SILICON SOAPWARE wafting your way along the slipstreams of the Info Highway from Bubbles = Tom Digby = bubbles@well.sf.ca.us http://www.well.com/~bubbles/ Issue #72 New Moon of November 25, 2000 Contents copyright 2000 by Thomas G. Digby, with a liberal definition of "fair use". In other words, feel free to quote excerpts elsewhere (with proper attribution), post the entire zine (verbatim, including this notice) on other boards that don't charge specifically for reading the zine, link my Web page, and so on, but if something from here forms a substantial part of something you make money from, it's only fair that I get a cut of the profits. Silicon Soapware is available via email with or without reader feedback. Details of how to sign up are at the end. ********************* I know many of you are sick of the recent election, so I'll keep that topic to a minimum. And you can always skip to the next row of ****. First, all this stuff with recounts and deadlines for recounts reminds me of when Howdy Doody was running for Kids' President back in 1952 or maybe 1956. They first separated the ballots (mailed in by viewers?) into two piles, one for Howdy and one for his opponent. Then they counted the opposing votes first. Now came the suspenseful part: Would they be able to count enough votes for Howdy by the vote-counting deadline? Of course they did, by something like one vote, even though the clown, who was for the other side, kept doing clown-like things to slow down the count. And in a more science-fictional vein, mention of possible election fraud got me to thinking. Suppose they start investigating and find evidence of major fraud, and continued investigations connect it to fraud in Illinois in the 1960 election. So the courts invalidate the 1960 election and give it to Nixon instead of Kennedy, and then order that things be adjusted to be as they would have been had Nixon won. Because of the zero-year thing, they assume that Nixon would have died in office, so they take Kennedy's picture off the half-dollar and put Nixon's there instead. They also rename all buildings and airports and such that currently have "Kennedy" in the name (unless they were named for some unrelated Kennedy before 1963). Then they assume that Nixon's VP (Henry Cabot Lodge?) would have been resoundingly re-elected in 1964, and take things from there. There would likely have been no big civil rights law, so they ask businesses and such to fire most of their minorities and hire more white males. And so on, such as reviewing the Cuban missile crisis, surmising how Vietnam would have gone with whoever would have been President instead of Johnson, whether there would have been a Drug War, and so on, all the way up to who would have run for President in 2000. Would it have still been Bush vs Gore, or would it have been somebody else, perhaps people most of us would have never heard of until the court says that they were the actual legitimate candidates? And what would we do for news of the revised election if the court were to decide that there wouldn't have been an Internet? Perhaps they eventually decide that redoing forty years of world history this way is too full of unprovable assumptions, so they issue a big contract to MIT and Stanford and others to develop time travel so they can go back to 1960 and blow the lid off the fraud as it happens. Thus the Time Patrol is born. ********************* A few weeks ago at a party I had occasion to microwave something. The microwave flashed FOOD IS READY on its display when it finished. That led me to wonder how it knew which message to display. How did it know to flash FOOD IS READY as opposed to AOL CD IS DESTROYED or perhaps some gruesome message about a small dog? ********************* At another party we got to discussing whether it would be possible to build a chocolate clock -- working, reasonably accurate, and entirely edible. Clocks have been built out of wood, so I would think it possible to use chocolate, probably semi-sweet because that doesn't melt as easily as milk chocolate. One missing component might be springs, but perhaps it could instead be based on weights and a pendulum. Or maybe, since cotton candy reminds me of spun glass in that a normally rigid substance is flexible if you make it thin enough, and thin glass is kind of springy, maybe you could do springs with some kind of hard candy formulation? Springs or no springs, you could probably reduce wear and get a longer useful life by using hard candy for "jewels". So how practical would this be, perhaps as a holiday novelty item? I don't know enough culinary chemistry or mechanical engineering to know. ********************* Some news item, perhaps in connection with the recent election campaign, mentioned prisons run by private for-profit corporations. Question: Do the inmates in such institutions get stock options? ********************* There was an article in one of the free local weeklies about how the dot- com dream is fading in San Francisco, and nostalgia is starting. The article reminded me of the Sixties, and how those of us in or connected to the counterculture had dreams of Changing The World. The content of the dream was different, world peace vs some new Internet utopia, but the vibes, the feeling of unbounded optimism, seem similar. And they also seem similar in that in retrospect it appears that both dreams were at least partially doomed, the product of unbridled youthful optimism. But all is not lost. Bits and pieces of both dreams are bearing fruit, although perhaps not in the form dreamed by the dreamers. I just had this mental image (from another local news item) of a beloved old tree falling, whereupon people start growing new trees from cuttings of it. The dreams live on. I would run "Recycler of Dreams", but I just ran it back in issue #70. ********************* Speaking of talking about things past, a recent episode of "X-Files" started late because of a football game. The game itself was over in plenty of time, but they spent another half-hour or so talking about it afterwards. If that's important enough to delay subsequent programs, why don't they do it for other shows besides sports? Perhaps follow each X- Files episode with writers and actors and such talking about the show we just saw, and what it all meant? Do the same for game shows like "The Price is Right", as well as all the soap operas? Why is this practice unique to sports? ********************* A few weeks ago I saw the movie "Little Nicky". There were a number of scenes in Hell, and a couple in Heaven. It seemed to me that Hell was presented as being the more interesting place, at least if you were in the upper hierarchy. And I think I've noticed that in a number of other movies. Why is that? I think it's that in Heaven nothing much appears to be happening. People are just sitting or strolling around, with no apparent goal. Heaven is depicted as being all fluffy-bunny sweetness and light that can get boring pretty quickly if you're effectively unemployed, while there's usually drama and intrigue in Hell. So why don't movies show a less boring