This is from a little book called "The Optimist Sees the Bagel, the Pessimist sees the Hole. -- Life's Little Jewish Instruction Book, by Leonard Sorcher - The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole. - If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. - It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job. - If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. - Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour? - WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave. - Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah. - Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur. - There's nothing like a good belch. - Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia. - Never pay retail. - Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre. - No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover. - The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. - And what's so wrong with dry turkey? - If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too. - Always leave a little room for the Viennese table. - Always whisper the names of diseases. - One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. - If you don't eat, it will kill me - Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. - The most important word to know in any language is sale. - Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon. - Never take a front-row seat at a bris. - Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste. - Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise? - Never leave a restaurant empty-handed. - Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach. - The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the street parking is suspended. - You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle. - A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight. - A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. - Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? - Before you read the menu, read the prices. - There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45. - According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. - Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish. - If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear. - No meal is complete without leftovers. - What business is a yenta in? Yours. - If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid. - The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall. - Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon. - Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.