This is additional fine print. It is company policy that there be fine print on all pages, just in case. By reading this you agree not to email the author telling him he isn't funny. He knows this. He just doesn't care anymore. AJ's Deep Space is owned and operated by a retired troupe of circus clowns from Cincinnati, Ohio.
Infrequently Asked Questions (IFAQ)
A Not talkin' about a lotta grey cells production
Q. What's with all the animated fish in your pages?
— A. I have no idea what you're talking about.
Q. A train leaves New York travelling 20 km/hour. It stops at Albuquerque, and picks up two Mets fans, one of who has a psychiatric disorder causing him to believe aliens are beaming the scores of the Littleton amateur bowling league into his molars. A second train leaves Chicago at the same time, this one travelling 40 km/hour, but Amtrak cancels it before it gets to Cleveland when they realize no one actually ever goes to Cleveland. What is the speed of light in a vaccuum?
— A. I've told you people this before — I don't do word problems.
Q. What, exactly, is Polysorbate-80 anyway?
— A. I don't really know. I'm also pretty sure I don't really want to.
Q. What do women really want?
— A. Love. Respect. And bearer bonds. And easily-liquidated precious metals.
Q. It was alleged decades ago that there's a sucker born every minute. Given the burgeoning world population, is it safe to assume there is now a sucker born something like every fifteen seconds?
— A. Direct empirical evidence also supports this contention. So yes, I think this is a pretty safe assumption.
Q. Is there a God?
— A. I have to go with Rushdie on this one — we haven't got much to work with on that particular question — but we do have growing suspicions there may be a devil.
Q. What is the key to happiness?
— A. The trust and love of the people important to you. And, again, bearer bonds and easily-liquidated precious metals.
Q. How can you tell a mock chicken?
— A. The call. Maawwk mock mock mock...
Q. Do you ever worry about how much evil there is in the world?
— A. Actually, lately I've been worrying more about finding a way to license it all and to collect the royalties.
Q. Should I fake my orgasms?
— A. Yes.
Q. Is the pope Catholic?
— A. Is Dubya a wanker?
Q. What's with all the animated fish in your pages?
— A. Look — this keeps coming up — there are no @#$% fish, okay? You people are starting to get on my nerves, you know that?
Q. You do realize the fossil record is planted by Satan to deceive us, leading us astray from the light of God's word, don't you?
— A. Rev. Falwell, I'm pretty sure that's a violation of the restraining order. Don't make me pick up this phone.
Q. Those people with the "As a matter of fact, I do own the road" bumper stickers — do they really?
— A. Not usually.
Q. Is that your final answer?
— A. Is that your real hair?
Q. How do I qualify to get my own TV talk show?
— A. Can you talk?
Q. But will it play in Peoria?
— A. What is Peoria, exactly, anyway? And why would I care if anything plays there? Can someone help me out on this? I've never really got that question.
Q. I saw you across a crowded laundromat last Tuesday — you were folding your underwear. You're hot. Can I interest you in a coffee?
— A. Ummm... Sorry. That can't have been me. I don't wear underwear.
Q. Okay. There were mass protests in Seattle last year — thousands of people. And the image we seem to be getting through the media is that somehow this is a minority speaking, a few extremists, all horribly misinformed and ideologically driven. What would the coverage be if the entire population — outside the boardrooms of the media empires, the administration, and the congress, generally also agreed the powers and proceedings of the WTO are dangerously antidemocratic, and a potential threat to their standard of living?
— A. That this is a minority speaking, a few extremists, all horribly misinformed and ideologically driven. Which is kinda comically ironic, considering the charge applies extremely well to the very dogmatic, extremely purely ideological champions of free trade in all cases, all markets, all countries, regardless of all other considerations, who are currently in vogue in the corridors of power, and who level this charge against any and all critics, given an opportunity.
Sadly, probably the only hope the intelligent critics of this revealed wisdom have of ever being taken seriously is that someday, Pat Buchanan might also decide free trade is a good thing, thus disqualifying him as the chosen spokesthingy when the networks need someone to present a critical view to the discerning viewer.
Q. Who's your tailor?
— A. I don't actually have one — I buy primarily off the rack, dividing my shopping time almost evenly between Wal-Mart and Bloomingdales.
Q. Will Donald Trump ever become president of the US?
— A. I don't suppose it would be that much more ridiculous than a senile ex- B-movie actor holding the office.
Q. Will I ever find love?
— A. No. Sorry. And yes, it is just you.
Q. I am trapped, suffocating intellectually, emotionally, and physically in the enclosing three-quarter height carpeted cubicle walls of the modern corporate dystopia. Can you save me?
— A. No. I'm in the next cube. And try to keep the screaming down, will you?
Last updated 3/3/2000
