I took the call.

Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1997 01:23:09 -0500
From: Matthew Cales (lavender@xxxxxxx.com)

Here's a true "in the butt" story that I had the good fortune to be a part of.  I don't have any documented proof to offer, but I'm sure the they still have the log entries at the RAF Mildenhall Fire Department.
Way back in 1989 I was active duty Air Force working in the alarm room at RAF Mildenhall Fire Dept.  Late one night I got a call from a distressed woman claiming that three "mates" had assaulted her husband.  I rang out the rescue truck to respond to the housing area for a man who had been beat up by three men.  Later, I discovered that the woman meant sexually assaulted.
Upon investigation, the rescue unit found that the man had a carrot stuck inside his butt.  And upon even further investigation, the rescue unit discovered the woman was lying about the three men.  The truth was that the couple had been drinking and decided to fool around with a carrot and it got lost inside the man's rectum.
That's my story.
Matthew Lavender Cales

Date: Sun, 30 Jun 1996 01:00:48 -0700
To: cynsa@well.com
Subject: another good story...
I worked for three years as a an emergency medical technician on the San Francisco Peninsula. My original partner has progressed and is now a licensed paramedic in San Francisco proper. His favorite call story involves being called code-3 to a residence by county communications for a 32 year old male. According to the dispatcher, the patient was complaining of a sudden onset of lower-quadrant abdominal pain. When the team arrived at the residence, they found the man on the toilet wincing with pain and telling them that he had done something "really stupid." On examination, the team found that the man had a frozen fish up his ass. The man had inserted the fish, head-first up his rectum from out of the freezer. After two or three "strokes," as he put it, it thawed out enough that the dorsal fin extended, making removal next to impossible. As professional as medical personnel often are required to be, my friend admitted that they both laughed out loud when they realized the predicament. When the patient looked at them in anguish, my friend could not contain it - "sir," he said: "You really should chew your food a little better!" He said the patient winced and laughed with them. -PK

From despair@xxxxxxxx.xxx Fri Jul 11 15:43:19 1997
Date: Sat, 05 Jul 1997 22:12:57 -0700
From: The Comtesse DeSpair
To: cynsa@well.com
Subject: Case Study

Dearest Sicko,
I am a patron of your Rectal Foreign Bodies Page and I have found it amusing because I have read many similar accounts during my career working as a Medicare processor. I just stumbled upon an old operative report that I thought you might find amusing. I had copied it back in 1992 and thought I had lost it forever before my discovery this evening. I find it very amusing... and I shall quote it verbatim for your entertainment. I've changed the name of the patient for confidentiality reasons. I'm sure you understand...

November 24, 1992

Dear Medicare:

This letter is in response to the operative report of November 5, 1992 that you requested.

Mr. Doe was seen in this office on November 5, 1992 at which time he said that a screwdriver had gone up his rectum. He was examined and found to have some abrasions around the rectal area. A digital examination revealed the slot end of the screwdriver in the rectal antrum. An anus scope was used to identify the screwdriver end of the rectum. The screwdriver was approximately six inches in length with a black plastic handle. The patient stated he was taking a shower, sat down on a chair and the screwdriver entered his rectal area. There was no evidence of any bleeding in the rectal ampulla. The patient was advised to do hot soaks at home and return to the office if necessary.

Mr. Doe was seen again on November 9, 1992 at which time he was symptom-free and had no apparent problems.

Dr. Smith

I think the words, "Yeah, right" sum it up, don't you?

Typhoid Mary

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