crashes in some fairly remote area and he dies. He wakes up in Hell, where after some discussion he convinces Satan that he's more valuable alive than dead. So they undo his death before the wreckage is found, leaving him to look like a miraculous survivor of the crash. There are several divergent plot possibilities from there. In one comedy variant, he opens diplomatic relations between the US and Hell. That can lead to all sorts of possibilities. For instance, when anyone brings up the human rights question, Satan's answer is "Of course our human rights record is terrible. We're HELL!" Some anti-sweatshop group manages to get permission to tour a factory down there, and we see things like emergency flame-throwers (in case the fires go out) instead of fire extinguishers. And of course Hell is proud of its sweatshop conditions, which is why the tour was allowed in the first place. As the plot develops perhaps some people try to get Heaven involved to counteract the influence of Hell. One possible ending is that God somehow undoes the deal, leaving the whole thing as "just a dream" in everybody's mind. If everybody in the country were to have such a dream on the same night, I suspect some might make more of an effort to stay out of Hell in the future. In another, more serious alternative, the devilish President works covertly, until someone uncovers the plot and starts trying to foil it. This would be more like a conventional "Good vs Evil" horror movie, with the fate of an unsuspecting world hanging in the balance. Maybe there's a big special effects battle at the end, perhaps on Election Eve where he's up for a second term. The outcome of the battle will influence the voters to decide the election accordingly, as well as putting the forces of Heaven or Hell in the driver's seat on some psychic level. In some ways this would be a pretty standard formula except for the political element. ********************* You know that saying about the best-laid plans of mice and men. Does it also apply to cats and women? Sometimes it's hard to tell what cats had been planning. ********************* The LAN at work went down late one afternoon, and they didn't have it back up by the time I left 8:30 or 9 pm. As it turned out they had it working before morning, but what if they hadn't? And then I got to wondering, what if they NEVER got it fixed? Replace the router and all the computers and wiring and it still doesn't work? Finally give up and move somewhere else, and the next tenant in that building can't get their LAN working either. So after several successive tenants can't get computer networks working there, they finally rent the place out for storage or something like that where nobody expects to do much with computers. There are rumors about a curse, but nobody can prove anything beyond the fact that no computer network that's set up there ever works. As the years pass and computers become even more pervasive, things get to the point where they can't rent it out at all, even for a storage warehouse. So they tear it down and turn the lot into a park. There are still some weird phenomena about computers not working there, but now it's just a curiosity with little economic importance. That particular park becomes a little more popular than others among UFO believers and others interested in the paranormal, but in general people don't worry about it. It's an interesting Halloween legend, but little more. ********************* If a certain well-known story had been science fiction, perhaps "The Galactic Emperor's New Spacesuit", the ending might have been much more tragic. ********************* Some thoughts inspired by X-Files: Some gov't projects are supposedly so secret that their very existence is known only to a few. They show up on no organizational charts, and their funding is routed through various cover activities. And as they become more and more deeply shrouded in secrecy, they become less and less accountable to their nominal superiors. That leads me to wonder at what point such a group ceases to be a government agency and becomes a form of organized crime (assuming you're not anarchist enough to believe that all government is organized crime). Maybe it still thinks of itself as part of the government, but in reality it is no more accountable to or supervised by any legitimate authority than the Mafia is. Indeed, at this point it may even be getting its funding outside official channels: Remember those accusations about the CIA and drug money?. If such an outfit existed and Congress or the President were to find out about it, all they could do would be to send in the FBI or the Army or some such to forcibly stop them, with no guarantee of success. I don't know if anything that started as a government agency has reached that state, but with all the conspiracy theories and such being tossed around nowadays it doesn't seem beyond the realm of possibility. ********************* Question for fantasy fans and writers: Does foot-and-mouth disease (aka hoof-and-mouth disease) affect centaurs? If so, what do you do about it? ********************* In other news, a number of people around Silicon Valley are complaining about tax treatment of some of their stocks. Seems they exercised options at a time when the market price was much higher than their option price, somehow got that situation recognized as "income", then for whatever reason didn't sell before the price dropped. So now some of them owe tax on phantom income they never actually got. The IRS's theory was that they had the income on paper and thus owe tax because they took the risk of not actually getting the money. Or something like that. Seems to me that a satirist could extend that theory to Lotto tickets and the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol. You buy a $1 Lotto ticket, and the store should collect an additional umpty zillion dollars tax from you at the time of sale because the IRS recognizes the ticket as a potential winner and you're taking the risk that it might not win. Likewise, you should pay tax when you mail in the Publishers Clearing House form that encourages you to think you've won, because again you're the one taking the risk that the Prize Patrol may never arrive at your door. It could be argued that the differences between stock options and a Lotto ticket are just a matter of degree. ********************* This rolling blackout thing that's affecting California may make a good cover story if you don't know how to program your VCR and it's just sitting there flashing: "With all these blackouts, why bother to set the clock if it'll just be wiped out again in a few days." ********************* And speaking of Oscars and movies and such ... Incident Along Fantasy Way Into the Movies "Theodore" is a strange name for a restaurant, Like the owners had wanted a child instead. But there it is, midway between the dance place And the all-night magazine stand. Late at night clouds of conversation Drift between the tables: A heaping serving of ideas With noodles and gravy Like the film maker borrowing a pencil To figure out a deal And then telling all about it. "I'm making a movie about the Real World -- Not this world, But the REAL world." You know the old fairy tales About people walking into pictures? Well, he somehow Could actually do it. "The hard part is getting up the nerve To walk down the aisle And up on the stage In front of a whole movie theater Full of people. "But nobody really notices that much And the ones that do Tend to think you work there. The rest is easy: Just slip into the edge of the screen And there you are. "But there's a danger -- Once you're in, it's not a movie any more: It's the whole world, And to get out again You have to get past whatever action Is on camera. "Go into a spy movie in Paris And you may only be able to get out By way of London Or Hong Kong Or Istanbul. And when you do finally emerge There's no way of knowing What theater you'll be in." But his problem was more ultimate -- The movie had ended And it didn't seem likely There would be a sequel. Stuck forever? Well, maybe. But maybe not. There were no scenes of Hollywood But in the writer's mind it had been there Along with the idea That "getting into movies" should be easy Even if it wasn't. So of course it was. He had spent years at it, Making movie after movie, Working his way up Until he could write, produce, and direct The exact movie he wanted. In another year it would be done. Then, any time he decided, He could walk up to the edge of the screen And be home. Thomas G. Digby written 0240 hr 1/25/75 entered 1145 hr 3/05/92 ********************* HOW TO GET SILICON SOAPWARE EMAILED TO YOU If you're getting it via email and the headers show the originating site as "lists.best.com" you're getting the list version, and anything you send to DigbyZine@lists.best.com will be posted. 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