Bob's Interview*

A Yes, as a matter of fact we do get paid for this production

A company for which I once worked used to have these pre-written interview questions they used to screen prospective hires.

At one point we went through a lengthy period during which we were interviewing potential technical writers, and I was sitting in on the sessions. Asking and hearing the stock questions often enough, your mind can start to wander. And apart from thinking there's something slightly insulting to the intelligence of the people actually conducting the interview in providing them with this material (it is so helpful to tell us we might inquire about their hobbies?), I eventually got to thinking that if there's a set of questions, there should be a set of answers. And came up with the following.

What are your hobbies?

I am a nihilist. I find my greatest pleasure in total chaos. Flying remote-controlled model planes indoors amuses me. Stealing computer equipment and replacing it with tastefully arranged fruit baskets is to me a thing of endless mirth. Randomly deleting files on shared servers gives me sexual pleasure.

What do you know about our company?

I have heard you can skateboard from one end of the building to the other in less than 60 seconds. I have heard your staff are people of great spiritual beauty. I have heard having a drinking problem here means the lunchroom refrigerator is out of beer. I have heard your coffee causes malignant tumors in 80 percent of tested farm animals.

What inspired you to seek employment at our company?

I heard a voice in my head. "Kill your mother," it said. "Paint all highway signs within 60 kilometers of here a vibrant ochre." And then it told me to apply to this company. I obeyed.

How does your education, experience, and job experience prepare you for the position for which you are applying? Where do you think you fit and why?

I spent the first six years of my existence on this plane as a goat-herd in the Himalayas. At seven, my father took me to a Tibetan monastery, where I learned martial arts, speed chess, origami, flower arranging, web page design, and object-oriented programming. For twenty years I labored.

In my 21st year of toil, the Communists invaded our homeland. They dissolved all religious institutions, driving the adepts into exile, and murdering all who would not recant their faith.

At first, I joined the party only to save my skin, but in time, to my later shame, their ideologies grew on me. I moved quickly upwards through the ranks, becoming in time the local party leader, and village mayor. I ghost-wrote pages two through eight of the little red book, and for a short time ran a local game show — "What's My Collective?" It was a hit throughout the northern territories.

After more than a decade in the party, I became disillusioned. Our glorious revolution had fallen on hard times, rotted from within by bribes and extortion. Grown fat through that very system of unofficial commerce, I could no longer face myself in the mirror. I fled into exile across the steppes, becoming, after many twists and turns of fate, a successful opium trader on the Afghanistan frontier. Eventually, however, I tired of that existence too, sold my holdings, and came here.

In short, I am rigorously trained, mentally disciplined, morally flexible, capable with small arms, and very experienced in business — entirely perfect for this industry.

What would your short/long term goals be?

In the short term, I desire only a cube to call my own, with a phone, a workstation, and a mirror ball for atmosphere. In the long term, I wish to join the Pope's personal security detail.

Why do you want to leave your present job?

I have become allergic to the beef tallow in which we cook the French fries. And the owners are becoming suspicious about my sideline — selling munitions through the takeout window.

What was your relationship like with your immediate manager?

Purely sexual.

You are working with a group of three or four people, and Karen is not pulling her own weight. She comes in later and leaves early. You need her to complete her part so that you are able to complete your task assigned by the supervisor. Karen knows that her part is critical but doesn't seem to care. You have a deadline and need her work. What do you do about Karen? Do here work habits concern you? Do you like working in a team?

I would go to her place of residence, late at night, worm my way through a basement window, and duct-tape a small, battery-powered transceiver to the inside of one of her central heating system's cold air intake ducts. Then, from my minivan telecommunications station on the corner of a street two blocks away, I would broadcast faint ominous whisperings into her home. "Deadline's a comin'… Deadline's a comin'… Deadline's a comin'…"

If this failed, I would plant a small quantity of hashish upon her person and call the RCMP.

What attracts you to the field of technical writing?

The glamour. The sex. The power...

Answers — A mechanism for avoiding questions.

— John Ralston Saul, The Doubter's Companion

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