How many more
times will we see
each other? Some of us are dead already. Too many.
More of us will be dead in 10 years and won't make it to the 50 year
reunion. Maybe me. Maybe you. But now we
are alive
for this, the grand 40 year reunion of the class of 68. Let's
celebrate.
I
think anger is a great
motivator and both political parties are using anger to motivate their
base. This has lead to a situation where both liberals and
conservatives are furious and think the other side is composed of
idiots and scoundrels. This is not healthy. There
is a
mixture of wisdom and folly coming from both sides. Most of
the
politicians really are corrupt scoundrels, but most of the voters on
either side are just decent people doing their best to understand a
complicated world. I am trying to spend more time listening
and
understanding, and less time arguing, condemning and trying to persuade
others to my point of view.
I happen to think George
Bush has
been a terrible president, but if you think he has been a great
president we can still be friends. I'll be happy to listen to
any
political point of view as long as it is presented in a friendly
intelligent manner. I am tired of listening to angry rants. I
would rather talk to people who are curious and realize there is a lot
they don't know.
In most conversations a person can
take the one of two roles. We can see ourselves as trying to
win a contest, or we can see ourselves as trying to learn something
new. It is hard to do both. I prefer the role of
the learner. I prefer curiosity to competition.
After graduating from Dykes I went to
the University of Miami for a year. I thought I wanted to be
a marine biologist but quickly lost interest. I returned to
Atlanta and went to Georgia State for two years. I had no
idea what I was doing or why I was there but I had to stay in school to
avoid the draft and Vietnam. When they started the
draft lottery I got lucky and got a good number and dropped out of
school. I wondered around the country for a while.
I lived briefly in Canada and San Francisco. I returned to
Atlanta.
I thought LSD would lead to a
world wide spiritual awakening. I tried to get my parents to take
it. They thought I was crazy. They were
right.
I had my first big romance with a
woman named Cara. I lived in the woods in Mabelton in an old house with
some interesting friends. I decided I better figure out some
way to make a living. I went to Control Data Institute and
learned to program computers. I got a programming
job. They made me wear a coat and tie to work. I
didn't like it and quit.
I went to
India. I loved being in India. The different
culture fascinated me. At that time the Indian Rupee was
worth almost nothing compared to the dollar and I realized I could live
there very cheaply, hang out in the Himalayas or the beach and read
books and talk to interesting people and not work. I stayed
for four months. I came back to the USA and sold Earth Shoes
for a year. I had a romance with Lane T. She and I
moved in together but couldn't get along and split up. I set
off to ride a bicycle across the USA but hitch hiked a lot and stopped
in New Orleans. I returned to India with a one way
ticket. I spent about two years living in various Asian
countries. I taught conversational English in
Taiwan. I drank too much. I had a Chinese
girl friend who I thought I wanted to marry. My
father wrote me a long letter about how crazy that would be.
He was right. I got tired of living in foreign
places and returned to the USA. The computer industry had
changed. They didn't care if I wore a tie as long as
my programs worked.
I had a long period without a
woman in my life. I decided I was a dismal pathetic looser
and no
woman would ever want me. Fortunately I got into positive
thinking and self hypnosis and reprogrammed myself to think I was an
extremely desirable man and women were crazy about me. I then
had lots of relationships although none of them lasted very
long. The thing that has fascinated me ever since is that
both beliefs, that I was a "dismal pathetic looser and no woman would
ever want
me" and "I was an extremely desirable man and women were crazy about
me" were true, depending on which I convinced myself of.
There was nothing mysterious or mystical about this, but it was
absolutely true that my beliefs created my
reality.
I got out
of programming for a few years and started a landscape
business. It was fun. I liked being outside working
with plants and being the boss. I developed a constant
ringing in my ears from being around chain saws and lawn mowers and
leaf blowers. I had to either get out of the business or go
deaf or become hands off management. I went back into
software development. The computer industry had changed once
again. I enjoyed it more and more.
