DISCLAIMER:  Contents copyright (c) 2002 WS Mendler. 
 All reports from "Plausible News Service" should be taken with copious 
 amounts of sodium chloride, or maybe potassium chloride if you're 
 trying to control your sodium intake. We accept no responsibility for 
 any consequences that may follow from these stories being taken at face
 value.





ASHCROFT SEEKS TO UTILIZE "DIVINE INTELLIGENCE"
 FBI to Focus on "Faith-Based Investigations"

 WASHINGTON (Plausible News Service) -- Attorney General John 
 Ashcroft has quietly begun an initiative within the Justice 
 Department to utilize the omniscience of God Himself in the war 
 against terrorism.

 "If there's anybody who knows when the next attack will occur, 
 it's the Lord," said a Justice Department official speaking on 
 deep background.  "And the only reason that He didn't tell us 
 about the last one is simple -- we didn't ask Him."

 Ashcroft plans to spend a period of forty days and forty nights 
 this summer fasting and praying at an undisclosed location 
 somewhere in Utah.  With him will be a number of hand-picked 
 agents -- "prophets in training," said our source -- who will 
 be petitioning the Lord for "words of knowledge" about terrorist 
 activities.

 "It's clearly the right thing to do," said a spokesperson for 
 the Rev. Pat Robertson, whose "700 Club" broadcasts frequently 
 feature segments where the hosts enter a state of prayer and 
 ask for healing to be sent to specific people in the viewing 
 audience.  (For instance, in a recent broadcast, Robertson said, 
 "There's a man in Raleigh, NC suffering from intestinal 
 blockage -- that blockage is now healed by the power of the 
 Lord.")

 "In fact," said the Justice Department official, "we may be 
 able to use intercessory prayer to either bring about a change 
 of heart in would-be terrorists, or to cause circumstances to 
 prevent their plans coming to fruition."

 In a related development, the Federal Bureau of Investigation
 is to be renamed the "Faith-Based Investigations Agency."  In 
 the newly retitled agency, so-called "prophet-agents" in the 
 field will be invested with authority to investigate "wherever 
 the Spirit leads them."

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HELMS APOLOGIZES FOR ENTIRE CAREER
 Asks Citizens of America, World for Forgiveness

 RALEIGH, NC (Plausible News Service) -- Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC),
 now nearing retirement, has been looking back over his career -- 
 and he doesn't like much of what he sees.

 "I don't know what I was thinking," the aging Senator said 
 during an emotionally-charged news conference.  "Well, no, 
 that's not true, really. I do know what I was thinking -- I was 
 thinking that we had to fight the Communists and defeat them at 
 any cost, no matter what.  And I let my visceral, reflexive 
 hatred of anything that looked even remotely socialistic blind
 me to some pretty blatant evil that was being committed with my
 tacit blessing."

 Helms, who recently expressed regret over his long-standing 
 neglect of the global AIDS crisis, cited a number of specific 
 examples, such as his support of dictatorial and repressive 
 Latin American regimes from Chile to Guatemala.  With tears in 
 his eyes, he apologized to the families of four Roman Catholic
 nuns who had been raped and murdered in El Salvador.  "I see 
 now," he said, "that those women were following the Lord's 
 command to help those less fortunate, and they did not deserve 
 the treatment they received, either in life or in death."

 He also apologized for his unquestioning defense of the tobacco
 industry.  "Those tobacco farmers down in North Carolina, those 
 poor suckers," he said, "were played for such fools by the 
 corporate folks in Richmond, Durham, Winston-Salem... just like 
 the rest of America was.  And they kept telling me that it was 
 all under control, that the anti-smoking people were closet
 socialists out to dismantle the American way of life, and I 
 bought it hook line and sinker.  I should have known better."

 Sources close to Helms credit his conversion -- "That's the 
 only word for it," said one long-time associate -- to his recent
 interactions with rock star Bono of U2.  But Bono demurs. "No, I 
 can't take the credit," said the singer, when questioned about 
 his effect on the Senator.  "Someone else is at work when you 
 see a change of heart like this, know what I mean?  And don't 
 get me wrong, he hasn't abandoned everything he's stood for, I'm 
 sure he still doesn't like the idea of higher taxes, but he has 
 finally begun to realize what effects his activities over the 
 years have had around the world."

