Voice: It's a beautiful day, and the FFVII gang is picnicking together. Little do they know, before story's end at least one corrupt executive will be serving time.
Cloud: Who said that? It sounded like a woman. Tifa, where's my mousse?
Tifa: Get your own bloody mousse, you idiot. You're married, remember?
Barret: (looking up from a sandwich) Really, though, who said that?
Voice: Me, of course! (steps out of the shadows)
Aeris: Why, it's.... I don't know who it is!
Voice: My name is Sylph, and I'll be your sadistic Author today.
Red 13: Another Author?
Sephiroth: Has Frank started a cult, or something? Aeris, do you want to run away and join a cult?
Aeris: Do you want to eat Cloud's sword?
Sylph: No, sorry, there's no cult. I just like wreaking havoc with the lives of helpless video game characters.
Cloud: Oh, great. What is it this time?
Sylph: You've heard of Enrongate... Haliburton... Worldcom... Qwest... but you haven't heard anything yet.
Tifa: Explain, please.
Sylph: Squaresoft Corporation created you guys, correct?
Barret: Yeah, punk. This better be good, cause I don't want my lunch interrupted.
Sylph: Well, I have good reason to believe that Squaresoft is defrauding its investors, and you guys have to stop it.
Cloud: (face falls) No monsters to fight?
Sylph: Worse. Rabid accountants with shredders.
Sephiroth: (scratches head) I don't get it. What's this got to do with us?
Sylph: If Squaresoft goes down in flames and becomes as hated as Enron, you guys won't have so many fan sites. In fact, I'd expect to see a fair number of hate sites. And you and I both know that there's no way you want to be a part of those sites' stories.
Cloud: All right, everyone, pack it up, let's go!
Tifa: What's the rush? You afraid that there'll be an investor who writes a story where you cut your hair?
Cloud: Huh! Woman's intuition!
Tifa: I was... joking?
Barret: Anyway, come on, let's go. And someone call Cait.
Aeris: (whistles) Caaaaait!
Cait Sith: (runs out of the forest) Did somebody ring? And look what I found! (holds up a little black planner) It says Squaresoft on it.
Sylph: And there you are. There's your first clue, and from now on you're on your own.
Sephiroth: Okay, let's go. Aeris, would you like me to bring you the head of an executive?
Aeris: No, but I really could admire a man who put himself through a shredder...
Cloud: Really? Is that why I never got anywhere with you! (happy look)
Tifa: (packing up, pours lemonade on Cloud's head) Cool it.
Red: We ready?
Cloud: I think so. Cait, let's see that book. (cait hands it over) Hmm... this is puzzling. I think it's in code. It's all names and numbers.
Tifa: (takes the book) Cloud, you're looking at the phone number section. (flips a few pages) Here's the planner part.
Aeris: Oooh! He's eating lunch at the Weapon's Head Inn today at three! That's my favorite bar and grill!
Sephiroth: Would you like to go there together, my dear?
Aeris: You know, there are a lot of female gamers out there who think you're hot. Unfortunately, I tend to sweat the small stuff (screams) LIKE BEING RUN THROUGH WITH A SWORD!!!
Sephiroth: (flattened) Did someone get the number of that truck...?
Cloud: I say we leave them and go get that exec.
Barret: Sounds like a plan, Sonic.
Cloud: Sonic?
Barret: You know, all that mousse, I thought that was the look you were going for.
Cloud: (sulks)
Barret: Hmmmmph. Can't take a little joke.
Red: Are we going or what? (everyone walks off except Sephy, still KO on the ground)
Fifteen minutes later, at the Weapon's Head Inn
Cait: Does that look like him to you? (points to a man in a suit)
Aeris: Oh, good job, Cait! That has to be him. (everyone surrounds the man in the suit)
Suit: Hello? I'm Arnold Umbersen, may I help you?
Tifa: Do you work for Squaresoft Corporation?
Arnold: I'm an accounting consultant for them, yes. Why?
Barret: (picks Arnold up by the shirt collar) You crooked little--
Arnold: I'm afraid I don't understand.
Barret: You're defrauding their investors. I know. And you better tell me everything you know, right now.
Cloud: I didn't think Barret had such strong feelings about this!
Tifa: I think Aeris made a joke about a story that has him kissing Janet Reno...
Cloud: Aaaah.
Arnold: Okay! Okay! Let me down and I'll tell you!
Barret: All right, punk. (puts him down)
Arnold: Will you come to the office with me?
Cloud: Sure.