I
continued drinking too much. I couldn't stop. I
went to a 12 step meeting. I disagreed with some of the dogma
but I loved the people, which is what mattered. I quit
drinking. I tried drinking again a few years later, then quit
again. The last time was over 20 years ago.
I
bought a house in Brookhaven where I am still living today.
Call me and come by and visit some time.
I went to a
Buddhist retreat center in Vermont. I sat still and meditated
for a month and didn't talk. This was a big deal.
Ask me about it if you want to know more.
There were
more relationships that didn't last.
I
met Katherine 11 years ago. The first night we spent
together, she fell asleep and I was laying next to her,
listening
to her breath and I had the most wonderful feeling. I felt
something I had never felt before and I thought "She's the
one". And she is.
The Internet happened
and the computer industry changed again. I worked for 8
different companies in 7 years. They were all run by smart
hard working people and they all went out of business. I
invested in the first of these start ups. I lost
money. Fortunately I learned my lesson after that and always
got paid by the hour.
This brings my
story up to the time I retired, which you can read about in that
link.
Afterthoughts:
This
is of course very brief and I left out most of the details. I
could probably take any one of the sentences here and write a book
about it.
What I wrote is somewhat in the order that
things happened, but not exactly. Some things overlap and it
might seem like I did one thing before or after the other, but that is
not necessarily true.
I wrote a lot about what I did,
but not so much about how I felt while doing this. Sometimes
I was happy, sometimes sad. Sometimes elated, euphoric,
amazed that life could be so good, that it was so beautiful.
Sometimes I was just quietly content. Other times I was sad,
lonely, bored, depressed, frightened, horrified or in a state
of dismal bleak despair. That's the human condition.
If I had gone to a psychiatrist I probably would have been
given some pills to level things out. I'm glad I
never did that. I'm glad I experienced the extremes.
I
retired a few years
ago at the age of 54. First I want to cut through the status
implications of early retirement and say that I am not rich.
I
probably made less money than half of the people reading
this. I
was a mid level computer programmer. I mostly worked part
time. The reason I was able to retire is that even though I
didn't make lots of money I lived frugally and spent even less and
invested the difference. Fortunately I never got trapped by
the
great cultural myth of the American consumer that "The way to be happy
is to buy more stuff".
At the age of 54 I admitted
to myself
that my mind was not as quick as it once was. I was not
learning
the new technology as quickly as the bright young guys entering the
field. I could have kept working but I didn't relish the idea
of
being the old guy who was having trouble keeping up in a field
dominated by people in their 20's.
I finished a
project and
decided to take a few months off. The months stretched into a
year. I did some calculations and figured I might end up
being
broke when I was 85 but I decided to take the chance. I
retired.
Everybody thinks they want to retire until
they actually do it.
The
first few months were great fun. I felt like a kid out of
school
for the summer. I did all the things I normally did in my
leisure
time, but I just did more of them. I joined the YMCA and got
in
pretty good shape for a guy my age. I traveled a lot.
I
spent time in Guatemala and India and Costa Rica. I got
tired of
traveling though. At first it seemed like a big adventure,
but I
canceled the last trip I had planned because it stated to seem more
like hard work than fun.
I started to
feel bored and
directionless. I had always thought I would write a book when
I
retired. I found out just how hard writing is and dropped
it.
I took some art classes and eventually realized I didn't have
much talent or interest in that either. I
got depressed then.
I started to think I was just a boring guy whose greatest
creative accomplishment was writing computer code and that I was now
doomed to spend the rest of his life wondering around aimlessly,
watching TV and waiting to get old and die. I got in a dark
state
of mind.
Gradually
something shifted. If I
could explain how this happened I would, but I can't. It
seemed
like I became interested in everything, including any state of mind I
got into. I became immensely curious. Life seemed
so full
of fascinating stuff that the idea that I had ever felt bored seemed
like an amazing delusion. I started to write, but not a book
and
not in a form I would have guessed. I had no desire to show
anyone anything I wrote. I just enjoyed doing it.