 "It's astonishing," said former Senator Carol Mosely-Braun, with 
 whom Helms butted heads repeatedly during her term in the Senate.  
 "He called me up out of the blue the other night, said he wanted 
 to apologize for any pain he might have caused me, and we must 
 have talked for four hours.  It was a very intense, very 
 spiritual conversation -- I think he's going through some kind 
 of twelve-step process.  I told him I forgave him, we were both 
 crying... I hope he's beginning to find some peace in his heart, 
 and I'm praying for him every day."

 Sen. Phil Gramm (R-TX), also nearing the end of his time in the 
 Senate, was less sympathetic.  "Oh, hell, ol' Jesse's gone plumb 
 off his rocker," said the combative Texan.  "You'll see me 
 riding a rocking horse in hell before I'll apologize for 
 anything I did in defense of this great country, and the free-
 market system that made it that way.  I'm gonna have to take 
 Jesse back of the smokehouse on my ranch and turn him over my 
 knee if he doesn't stop this whiny namby-pamby stuff.  For 
 Chrissakes, Jesse, sober up!"

 But Helms is apparently undeterred by his former ally's scorn.  
 He has apologized to the people of the Netherlands for 
 threatening to invade their country if any American personnel 
 were brought before the International Criminal Court, which he 
 now supports.  "What kind of hypocrite was I, pushing for 
 stronger enforcement of law and order here while refusing to
 accept the rule of law over our own country?"

 At his recent press conference discussing his new attitudes, 
 Helms concluded with a long, somewhat rambling litany of issues 
 where he felt he had erred, and finished with a heartfelt plea 
 for forgiveness.  "And I'm sorry, there still is a lot of trash 
 in the culture, but I was just way out of bounds with the way I 
 went after the NEA, I saw a good issue and I milked it for all 
 it was worth.  I always did that, whenever I could -- race, 
 culture, economics, didn't matter, if I could make people feel 
 fear or anger I did it, and then I used it to add to my power.
 And the way I manipulated the Senate, man, I was cruel sometimes, 
 downright vicious when it got right down to it... and what I did 
 to campaigns in this country! I'm as responsible as anyone for 
 the tide of negativism that swamps the process now, thanks to my 
 Congressional Club, and I don't know how many citizens have just 
 tuned out as a result.  I just hope that the people of this 
 country and the world can find in it their hearts to be more
 forgiving of me than I was of them.  I know I have to face my 
 Maker soon, and I think I can, because I know the Lord looks with 
 favor on a contrite heart -- I can only praise Him for his mercy. 
 Thank you, and may God show you His mercy as well."
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 BUSH TO AMERICANS: "GET AFFAIRS IN ORDER"
 Suggests Americans Be Ready to Die "at the Drop of a Hat"

 WASHINGTON (Plausible News Service): George Bush, responding
 both to intelligence reports of possible future terrorist 
 attacks and to the rapidly deteriorating international 
 situation since his watch began, today advised Americans to 
 "get their affairs in order" and make sure that they are 
 "right with their God."
 
 Bush's remarks came during an informal audience with a group 
 of Christian insurance salespeople who were touring the White
 House. "Heck, folks," he said, "the way things are going, we 
 could lose a city or two before this is all over, and I think
 the American people are grown up enough to accept that reality.
 People really have to be prepared to die at the drop of a hat,
 y'know?  I mean, you could drop dead at any moment anyway, 
 what with heart disease and this and that, but until we win 
 this war on terror, and we will win this war on terror, things 
 are going to get, well, a little more dicey."

