Subject: nuclear bombs
My dear Scumbucket,
No, no, no, my imaginative little friend. "Blow them all up" is not an option. I am sure you thought it a clever idea, though -- incite the humans to nuclear self-annihilation, enjoy the greatest harvest in history, and frustrate the plans of the Enemy once and for all. Too bad it's not original.
This subject, I must admit, brings up bitter memories for me. We, too, realized the potential benefits not long after Einstein, Teller, and the rest of them had worked out the possibilities (ah, how hard we had them working! How driven they were!). The first tests were very encouraging, and it was with great anticipation that we gathered above Hiroshima to feast.
Imagine our horror: there was no feast. The bomb had not been tested directly on humans before, and we had no inkling of the consequence.
The Bomb, we discovered, destroys everything -- including human souls. By its nature and its sheer force, the blast rips apart the fabric of space-time itself, and even reaches into our plane of existence -- where it can disrupt the metaphysical forces that maintain you and I as cognizant spirits. Angels, demons, anyone that was manifest to any degree near Ground Zero was demolished.
In the heart of that blast nothing survives but the will of the Enemy, absolute.
We have refused to admit defeat. We have worked ceaselessly through our subjects in the scientific and political communities to continue testing (I love that certain variety of Frenchman, don't you? So spunky, so arrogant, so tasty...), to refine the force so that it destroys bodies but not the souls that we crave. The neutron bomb developed in the 1970s (which "destroys people but not property" by emitting high radiation doses but a low blast force) was a promising line of research; unfortunately, it leaves people alive for too long.
You must remember that a human who is aware of and accepts their mortality is a liability to us. If someone knows they are going to die -- particularly if they know it will be soon -- they have an annoying tendency to turn to the Enemy at last and (ugh) repent at the last minute. This is why you have been instructed, as part of your General Orders, to keep their minds off of the inevitablity of death, and to keep them preoccupied with the notion that it can be postponed by things like hair transplants, dietary supplements, and exercise equipment.
So a human who is the process of cognizant dying is to be avoided. Much better to catch them unawares and unrepentant. (In some other letter, I will answer the questions that you probably have at this point regarding "euthanasia" and old age homes.) Hence, we continue to explore cataclysmic methods of harvest, and I can tell you this: biotechnology is looking more and more promising by the day.
As ever,
Screwdisk