Roast Chicken

by (pbs)

 This is a great ridiculously easy recipe. It takes almost an hour and
 a half to roast a five pound chicken, but you only "work" for about
 seven minutes if you are slow.

 Get yer basic 4.7889 pound roasting chicken. I've been buying mine at
 Trader Joe's lately, but Safeway's will work fine too.

 Preheat the damn oven to 400 degrees. That's right FOUR HUNDRED

 Remove it from the package. Remove the giblets and the blobs of fat
 from the flaps at the rear end of the chicken. Wash the chicken under
 running water INSIDE and out. All the recipe's I've seen say dry out
 the chicken with paper towels, but I'm lazy and I don't and I haven't
 noticed any big difference.

 Get some seasoned salt. I like the Tony Fancher's or however he spells
 it Cajun or Creole seasoning. I'm trying the seasoning that Costco had
 in a quart jar. I got some stuff at Smart and Final that I haven't
 tried yet. I've noticed that the big jars of the seasoned salt is
 priced pretty much like salt. The little jars cost a bunch.

 Sprinkle about a teaspoon or two of this stuff inside the bird's
 cavity. Sprinkle a teaspoon or so all over the outside.

 After you've done this recipe a couple of times, you'll want a
 roasting rack that is shaped like a "V." Maybe you should buy one right
 after you read this, 'cause this is the best roast chicken recipe you
 are gonna find.

 Now it is time to be creative. Look around your kitchen. Gotta ornge?
 Gotta lemon? Gotta onion? Gotta apple? Gotta bunch of scallions? Gotta
 head of garlic? Surely you've got one of these. Choose one. Cut it in
 half. If it is a bunch of scallions, tie them in a knot. if it is the
 head of garlic, cut it in half through the cloves. Put what ever you've
 got inside the chicken cavity.

 Get your roasting pan with a rack. Told ya you should have gotten the
 "V" rack. They work better. Put the chicken on the rack with the right
 OR left side up, depending on your political affiliations. Put the
 roasting pan and chicken into the PREHEATED 400 degree oven. You did
 remember to pre heat the oven when you started, didn't you?

 Now for the hardest part. Set a timer for 23.587 minutes. If your
 chicken is closer to five pounds, try 25 minutes. Closer to four
 pounds, try 20 minutes. Shut the door. Pour a drink, watch TV, read the
 mail, day dream about what you are going to eat with the chicken.

 *Ding* Your timer just rang. Get a pot holder or a towel and a long
 fork. Pull the roasting pan out of the oven. Turn the chicken over so
 the other side is up. Prick the bird under the legs to let the juices
 (fat) run out. If you've got some chicken stock, put a cup or two in
 the broiling pan. I don't care what you say, a 400 degree oven is hot.
 If you put chicken stock in now, you'll have liquid juices from which
 to make gravey. If you don't put in the chicken stock, you'll have a
 very crispy sludge on the bottom of the pan.

 Another hard part. Put the chicken back in the oven and set the timer
 for what ever time you decided was appropriate for the first time. Have
 another drink. If you are thinking of something other than rice and
 frozen veges to go with the chicken, now is the time to get your dead
 ass out of the chair and do something about it. If rice and frozen
 veges are on the menu, pour yourself another drink and wait for the
 bell to ring again.

 *ding* That damn bell, just as you were nodding off, too. Find your
 long fork and pot holder and get the chicken out of the oven. Turn it
 so it is breast up. If there's still a reasonable amount of liquid in
 the bottom of the roasting pan, don't add more chicken stock. If there
 isn't much liquid left, you know what to do. Prick the bird under the
 other set of legs to let the juices out.

 Put the bird back in the oven, set the timer. Make your rice.

 (One cup of Basmati rice, two cups of water. If the rice comes from
 some furrin country, you are going to have to rinse it before  you cook
 it in four or five changes of water. If the rice comes from the
 USofHey, we don't use talc to keep our rice from sticking to itself
 while waiting to be cooked, so you won't have to rinse it. Boil the
 rice and water mixture. As soon as it boils, turn the burner down to
 simmer and cover the pot. Set another timer for 18 minutes or, if it
 took you long enough ti prep the rice, you can use the chicken's timer.
 Don't peek, damn it.)

 Do what ever you are going to do with the vegetables.

 *Ding* the chicken is almost done. Take it out of the oven. Isn't it
 beautiful? Doesn't it smell good? Damn straight. A whole lot better
 than any damn deli chicken and it isn't over cooked or triple injected
 with addictive deli fat greases.

 No cheating. Let the chicken "rest" for two minutes. If you are going
 to make gravey, get out the Wondra flour and have at it.

 Now whack the chicken apart with a really sharp knife. Dish up the
 rice and the vegetables. Get the bag salad and the white wine out of
 the 'fridge.

 Enjoy the best damn roast chicken. If you are lucky and made it with
 garlic, the garlic will be roasted enough to squeeze into your mouth
 between bites of the best chicken you ever tasted. If you used an
 onion, you can supplement the vegetable with some roasted onion.

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