 Bush recommended that Americans check their wills and other
 documentation.  "Better get those arrangements made, better 
 make sure your loved ones know what to do."  He also 
 recommended that copies be kept in geographically disparate 
 locations. "Hey, if your city gets blown up, your lawyer's 
 gonna go, your insurance guy is gonna go, we're gonna lose a 
 lot of records,"  Bush said, suggesting that citizens send 
 copies to relatives in other cities, or take out safe-deposit
 boxes in areas with lower attack risks, such as Montana.

 Bush also suggested that Americans should be "praying their 
 backsides off" to insure their good standing with God.  "Well,
 heck, that's the best insurance, ain't it?" said Bush.  "You 
 get right with God -- I mean, all Americans should be working 
 on getting right with their God -- whatever, you know, Jews 
 pray, Muslims pray, I guess, heck, they say even atheists pray
 in foxholes, and there'll be foxholes aplenty, you know."

 At this point, Bush's aides abruptly ended the audience,
 citing a busy schedule, and hustled him down the hall.  The 
 Christian insurance group immediately dropped to their knees
 and prayed for the future of the country.

 [back to top]



SMALL TOWN BRINGS NEW MEANING TO "HOUSE ARREST"
 Alternative to New Jail Seen as "Win-Win" for Prisoners,
 Seniors, County Officials

 HORSEDALE, PA (Plausible News Service) -- Horsedale is a small 
 town in rural Pennsylvania. Surrounded by dairy farms and 
 summer camps, the county seat of Bertram County sits nestled 
 in a narrow river valley, without a whole lot of room for 
 expansion.  So when it became apparent back in the mid-90's 
 that the county needed a new prison, city planners and county 
 officials realized that they had a problem on their hands.  
 They couldn't add the needed bed space in the same location, 
 and everywhere they turned for a new location, local opposition 
 cropped up.

 The old jail sits in back of the county courthouse, right off 
 Market Square.  But county population growth and the slowly 
 deteriorating local economy had both increased the crime rate 
 and depressed the tax base, making a new jail necessary but 
 also increasing the pressure on older property owners, who 
 responded with a bit of a tax revolt in recent years.

 So, six years ago, Professor William Hackenwhut of Horsedale 
 Community College made a novel suggestion.  The plan was 
 discussed at length within the community, was finally approved 
 in early 1997 and put into place a year and a half later.  

 Under Hackenwhut's proposal, no new jail was built -- instead, 
 jail cells were installed in the basements and attics of 50 
 houses in the county, houses owned by senior citizens on fixed 
 incomes who were finding themselves increasingly unable to 
 handle the property tax burden. The cells are populated by 
 nonviolent offenders, mostly DUI cases,  once-rowdy teens, and  
 first-time drug arrestees.

 And by all reports, it's been a smashing success.

 Emily Schadenfruede is a retired schoolteacher, aged 76, and a 
 beloved member of the community.  Nearly thirty county inmates 
 have spent some time in the single cell in her basement over 
 the last four years.  Right now, her "house guest," as she 
 refers to him, is 20-year-old "Scotty" (not his real name), who 
 is serving a six-month sentence for vandalism and disorderly 
 conduct.  "He's not a bad boy," says Emily, "but he has gotten 
 in with the wrong crowd, and he just needs to rethink what he's 
 doing with his life."  So she spends time talking with him, 
 reads the Bible with him, and occasionally brings down a plate
 of cookies.  "She's like a grandma that I never had," says the 
 young man. "My real grandma, on my dad's side, she's with some 
 biker gang in Nevada, I never got to know her really, except 
 one time when she came by and got drunk and trashed our 
 trailer."

 Scotty's cell is standard-sized and decorated, if one can use
 the word, in much the same institutional style that 
 characterizes the cells in the county jails.  It has its own 
 toilet, sink, and shower stall, all provided by the county, and
 a small TV/radio/tape player.  Emily can't release Scotty from 
 his cell, even if she wants to; a prison guard has to be present 
 whenever Scotty is brought out to go out on a work detail, meet 
 with an attorney or social worker, or go to court.  (If there 
 were a fire in the house, or other emergency, a signal from the 
 central observation post -- where officials monitor Scotty via 
 remote wireless cameras -- could open the door, and Scotty's 
 ankle bracelet would broadcast his position.)  But she did put 
 some curtains on the window, and frequently brings in flowers 
 from her garden.

