SILICON SOAPWARE wafting your way along the slipstreams of the Info Highway from Bubbles = Tom Digby = bubbles@well.com http://www.well.com/~bubbles/ Issue #190 New Moon of June 12, 2010 Contents copyright 2010 by Thomas G. Digby, with a liberal definition of "fair use". In other words, feel free to quote excerpts elsewhere (with proper attribution), post the entire zine (verbatim, including this notice) on other boards that don't charge specifically for reading the zine, link my Web page, and so on, but if something from here forms a substantial part of something you make money from, it's only fair that I get a cut of the profits. Silicon Soapware is available via email with or without reader feedback. Details of how to sign up are at the end. ********************* By the time this issue goes out into the world Father's Day will be less than a week away, at least here in the US. So some thoughts on it may be in order. My relationship with my father wasn't all that good. He seemed to believe in the "No News is Good News" style of feedback where you criticize everything someone does badly and don't mention the things they do well. That may be all well and good in the military and in engineering project reviews, but it's not a good style for parenting, at least if you want a close relationship with your children. I coped by keeping as much of my life as possible secret from my parents, on the basis that you can't criticize what you're not aware of. Many years later, when I went back home for his funeral, I was surprised when another relative mentioned how Dad would frequently tell other people how proud he was of me. He had never let me know that. ********************* In addition to being close to Father's Day, it's also Baseball Season. And some newscaster has once again mentioned some player whose achievements may be stricken from the records books (or at least marked with an asterisk) because he took performance-enhancing drugs. It occurs to me that this may be a job for the Time Patrol, once the required technologies are developed. For example, if the offending player has an impressive record as a hitter, this might be adjusted by applying some kind of force rays to the ball during the last portion of its journey from the pitcher's hand to the bat. A difference in height of a fraction of an inch at the instant of contact with the bat can make the difference between a home run and a single or double, or an easily caught fly ball. Likewise, if the offender is a pitcher the same technique can be applied in the opposite direction, giving batters more hits when he's pitching, although this is probably trickier to do than giving a batter fewer hits. For an outfielder the appropriate tactic may be to apply an invisibility shield to the ball for just a fraction of a second at the crucial moment. And so on. The beauty of this scheme is that not even the affected players would know what was really going on. They would just think the drugs weren't working, so they would quit taking them and the problem would go away. ********************* I get junk mail from a number of charities and political action groups. Among the stuff stuffed into the envelope will often be bunches of address labels. And it often says on the outside of the envelope that my "personalized address labels" are enclosed. I guess the word "personalized" in this context means that the labels have my name and address on them, as distinct from something like Occupant 1234 Whatever Street Anytown, USA However, I've never seen them send non-personalized labels, so I really don't know. It also reminds me of a magic trick I saw many years ago. The magician tells a story about someone selling fish, and holds up a paper sign reading FRESH FISH SOLD HERE TODAY. In the story a kibitzer tells the fish-seller that the word "today" at the end is unnecessary because it's obvious that the fish are being sold right then. Since the word isn't needed, the magician tears it off the sign. It's also obvious the fish are being sold right there, so he tears the "here" off. This continues, word by word, until there is no sign left. Then they realize that some sort of sign is needed, whereupon the magician "magically" restores the entire sign. ********************* My junk mail also frequently includes coins or coin-like objects: Often a penny, sometimes two or three, or a nickel, or maybe a small foreign coin or some kind of token or medallion. There have been more of these in recent months than in the past. There are probably a number of reasons for this, based on various psychological theories about people's perceptions of fairness and guilt and such, but I suspect part of it is technology-related: Shredders. Many people throw junk mail away unopened. And nowadays many of those people shred any papers they throw away. But many shredders, especially the lower-cost light-duty models, aren't built to shred coins. So this forces people to at least open the envelope and remove the coins to avoid jamming the shredder. And once they have the envelope open, there is a chance, even if it's small, that some part of the message will catch their eye and they'll end up donating. I have no real proof of this, but that's my guess. ********************* A recent comic strip episode triggered thoughts on Cow Tipping: Most farmers discourage the practice. Cows, they say, have no concept of money and tend to leave it scattered around the barn or pasture, where it is likely to get lost or stolen. Besides, there is nothing on the typical dairy farm for a cow to buy. Room and board are provided, cows don't wear clothes, and they don't drive cars. Also, they don't send their offspring to college or download porn from the Internet. So money is of little use to them, even if they knew what it was, which they apparently don't. And retail customers have no real way of knowing which cow the milk they're drinking came from. It may in theory be possible to trace it back from the code numbers stamped on the milk carton, but for the amounts typically involved (fifteen percent of the wholesale price) it isn't worth it. It's probably best to just assume that any gratuity for the cow is included in the price of the milk. ********************* I recently dreamed that Sunnyvale got written up in one of those "Wacky Laws" columns for requiring that all gun barrels be kept full of mayonnaise. Other nearby towns allowed ketchup or mustard as alternatives. Now I'm wondering what effect this would have when the gun is fired, besides making a mess by spraying mayonnaise around. I would expect it to increase