The Chronicles of Mistybutt

by cynsa bonorris

It's after nightfall, and you are about to head home after having a nice visit with a friend. Suddenly, as you prepare to mount your bike, you realize that with the coming of night, condensation has conspired with the Elements to give you a nasty case of Mistybutt.

The perils of mistybutt cannot be denied. Whether it's a mild case, resulting in a butt that is merely damp, or a severe case, in which the whole butt area is saturated, no motorcyclist can avoid mistybutt altogether. It's an affliction and a curse, and its consequences are manifold:

  1. Even a mildly damp butt can cause a rider to become irritable and cranky, thus making her/him lose patience even more readily with the Four-Wheeled Vermin (4WV) and perhaps, in this frustrated state, taking risks s/he might not normally take.
  2. Makes the ride home chillier. In cases of saturated butt, unless steps are taken to reacclimatize the butt after reaching your destination, the chill can lead to a cold or worse.
  3. Chafing.
  4. In cases of wet butt or saturated butt, your affliction might be noticeable, leading to embarrassing misapprehensions.
  5. Hyperfertility due to testicular cooling (males).
  6. Long-time riders, especially those residing in fog-prone cities, run the risk of contracting hemorrhoids.
  7. The Horrifying Repercussions of Steamybutt
But what steps might we take to avoid this insidious condition? It is impossible, however, to prepare for every contigency. In the spirit of scientific inquiry, I have kept the following chronicles of my trials with the dread affliction.

25 Jan 94
I was saved this evening from a particularly nasty case of mistybutt by a good friend who had the foresight to move my bike into his garage.

Lucky butt.

29 Jan 94
I've been pondering my overweening pride as a motorcyclist. I look at the puny 4W vermin and think how godlike I am. And yet, it is the motorcycle which is godlike, and what glory it imparts it may take away in a breath, leaving me with a soggy bottom.
So it was, today

2 Feb 94
In a related incident, yesterday I rediscovered the woes of squishyglove. My hands were so sopping I had to wring out my gloves at the lights. Now, I know I should buy some real gloves, instead of wearing my $16 suede gloves, but every time I go glove shopping I am dismayed at the extremely high price of deerskin; also, they never have my size or they put those stupid studs on the top for decorative purposes (studs on the palms would be ok) or they only have them in BLUE! RED! and WHITE! or they are gauntlets that reach halfway up my elbows so I can't bend my arms.

End of rant.

No, wait, I'm not done yet: then, even if I bought them, I'd have to worry incessantly about losing them, or only losing one of them and then I'd have this incredibly expensive, unmatchable, totally useless glove hanging out in my apartment because I couldn't bear to throw it away so what is the point? I ask you.

14 Feb 94
All wet butt today. I'm chafing where I sit.

4 Mar 94

oh to be misty
my butt in the evenings
doth strive

but oh! how a shoprag
in the glad hand of a friend
averts fate

17 Mar 94
Today I saw a beemer with a shaggy seat cover and thought "Eureka!"

Only I don't know how I'd feel about sitting on a sheep. I mean a BMW.

27 Mar 94

On a night such as this
when the dew does not adhere
nor the mists befog
my butt

I speed lightly through the streets
and summon capricious spring
while the bugs bespeckle
my teeth

20 May 94
Lately I have been wondering: why are vinyl and leather more prone to mist accumulation? Do they hold the heat better and convect it slowly afterwards, thus condensing more water vapor? Is it out of sheer perverse will to see my butt mistified?

1 Jun 94
Am considering the possibility of a crushed velvet seat cover.

6 Jun 94

 Requiem for My Butt

In that first cold moment
as the wet    sliced
through the weft,            

I felt the frigid bite
as a deft     knife
keen as death.

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