 In return for leasing part of her basement to the county, 
 Emily gets an almost complete rebate on her property tax, plus  
 reimbursement for any expenses related to the maintenance of
 the cell or the care of its residents.  The Scotties who pass
 through get a physically comfortable place to stay (relatively
 speaking, at least), a decent diet (including the occasional
 cookies) and a combination of grandmotherly pampering and 
 teacherly rectitude from their elderly host.  The county gets
 some breathing room, and prison officials say they get a lower 
 rate of recidivism.  Surprisingly, the presence of a jail cell 
 in the basement hasn't affected the marketability of homes once
 their elderly owners have passed on or left; realtors report 
 that home buyers appreciate the tax break.

 "It's a great deal," says Werner Herzegovina, one of the county 
 commissioners.  "We should have thought of it sooner."  
 According to Professor Hackenwhut, several counties around the 
 state and nation have expressed an interest in setting up similar 
 programs.

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NORTHERNER SAYS CONFEDERACY WON
Prepares Secession Movement

 GETTYSBURG (Plausible News Service):  It's a well-known fact 
 that for some folks south of the Mason-Dixon Line, what 
 happened at Appomattox was not a surrender but just a temporary 
 truce.  But there's at least one Northerner who shares that 
 view -- with an added twist: not only does he think the 
 Confederacy kept fighting, he says they've won.

 Atticus Crisp looks out over the monument-strewn grounds of the 
 Gettysburg Battlefield and wipes at his eyes.  "We beat 'em 
 fair and square, on the field of honor," he says, "and then we 
 forgave, and forgot.  'Malice towards none, charity towards 
 all,' and all that.  But they didn't forget, and they didn't 
 forgive, and now the rebel bastards have taken over the whole 
 damn country."

 The 52-year-old auto mechanic, Civil War buff, and sometime 
 township supervisor said he realized what had happened after 
 the Supreme Court gave the 2000 Presidential election to George 
 W. Bush.  "I should've seen it sooner, when all those Texans 
 took over Congress," he said, referring to the rise to power of 
 such Texas politicians as Tom DeLay and Dick Armey.  But then 
 George W. Bush moved into the White House, "and rather than 
 setting up a government for all the people, he started to 
 implement the old Confederate program, plus."

 He's no conspiracist, though -- he says the Confederates did 
 what they had to do, and did it right out in the open.  
 "They've been fighting for what they see as their God-given 
 heritage of dominance and control," he said.  "They did it 
 systematically, step-by-step, and you have to give 'em credit 
 for that."

 Crisp won't go into the details of what he calls "the old 
 Confederate program, plus"; he just says things like, "Instead 
 of slaves, they'll have convicts" -- suggesting that citizens 
 do their own research.  "I'm putting together a manifesto, a 
 declaration," he said.  "It'll all be in there."  He's more 
 interested in what comes next, namely the pulling away of the
 Northern states from the control of "the Houston-Washington 
 axis."

 Crisp sees a day when "we'll have two countries, maybe three, 
 living peacefully side-by-side within internationally
 recognized  borders."  He sees the Northeastern states joining
 with the Great Lakes states -- "from Maine to Minnesota," he
 says, "except for New Hampshire, of course, they'll want their 
 own republic."

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RUBBER NOSES TO BE BANNED
Said to Pose Threat to Biometric Security Systems

 WASHINGTON (Plausible News Service):  Citing the need for 
 increased surveillance of public places to insure security,
 Vice-President Dick Cheney and Homeland Security Director Tom 
 Ridge today announced that legislation will be introduced in 
 the next session of Congress to ban all "facial prosthetics" 
 that could alter a person's appearance, and thus be used to
 fool biometric security systems.  This will include false 
 beards and mustaches, cheeks, chins, and noses -- and the 
 regulations will also cover the rubber noses utilized by 
 clowns.