Life
became rich and full and better than ever. I became more
grateful
to be alive than I knew was possible.
I've
written about all of this partially because, as an early retire, I
think it might be helpful to others about to retire. From talking to
other people I see that the stages I went through are pretty common.
First,
a great euphoria at being free to do anything you want.
Second,
a period of boredom, lack of direction and possible depression.
Third,
if all goes well, a new blossoming of the spirit.
People
avoid talking about the middle stage because they are embarrassed by
it. Don't be embarrassed. It is common. Just keep
on doing
the next right thing and see what happens.
Women
are good. Eleven years
ago I met a particularly good one. Her name is Katherine.
Her picture is at the bottom of the main page.
I'm 58
now. It's not like when I was 20. The rest is
private.
I
don't know much and what I think I know may well be wrong.
My
spiritual life is more about how I live than what I believe.
People believe all kinds of different things and they are
happy
in spite of the fact that all these different beliefs couldn't be true
but they make people happy anyway.
There
are just a few beliefs that I think, in addition to being untrue, are
unhealthy and harmful:
-- I
don't believe in Hell or Satan or Eternal Damnation and I think telling
these stories to children is cruel.
--
I
don't think one person is better than another because of what they do
or don't believe about God or any other supernatural or metaphysical
idea.
I
rarely use the word God, but if I had to I would say that God is Love.
I
think prayer and meditation work, in that they make people happier.
It doesn't matter if the beliefs connected with them are true
of
not. From a strictly scientific point of view we know
meditation
works for stress relief. Kaiser and other medical
organizations
now use meditation for relief from chronic pain.
Spiritual
organizations provide community. People are too isolated in
our
culture and again it doesn't matter if the beliefs of the spiritual
organization are true or not, the community still makes people's lives
better. The only problem is when the members of the different
spiritual communities feel superior to each other because of their
different beliefs. This is of course a result of the human
ego and has nothing to do with spiritual life.
How
to be happy and live the good life? What has worked for me
has been:
- Honesty, even when it's hard.
-
Meditation. I learned this in the Buddhist tradition, but
that doesn't matter.
- The community of people practicing the
12 steps
- A little known spiritual/psychological path called
"The Diamond Approach".
- Kindness
- Katherine.
Maintaining a healthy happy relationship may be my most
important spiritual practice.
- Paying attention to what's
going on right now.
- Relaxing and surrendering to the great
mystery of the present moment.
That's what worked
for me. I would like to know what worked for you.
Now
for the deeper questions. Who or what made the universe?
What happens after death? Why are we here?
What does
it all mean?
Who or what made the universe? I don't
know.
What happens after death? I don't know.
Why
are we here and what does it all mean? No one can tell you
this,
just as no one can laugh for you or make love for you. You
have
to answer this or experience this for yourself, but there is an answer.
Lots
of people I have been close to
have died in the last few years. Some of my best friends,
people
my own age, have died. Three died from cancer, one from heart
attack, one suicide, two liver failure from alcoholism, and one of my
favorite people on earth died from complications of hemorrhoid surgery.
Katherine was in the hospital twice with
something that
could have been life threatening, although she is fine now. This
was intense.
The biggest thing of all
though was the death
of my father last December at the age of 90. I had been
expecting
him to die for several years, and at times I had hoped he
would go
ahead and die because he was in such terrible condition, but when he
finally did die it hit me harder than I could have imagined.
All
of this has had an effect on me. Life is short.
Smile.
I
need to finish "Tom Carr Loves You" and freeze it so people who are
coming to the reunion can read it in it's final version.
However I had so much fun doing this that I have created Tom Carr Loves You Two.
If you have any interest in delving more deeply into my
mental ramblings, click on Tom Carr Loves You Two
where I may go on and on with this for years. I will eventually
set up a discussion board there so we can have an ongoing conversation.
That's
all for now
ver 2.05