One hour later, at Squaresoft Corporation HQ
Barret: All right, now, tell me.
Arnold: (rummaging through his desk) Okay, just let me shr-- I mean, go to the bathroom. (runs off clutching a stack of papers)
Barret: Cloud! Why in the world did you let him go? Why I oughta--
Cloud: Simple. I tethered my chocobo to the shredder, and he's feeling tempermental today.
Chocobo: (from outside in the hall) SQUAAAAAAAAAAAWK!
Cloud: See?
Arnold: (runs back in) Uh... Lovely bathroom they have here! Smells nice! (puts the papers on his chair and sits down) Now, we've only used generally accepted accounting principles here at Squaresoft.
Barret: Bull.
Arnold: No, it's a bear market right now.
Aeris: (winces) That pun hurt worse than being stepped on by a Weapon.
Arnold: Pun?
Barret: Talk, punk. Now.
Arnold: Okay. Here's a complete account of Squaresoft's finances for the last quarter. As you see, by leasing some of their assets to a private organization, they've gained 23%, remarkable with today's economy. (shows the group some papers)
Barret: Let me see THESE papers. (dumps Arnold out of his chair and takes the documents)
Red: That's funny. They seem to have leased those same assets back and counted that money as revenue. Who exactly is this private organization?
Reno: (from outside the door) Ohhhhh Arnold, we've been waiting an hour now, will you let us in?
Arnold: Um, excuse me... (runs out into the hall, whispers are heard)
Barret: That answer your question, Red?
Red: (still looking at documents) Look at this. They're also falsifying reports of a coming merger with Nintendo to inflate their stock prices while certain investors sell their stocks.
Aeris: Certain investors?
Red: Rude, Reno, Scarlet, Hojo, and our very own Sephy. (sephy crashes through the window holding an M-16)
Sephiroth: I'm holding you all hostage!
Arnold: (walks in with Hojo, Reno, Rude, and Scarlet) Mr. Smith! What are you doing here?
Sephiroth: You cheated me. Put your hands in the air, everyone. (everyone obeys, including Red, who stands on his back legs)
Arnold: What did I do?
Sephiroth: You promised me a sequel where I get together with Aeris would be published by today.
Arnold: That wasn't in the contra-- I mean, I don't know what you're talking about and I don't know who you are!
Rude: Smooth, Arnold.
Hojo: (looks at his fifth arm) I'm turning purple.
Cloud: Sephiroth! We were about to catch him redhanded with his hands in investors' pockets, and you're distracting us!
Aeris: Yeah! We've just exposed major white collar/ blue suit crime (looks at Shinra) and you ruin it!
Arnold: (grinning) Sorry to spoil both your fun, but you're not doing anything. (everyone but Arnold freezes, Sylph appears looking miffed and holding a subpoena)
Sylph: What is it, Mr. Umberson? (grumbles)
Arnold: You think us chea-- I mean looking out for our investors' best interests is crime? We have plenty on you, too. But we can make a deal.
Sylph: This isn't in the script!
Arnold: I shredded that yesterday and wrote out a new one which I believed would be equitable to both sides. I had everyone's best interests at heart, believe me.
Sylph: But I promised my readers that before the story ends, you'd be in jail!
Arnold: Sorry, Sylph. What's in a promise, anyway?
Sylph: So what do you have on me? I haven't done anything wrong.
Arnold: Au contraire. First of all, I'm suing you for copyright infringement. These characters are all registered trademarks of Squaresoft Corporation. Second of all, I'm suing you for libel. My reputation has been damaged by your insinuations that I'm a corrupt accountant. I expect to see you in court in two weeks.
Sylph: But-- (stares at Arnold)
Arnold: Huh? What's that? (points at the window Sephy crashed through earlier)
Sylph: (looks at a shape approaching rapidly outside the window) It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's Alan Greenspan! (Alan Greenspan crashes through the already-broken window)
Greenspan: Hello, Arnold. So, we meet again. You're ruining all my careful work to restore the economy.
Arnold: (ulp) No, sir, I'd never do that!
Sylph: Mr. Greenspan! Look at the papers on the ground! There's ample evidence there!
Greenspan: Thankyou, ma'am. (as he bends over to pick up the papers, a loud bang is heard and a gust of wind rips through the room)
Sylph: What???! (she turns around to see a giant dragon rubbing its nose outside the window)
Dragon: Aaaah.... excuse me. My sinuses, don't you know? Oh, kleenex! (Dragon picks up the papers and wipes its snout on them)
Sylph: That isn't fair! Where'd the dragon come from? (the dragon ambles away)
Arnold: Dick Cheney wrote it in. We're old buddies.