 "This is outrageous!" said an indignant Slappy the Happy Clown,
 informed of the new proposal as he prepared to perform at a 
 suburban mall.  "I would think that the software could be set 
 to recognize clown faces -- I mean, we have to register our 
 face designs, for crying out loud, they could just link into
 that database.  And if I catch any terrorists sporting red
 noses, they're gonna have to answer to me, buddy, let me tell 
 you!"

 Reportedly, an exemption will be placed in the legislation to
 cover hairpieces and toupees.
 
 [back to top]



NEW NATIONAL LOTTERY TO FUND WAR ON TERROR

 WASHINGTON (Plausible News Service):  Congressional conferees, 
 who have been debating for the past few days how to fund the 
 long-term needs of the worldwide counterterrorism campaign, 
 have announced the institution of a series of new nationwide 
 lottery games to fund the effort.
 
 "Our forebears had War Bonds, and we'll have games like 
 'Scratch-A-SCUD' and 'Bombs Away!'" said one of the conferees,
 speaking on deep background.  The marketing effort will include
 celebrities barnstorming the country.

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MILITARY TO USE SONY ROBOPET TECHNOLOGY

 WASHINGTON (Plausible News Service): Sony Corporation, 
 manufacturer of the Aibo line of artificial pets, has 
 announced that it has been awarded a $5 billion contract from 
 the Department of Defense to perfect a "robo-mule" for use in 
 the ongoing Afghan War.  Said a DoD spokesperson, "We believe
 that the Automated Supply System will help the various 
 isolated units presently held down in the Hindu Kush get 
 resupplied without further risk to flesh-and-bone troops."

 [back to top]



CLOTHESLINE POSE HEALTH THREAT: CPSC
 Cheney Orders Removal of "Solar-Powered Drying Equipment"

 WASHINGTON (Plausible News Service): The Consumer Product 
 Safety Commission has issued an alert for several states, 
 warning consumers not to use "solar-powered clothes drying 
 equipment" -- otherwise known as clotheslines. 

 "We have had more than a handful of reports of insects settling
 on clothes while they were drying on the line, and then being 
 brought into the house" said a CPSC spokesperson. "They settle 
 into the warm, fresh-smelling fabric, sometimes by the dozens. 
 The possibility that such insects may be the carriers of insect-
 borne diseases, from West Nile virus to Lyme disease to 
 God-knows-what, suggests that this method of clothes-drying is 
 inherently risky to human health, and its use should be sharply 
 curtailed if not eliminated totally." 

 Vice-President Cheney quickly released a statement supporting 
 the CPSC report, and hailed its timely release. "We have 
 immediately ordered the removal of all clotheslines from the 
 Vice-Presidential residence, the White House, all military 
 bases, and all diplomatic installations around the world," said
 Cheney. "All laundered items will now be machine-dried, at the
 highest possible temperature."  New advances in fabric 
 technology, said the Vice-President, mean that concerns about 
 shrinkage should not be as important as in the past. "The kids 
 buy things baggy these days, anyway," he said. 

 A spokesperson for Bellows Industries Worldwide International, 
 which manufactures the heating elements used in many clothes
 dryers, was enthusiastic. "We've been making the point with 
 Congress for some time now about the health risks of external 
 solar drying," said T. B. Bellows IV, Vice-President for Social
 Engineering. "We are very gratified to see that our strong 
 concern for the health of Americans has finally met with some
 response." BIWI is the world's largest manufacturer of hot-air
 hand dryers, blast furnaces, car cigarette lighters, and flame
 throwers. 

 [back to top]



EMERGENCY MEDICINE CABINETS TO BE INSTALLED
 IN ALL HOUSEHOLDS
Will Hold Antibiotics, Anti-Anxiety Drugs

 
 WASHINGTON (Plausible News Service) -- The Department of Health
 and Human Services, in conjunction with the Office of Homeland 
 Security, is stepping up the "Kitchen Cabinet" program which 
 is in the process of installing emergency medicine cabinets in 
 every domicile in America.
 
