Notes of Personal Disclosure

Saturday November 11, 1995

Dear Friends,

A lot has been going on for me these past several days (what else is new). Waking up this morning, I had certain realizations that I knew I had to write about. I began writing in my journal, then began crafting my words in a more publically expressive way to meet thoughts, feelings and intuitions as they surfaced for me. Here is what I came up with.

My Dream:

I'm at the state hospital where I used to work as an aide. This time I am working in some sort of professional capacity with my own office that is somewhere outside the main building. I see my friend the hospital chaplain, into UFO's and the non-ordinary. Another of my professional friends is around. Now I am with my social-worker friend. I am standing in front of her, just in my black underwear shorts, very conscious of being almost naked. We are in some sort of larger office area. I'm not sure who else is around, if indeed there are others around, but we are there during regular daytime office hours. My social worker friend looks me up and down. I self-consciously wonder if she likes what she sees. I think of myself as a little flabby, but overall nice looking. I'm turned on. To others, I would *feel* to them much better than I look.

Jump to Gillian's Dream site to read about dreaming being naked in public

This morning I realize that I am an exhibitionist. Not in a seamy way, not at all. It's just that I want others to pay attention to me, recognize me, love me.

My problem is that I have no easy form for expression in the world. Though good-looking, I'm not some great beautiful male specimen. Though highly intelligent, I have no substantive academic credentials, or honed professional resume, so I cannot get recognition in those ways. Instead I act out.

I seem to create crisis situations as a way of drawing attention to myself. I'm not really conscious of creating these situations, but these crises certainly have appeared in my life, and rather frequently. These are self-destructive crises, rather than situations that harm others. Although in adolescence I have experienced more than my share of crisis requiring societal intervention, my crises within the last few decades have manifested as crises of self-support on earth - emotional (as in emotional self-image), financial, career. These crises are painful.

The problem is, my crises are not enough to get the attention I need from others. My dilemma is dysfunctional, perhaps to a very strong extent indeed, but I haven't found the way to work my problems through. I look for help from others and perhaps contrive to call for help more or less loudly in semi-conscious ways.

What can I expect? I've learned that as humans, we are all more or less fragile, flawed, and limited. I've learned that I am fully human. All of us are pre-occupied with working out our own life dilemmas. It's not going to work for me to seek or expect fulfillment from others. Only God can fulfill.

I don't know what I want, whether to be rescued, therapeuticized, or loved. Maybe all of these, or more, or something else. In any case, I'm not managing to get enough to meet my rather high ante. It seems that the only means capable of fulfilling my needs is Spirit. Still, as a full human being, here on earth, in this grand play, I feel I must utilize my human, physical tools to play my part until I either find my match, or am destroyed in the process.

I sense that I'm very powerful, but not powerful enough to meet the demands of this power. This is not *my* power really, but it is what has been given to me - through high-intellect, sensitivity and profound, sometimes deeply spiritual, experiences. But so far I've mostly only hurt myself. I'm not sure how to handle this power and this power doesn't go away.

I've set my life up to handle this power. What else can I do? My deep self has been chiseled and sculpted by this power, both internally and overtly. This power is like a high-pressure fire hose that so far, has expressed it's torrential flows in rather misdirected and wasteful ways. I've learned a lot from the expressions of this power, but so often the lessons have been learned at rather painful cost. I sense there are other ways to hold this power, but my dilemma is that it seems I won't know them until I have learned mastery. I am not in mastery until I have thoroughly understood my lessons and am properly utilizing the gifts that have been both given and won.

My exhibitionism is bound up with all the areas of my life, the gifts as well as the debilities. Although I am attention-seeking, I've learned that I genuinely love people and that this is a gift. Although the events of my life have often shown up as intense and awkward, I am genuinely spiritual, deeply so. My flair for the dramatic is an attempt at worthy expression of acute spectrums of pleasure and pain I percieve through high intelligence and sensitivity.

I truly and deeply desire that we all find our true expressions. Though mixed with false images and faulty personal filters, I believe I have had genuine visions of world awareness, high awareness, our heart of hearts singing together. Whether these visions are to embodied in any particular form or degree I cannot say. These are authentic dreams nevertheless and I will continue to attempt their expression.

Bob Manrodt

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