the chamber pressure and decrease the muzzle velocity, but would the magnitude of the effects be significant? And would it affect accuracy? Any firearms experts out there? ********************* That dream about filling gun barrels with mayonnaise or ketchup or whatever leads to thoughts of making a ketchup dispenser that looks like a gun. Pulling the trigger would pump ketchup out from the muzzle. One problem is that such a dispenser won't hold very much ketchup, so the restaurant staff will be constantly refilling the things, or else will leave a number of them on every table so they only have to go around refilling them a couple of times a day. But when you have dozens of fake handguns lying around on restaurant tables some prankster will now and then add a real gun to the pile. They think someone's dinner being blown to bits as other customers dive for cover is funny. And since it's funny, restaurants in Cartoonland have to go along with it. But not all do. An increasing number of people think the misuse of firearms is no laughing matter. And if something isn't funny, you don't have to do it. Thus many restaurants still use the traditional ketchup delivery systems. So if you want to get some insight into how the people who frequent a restaurant in Cartoonland feel about guns, order something that people traditionally put ketchup on and see what kind of container the ketchup comes in. (Perhaps it should also be noted that there are those who think the meta-debate about whether gun play can be funny is itself funny, while others disagree. Still others think that debating about the debate is funny. And so on. But since I'm not in the mood for infinite recursion I will refrain from getting into it right now.) ********************* One could write a time-travel story where someone travels to a future where humanity has run out of things to write about, but then the arrival of the time traveler is itself something new to write about, so they're saved, at least for a while. One could also write a story in which that does not happen. For any given incident, one can write many stories in which that incident does not happen. One can even do stories in which none of a long list of things happen. In fact, writers often do that without realizing it. Take any given set of incidents which have never come to the attention of any given writer, and the chances are that writer has written stories in which none of those incidents happened. What's hard to find is lists of stories indexed by things that don't happen in them. For example, has anyone made a list of stories not involving mad piano tuners? Such stories are out there, but I don't think anyone has cataloged them. So if someone is seeking such a story, what are they to do? Just grab a story at random and hope it does not feature a mad piano tuner? Imagine the suspense at each turning of a page, with no guarantee that there won't be a mad piano tuner lurking a few paragraphs down. That way lies madness, even if you don't have a piano. ********************* If some place prohibits beer, do they put a sign over the entrance, "ABANDON ALL HOPS, YE WHO ENTER HERE"? ********************* A couple of weekends ago I went to a science fiction convention. While there I got a demonstration of an altered state of consciousness, no drugs involved. On Saturday night of the convention I was at a concert by Avalon Rising, a group that does fairly loud rock versions of traditional songs. I was just sort of daydreaming along with the music. Then I noticed that the door to the hallway, which had been sitting open, was closed, but I didn't think much about it. Also someone had set up some kind of flashing psychedelic strobe light. I sort of noticed that the strobe light was mounted on the wall, like it was being provided by the hotel, but at first didn't think that was significant. Then it occurred to me that the flashing light was part of the fire alarm system, and that when the alarm goes off it also closes doors to slow down the spread of whatever fire and smoke there may be. Along about then others started noticing it, and we decided (with no apparent dissent) to evacuate along with everybody else in that part of the hotel. As it turned out, there wasn't any actual fire. The problem was a faulty smoke detector or some such. There was a general sigh of relief that it wasn't someone's idea of a prank, since that might have made us look bad in the eyes of the hotel. ********************* Back on Father's Day: Lost? Child What did you say, son? Why did I cut what? Those flowers? Because they were there. We do need to clear this field before fire season. But you say they weren't a fire hazard like the dry grass So we didn't really have to cut them? Maybe not, but it was easier to go cutting straight through than to stop and think about it. If you really want flowers, you can buy flowers somewhere later. Quit worrying about that kind of stuff. Just forget all about it. Gateways for the Little People? You say if you relax in a field of wildflowers And let your eyes unfocus and your mind go blank You may suddenly hear music and song and laughter, And if you follow your ears and your heart They'll lead you through the flowery gate Into the land of the Little People, Whose cares are different and perhaps more to your taste Than the cares of this world? I'd better not catch you telling that to the neighbors. They'll think there's something strange about you. Quit worrying about that kind of stuff. Just forget all about it. We're almost half done. Let's take a break. Here's a tree we can sit under. Son, do you hear somebody singing off behind me somewhere? Are you going to meet them? What are you laughing about? Where did you disappear to? Son? Son? Answer me! Wherever you are, come back here! I am your father! Please come back and tell me If I really did just hear a faint voice Telling me "Quit worrying about that kind of stuff. Just forget all about it." Thomas G. Digby entered 1215 hr 4/29/92 ********************* HOW TO GET SILICON SOAPWARE EMAILED TO YOU There are two email lists, one that allows reader comments and one that does not. Both are linked from http://www.plergb.com/Mail_Lists/Silicon_Soapware_Zine-Pages.html If you are already receiving Silicon Soapware and want to unsubscribe or otherwise change settings, the relevant URL should be in the footer appended to the end of this section in the copy you received. Or you can use the above URL to navigate to the appropriate subscription form, which will also allow you to cancel your subscription or change your settings. -- END --