 The cabinets are stocked with an array of antibiotics and 
 vaccines meant to respond to a bioterror attack, but are kept 
 locked until a special remote signal is sent to the cabinet by 
 OHS.  The cabinets are restocked on a regular basis by OHS and 
 HHS personnel, in cooperation with local emergency officials.

 The cabinets also hold anxiolytics, antidepressives, and other 
 psychoactive substances, according to reports, and this has led 
 some early recipients to try to open the cabinets without the
 authorization signal having been sent.  Such attempts, however,
 trigger an automatic alarm message to local authorities.  So
 far, there have been seventeen arrests nationwide.  The penalty
 for unauthorized entry into one of the cabinets is at least 20
 years imprisonment and a $50,000 fine.

 Complaints by civil liberties groups have been largely ignored.

 [back to top]



SANTA BLOCKED FROM RAMALLAH

 JERUSALEM (Plausible News Service):  The normally unstoppable 
 Santa Claus was forcibly restrained by Israeli warplanes from 
 delivering Christmas presents to Yassir Arafat's headquarters 
 in Ramallah.

 "I had a new keffiyah and a couple of books on stress 
 management to deliver," said Santa, contacted by satellite 
 phone as he headed over the Mediterranean towards Europe.  
 "But let's just say that the Israelis made it clear to me that
 they think he hasn't been good enough this year."

 Apparently, Santa was able to successfully make a delivery to 
 the Israeli Prime Minister, though he wouldn't confirm what 
 it was.  A spokesman for Ariel Sharon was quoted as 
 characterizing the shipment as "a welcome delivery of fuel for
 the Prime Minister's furnace."

 [back to top]




HINDU KUSH DECLARED PERMANENT WAR ZONE
Mercenaries Flock to Unregulated Battlefield

 KABUL (Plausible News Service):  The United Nations today 
 announced the establishment of the Hindu Kush Permanent War 
 Zone.  The War Zone, which one analyst referred to as "a huge 
 paintball park, but with real corpses," covers several hundred
 square miles of forbidding mountainous terrain still 
 honeycombed with Taliban-constructed tunnels and warrens.  
 Countries or groups who wish to settle disputes would send
 soldiers to this area to "duke it out," as one UN staffer put 
 it.  It is also expected that mercenaries from around the 
 world will relocate to the War Zone to ply their trade.

 "We have to realize, and accept," said Secretary General Kofi 
 Annan during the opening ceremony, "that some parts of humanity
 are not willing to even try to live in peace with their 
 neighbors, for reasons of deeply held religious beliefs, or for
 other reasons that we cannot even begin to fathom.  The tragedy
 of our times is, not so much that we have been unable to bring 
 such people into the fold of the peaceful, but that so many 
 innocents have been caught in their crossfire.  Let those 
 people, therefore, who feel they must resort to violence to 
 solve their problems come here, to these barren, challenging 
 highlands, and test their mettle.  Let them have at one 
 another, uninterrupted, unfettered by such mundane concerns as 
 decency, tolerance, and compassion, and may the best man win."

 "Hey, this is great, man," said "Gerry," a heavily-armed 
 mercenary who did not want his last name used, who said he had 
 witnessed the Sept. 11 attacks in Manhattan.  "There are still 
 some al-Qaida folks in there, I hear. I won't rest until I'm 
 using their beards for dental floss!"
 
 Once participants enter the War Zone, they are on their own, 
 although some humanitarian organizations insist that they will 
 send in medic teams to scour the countryside for casualties.  
 Several TV networks, including Rupert Murdoch's Sky News, have 
 created a consortium for presenting War Zone activity to the 
 world, both in serious news programming and in a spate of new
 reality shows. 

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MISCELLANEOUS PLAUSIBILITIES

 [back to top]


DISCLAIMER:  Contents copyright (c) 2002 WS Mendler. 
 All reports from "Plausible News Service" should be taken with copious 
 amounts of sodium chloride, or maybe potassium chloride if you're 
 trying to control your sodium intake. We accept no responsibility for 
 any consequences that may follow from these stories being taken at face
 value.



[back to smendler home page]