Greenspan: So you asked him to do that for you?
Arnold: That's right. He does anything I ask of him. He even changed laws for me. (Arnold rambles on for several minutes about laws Cheney has changed as favors to him)
Greenspan: That's terrible! (Greenspan is knocked down and pinned to the ground by a falling stock market)
Sylph: Huh? That gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "the economy is dropping!"
Arnold: Now, as to our lawsuit... (suddenly, George Bush crashes through the window)
Bush: Ah'm here! No worryin' cause ah can handle evr'thing. Ah have a warrant for his ah-rest right here.
Greenspan: (still pinned by the fallen market) President Bush! You're supposed to be in DC!
Bush: To thah cawn-trairy. Ah'm takin' a workin' vay-cay-shun.
Arnold: What an honor! Mr. President, will you have a pretzel? (offers Bush a bowl of pretzels)
Bush: Why, haw nice of yeh! (takes a pretzel)
Greenspan: That was suspiciously nice of you, Arnold. What's the deal?
Bush: Aaahh gack khah bleah! (falls to the floor writhing in agony, coughing horribly)
Sylph: He choked on the pretzel! Quick, heimlich manuever! (Bush drops dead) Too late. Ordinarily, it'd be no great loss, but now what do we do? (Ja Rule flies through the window)
Greenspan: Why, it's P. Diddy!
Ja Rule: R-U-L-E is the name, Mister Greenspan.
Arnold: What's Ja Rule have to do with this?
Sylph: (going ga-ga) It's Ja Rule!
Greenspan: (to Sylph, scoldingly) Ma'am. This isn't the time.
Ja Rule: Murder Inc. invested in Squaresoft, and we just heard you took our money. My Cadillac ain't quite paid off and I need that cash.
Arnold: Ja, you and I got a special bond together! We go back like--
Ja Rule: I'm flattered you listen to my music, but I've never met you. Now pay up.
Arnold: Not so fast! (presses a button on his desk, Ja Rule falls through a trapdoor into a snake-infested pit)
Ja Rule: Aaaaaaah!
Arnold: Baby, say yeah. In the hood may the name live on, A-R-N--
Sylph: That's the last time I listen to Ja Rule... you've ruined it for me forever, I hope you're happy.
Arnold: Very.
Sylph: (looks down at Ja Rule in the snake infested pit) My love, they gotta take us in blood... toss me that nine millimeter.
Ja Rule: Thug on. (tosses Sylph the gun)
Sylph: (points it at Arnold) All right, hands up.
Arnold: Not a chance. Look behind you. (Sylph looks, and Arnold jumps on her and takes the gun)
Sylph: That was a cheap shot!
Greenspan: What now?
Sylph: We make a lot of mistakes in life, the same mistakes keep callin' us back, pulling us in, but I think that was the stupidest thing I've ever done. Never again.
Greenspan: Yeah never again, that was Ja's only gun.
Arnold: Mwahaha...
Sylph: What's that sound? (a buzzing noise slowly increases in volume until, with a deafening roar, fifteen people fly through the window into the room)
Greenspan: Who are they?
Arnold: Newspaper columnists and cartoonists! (pales)
Sylph: Yeah! I recognize some of them. Mike Rosen! William Safire! Quick, catch! (holds up a recorder) I had this on the whole time! Someone get this, and we have enough to put him in jail for life! (throws it)
Columnist #7: (catches it) Thanks!
Arnold: Noooo... (surrounded by newspaper columnists and cartoonists writing and drawing furiously)
Sylph: (snaps fingers, everyone unfreezes) And the moral of the story is, no politician, pop culture icon, or even crooked businessman can expect to create what would be a sensational story and escape the claws of hungy journalists.
Bane: You and your stupid rappers... and I didn't even get my money back.
Sylph: What?
Bane: (shrugs) Arnold owes me money... and I intend to collect. (pulls
out sword)
FIN
Note: No actual bureaucrats, rappers, video game characters, politicians, or corrupt businessmen were harmed in the making of this story. Too bad.
Bane: Exspecially Bush. I mean, the guy's an idiot! (stupid voice) Let's all cut taxes on the richest 1% of Americans and bomb random countries, huh-huh, that'll help everyone else out so much, huh-huh... (normal voice) And if you're dumb enough to think that this means Sylph and I support terrorists because we don't like Bush, then you should be exterminated and given a Darwin award. Killing innocent people is evil no matter who you are or where you're from.