Jurassic Poodle - Treatment Copyright 1995 Earl Vickers Amber We see a close-up of a piece of amber. The camera examines air pockets, crystalline patterns and starbursts of light. In the center is a dark blur. As we zoom in, an image suddenly pops into focus: a flea! We view a photomicrograph of its hideous features. A voice says, "Que feo es!" Badlands, Montana Despite the subtitle, we're clearly in someone's back yard. Volunteers are digging up the lawn. Ellie Mae brushes the dirt off a large canine skeleton and, using her little finger, picks a booger out of its nostril. After examining it a moment, she tastes it. "Tart, fruity, delicately balanced, with just a hint of wild berries. Definitely Jurassic vintage." As she's walking away from the skeleton, someone sets off an M-80 and blows it to bits. Grunt examines a computer display of the skeleton. He lectures his students about how this creature had more in common with the dinosaurs than with modern canines, as evidenced by the narrow snouts and other features. Every time he turns his head away from the screen, the (animated) skeleton scratches itself furiously, then stops the instant he turns back. A small obnoxious boy (played by a midget) sneers, "That doesn't look scary. More like a six-foot *poodle!*" Everyone snickers. The crowd parts, making way for Grunt. "Try to imagine yourself at the end of the Jurassic period," says Grunt. "You're a big scary dinosaur. You think you're pretty tough. But here comes a herd of wild poodles. You think they won't notice you if you don't move, but they sniff you out. The great poodles were pack hunters. They circle around you, tighter and tighter." Grunt dances in circles around the boy while barking "Yip yip yip." "They come right up to you and breathe their fetid breath in your face," Grunt says, as he demonstrates. The boy looks ill. "They nibble on your toes with their nasty, razor-sharp teeth. Then they slash at you with this," (the boy's eyes get big, as Grunt pulls a claw from his pocket), "an elegantly manicured six-inch retractable claw. Then they hoist their legs and pee on your foot." Grunt starts unzipping. "Allen, please," says Ellie Mae. Grunt zips back up, reluctantly. "The point is, you're alive when they start humping your leg. So try and show a little respect, okay?" The boy stands in shock, wide-eyed and shaken by this demonstration, and manages to nod. He'll never belittle poodles again. A limo speeds up and runs over the remains of the skeleton. An elderly man gets out, along with two grandchildren. Grunt yells, "Hey, who's the jerk?" John Hammock introduces himself and his grandchildren. "I own an island -- well, more like a peninsula -- actually it's a trailer park. We're setting up a kind of biological preserve." He glances at his grandchildren (also played by midgets). "Our attractions will drive kids wild." "And what are those?" Grunt asks. Ellie Mae answers, "Small versions of adults, honey." "I think this will be right up your alley." Poodle Park Golf carts turn at a street sign labeled "Your Alley" and speed through the golf course, passing a large metal fence with a sign: "Danger, 10,000 ohms". We see the Jurassic Poodle logo taped to the sides of the carts. Grunt, Ellie Mae and Hammock get out. While Ellie Mae is examining the turf, something catches Grunt's eye. He grabs Ellie's head and turns it in the proper direction. Then he grabs her jaw and manually drops it for her. Then he helps her crane her neck, back, back, further back until she's looking straight up. We look out across the golf course and see a huge (obviously superimposed) great poodle with a foofy French cut. The camera tilts higher and higher, viewing the poodle's giant legs, then its body (wearing a knitted sweater and a faux diamond collar), and finally its head (with a bow). The poodle spots the humans and sits up and begs, towering high against the sky. "Welcome," says Hammock, "to Poodle Park." Grunt looks out across the golf course. Cut to footage of a poodle race, or poodles at a pet show. "They move in herds," Grunt says. "They really do move in herds." Grunt asks how fast they are. "Well, we clocked the Fifi Rex at 50 miles an hour." Ellie Mae stutters, "You've got a fi-fi-fi Fifi Rex?" "Say again," says Grunt. Hammock proudly repeats, "We have a Fifi Rex." Grunt turns and vomits. The Museum Hammock takes them on a tour of the museum. (This location is a room in a Northern California bed and breakfast which is furnished in a poodle decor -- miniature porcelain poodles, poodle postcards, sentimental paintings of poodles, etc.) "We've got living biological attractions so astounding, so expensive, so exquisitely coiffed, that they'll capture the imagination of the entire planet. Spared no expense." He takes them into the viewing room. We see a [parody of Bambi Meets Godzilla] film featuring animation of a small purple dinosaur, who walks around an idyllic setting as we hear the Peer Gynt Suite superimposed with the Barney theme. A narrator with a British PBS nature documentary accent discusses the various theories concerning the dinosaur's extinction. Then a huge, well-groomed poodle paw comes down and smashes the dinosaur. "We now know the great poodles were instrumental in the demise of the dinosaur." Then we see Mr. DNA, intercut with footage from the O. J. Simpson trial, in which Mr. DNA implicates Simpson. A white Akita ("Kato") sits in the witness chair, with Kato Kaelin's voice superimposed, and is questioned by Marsha Clark. San Jose, California They walk through a downtown park and find a (giant) stuffed poodle lying on its back with its feet straight up in the air. Ellie examines it and wonders if something in its diet might have killed it. "I'll need to examine its droppings." They continue walking. Malcolm warns her, "Do NOT go in there! Phew!" She ignores him and walks over to the large, dog-poop-like Quetzalcoatl statue (in downtown San Jose). Malcolm quips, "That's one big pile of shit." Ellie Mae pretends to plunge her arm into it. Then we see a close-up of her tasting some melted chocolate and describing it in terms normally reserved for fine wines. She frowns. "A hint of coffee beans," she observes, ominously.