Heaven? For example, I would expect there to be jobs for people who like feeling useful, even if those jobs have little parallel on Earth. There could be welcoming committees to help new arrivals get oriented, guide them through the phase of doing all the things they'd always wanted to do on Earth but never got a chance to do, and then encourage them find other things to do after that wears off. And if you're willing to put some effort into gaining the appropriate skills, there may be lots of openings for Spirit Guides and Guardian Angels for those still on Earth. I have seen hints of this now and then. "What Dreams May Come" is one example. And in something else (a Phil and Ed Adventure thing?) we see a Heaven with the likes of Einstein and Aristotle prominent, suggesting great advances in philosophy and such for those interested. But there do seem to be quite a few dull movie Heavens. ********************* A recent issue of some magazine had a car ad that suggested redesigning the Golden Gate Bridge with curves so drivers could enjoy a more challenging ride in whatever car was being advertised. I found myself analyzing the forces on the cables and coming to the conclusion that the proposed design wasn't very practical. But maybe that was the intent, to make it stick in people's minds. If so, the ad did its job and I should rush right out and buy whatever car was being advertised, except I don't recall what car that was. I'm also wondering how drivers of buses and semis and such would like the curves. Would they care much either way, other than being annoyed at the extra distance? On the other hand the added distance would mean more room for traffic jams to back up before they spilled out into streets at either end. That could be an advantage, keeping SF traffic woes out of Marin, or vice versa. But does my not remembering what the car was mean the ad didn't do its job after all? ********************* "I was just down at the corner store. They've put in a drinkermerbinker." "A what?" "A drinkermerbinker. You know, one of those self-service drink things you see in fast-food restaurants and convenience stores. You may know it by another name in this world." "Yeah, I think it's just called a 'self-service soda dispenser' or something like that." "That's your world, always coming up with dull names for things. In mine, if someone were to try to give some new invention a humdrum name that's so boring people can't even remember it, we would convene a committee composed of equal numbers of poets, children, and lunatics to come up with a better name." "How do you get a bunch like that to agree?" "We don't. They narrow it down to a dozen or so candidates, put them in a hat, and draw three or four. Then we publicize those to the public and let common usage decide." "Is that how they came up with 'drinkermerbinker'?" "I don't know. But if you're really curious, I could look it up the next time I go home." ********************* Comes now the time for the traditional reprinting of THE CHRISTMAS CAT Once upon a time in a village In a little mountain valley in Borschtenstein Lived a wicked millionaire Whose hobby was foreclosing mortgages And sending people out into the snow. He also took great pride in having The best Christmas decorations in the village. Also in this same village In the little valley in Borschtenstein Lived a poor family Whose mortgage, which came due on Christmas, Was designed to be impossible to pay off. The Christmas weather forecast was for snow And the millionaire's eviction lawyers were waiting. Now this wicked millionaire In the valley village etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, Also had the monopoly on Christmas trees To be sure of having the prettiest Christmas decorations In the whole village. Thus the poor family had nothing at all To put their presents under. Now by chance it so happened In that village in etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, The wicked millionaire had evicted his cat Because its ears and tail were the wrong color And it hadn't paid its mortgage. And the poor family had taken it in And given it a home. So just before Christmas When the Good Fairies asked the animals of the village About people in need and deserving of help The poor family got the highest recommendation. "We will help them!" said the elves and fairies, "They won't have to worry about that mortgage And they'll have the prettiest Christmas decorations in town!" The mortgage was really not much problem: If the millionaire couldn't throw people out into the snow He wouldn't bother throwing them out at all. So the elves spoke to the North Wind and they agreed: No more snow to throw people out into. Some people in the village would have liked snow to play in But agreed the sacrifice was for a good cause. Christmas trees were more of a problem: They had already given them out to other needy families And there were none left at all. They rummaged around in forgotten corners But not a Christmas tree could they find. Then someone had an idea: "Let's decorate their cat!" While one of the elves who spoke Feline Worked out the details with the cat The fairies flew around gathering decorations: Borrowed bits of light from small stars nobody ever notices, Streamers of leftover comet tails, And other assorted trinkets From odd corners of the universe. So the poor family gathered around their Christmas cat And sang songs and opened presents And had the happiest Christmas imaginable While all agreed they had the prettiest decorations The village had ever seen And the millionaire's eviction lawyers Waited in vain for snow. So that is why, to this day, In that valley village in Borschtenstein, It never snows Unless the eviction lawyers are out of town And every year the millionaire tries to decorate a Christmas cat But gets nothing for his pains But bleeding scratches. EPILOGUE: While overnight miracles are rare outside of story books, Even those who learn slowly do learn. So keep checking the weather reports for Borschtenstein. If some Christmas it snows there You will know the millionaire has given up being wicked And has found a truer meaning Of Christmas. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May you have the happiest Yule/Christmas/Hanukkah/Solstice/Whatever imaginable! Thomas G. Digby ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ first draft written 0115 hr 12/25/74 this version edited 2320 hr 12/14/86 ********************* HOW TO GET SILICON SOAPWARE EMAILED TO YOU If you're getting it via email and the headers show the originating site as "lists.best.com" you're getting the list version, and anything you send to DigbyZine@lists.best.com will be posted. That's the one you want if you like conversation. There's usually a burst of activity after each issue, dying down to almost nothing in between. But any post can spark a new flurry. If there's no mention of "lists.best.com" in the headers, you're getting the BCC version. That's the one for those who want just Silicon Soapware with no banter. The content is the same for both. 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