"Start, dammit!"

"The front right windshield wiper blade is worn. It must be replaced."

"Yeah, yeah...."

"You will replace it."

"I can't do that right now. I'm in a parking garage downtown."

"If you are unable to replace the front right windshield wiper blade, contact a qualified service technician."

"Whatever."

"Your papers, please."

"My drivers license, motor vehicle registration, insurance policies, auto club card, social security, bank account, and credit card numbers are all in your memory chip already. What more do you want from me?"

"Your papers are not in order."

"What are you talking about? This is crazy! Start, dammit! Start!"

"The scheduled oil change is 31 days overdue."

"I'm getting out of this car! My seatbeat... I can't get out! Let me out of here!"

"The authorities have been contacted."

Why not reunite Bette Midler and Woody Allen (I loved Scenes from a Mall, didn't you?) in a parody of "You've Got Mail," in which they assume fake identities and meet in an AOL chatroom. Neither knows that the other is her/his ex. Soon, they're wreaking havoc all over the internet, causing a Stock Market crash and a flareup in the Middle East. From their misadventures on the net, they learn that their divorce was a good idea. Cast Steve Martin as Steve Case. He's good at swearing (and donning a shit-eating grin when necessary) and looks great in expensive, elegant clothes.

Clinton should get the boot for smoking cigars in the Oval Office. I wish Starr had planted miniature video cameras in the smoke detectors at the White House and caught the President lighting up a stogie, redhanded. The White House is a federal workplace. Smoking is strictly prohibited there. Talk about your high crimes and misdemeanors. Gen. Barry McCaffrey should administer the handcuffs.