SILICON SOAPWARE wafting your way along the slipstreams of the Info Highway from Bubbles = Tom Digby = bubbles@well.com http://www.well.com/~bubbles/ Issue #167 New Moon of August 1, 2008 Contents copyright 2008 by Thomas G. Digby, with a liberal definition of "fair use". In other words, feel free to quote excerpts elsewhere (with proper attribution), post the entire zine (verbatim, including this notice) on other boards that don't charge specifically for reading the zine, link my Web page, and so on, but if something from here forms a substantial part of something you make money from, it's only fair that I get a cut of the profits. Silicon Soapware is available via email with or without reader feedback. Details of how to sign up are at the end. ********************* Here we are at the start of a new month. To me August is sort of a melancholy month because when I was young it meant that summer vacation would soon end and I would be going back to school. I didn't really dislike school. In fact, I enjoyed many of the classes, especially science and math. What I really disliked was having to get up at a set time in the morning. As I recall, I also felt similarly about Sunday School, although that started about an hour later than regular school so I didn't have to get up quite as early on Sundays. Adding to my dislike of Sunday School and church was the fact that I had to wear a suit and tie. That could get quite uncomfortable in the warmer months, especially when Mom and my sister insisted on keeping the car windows closed so the breeze wouldn't mess up their hair. This was around the early 1950's, before air conditioning in cars was the norm. In later years the church building had air conditioning, but during the first few years we went there it didn't. To make up for the lack of air conditioning the church had fans. Think of a piece of cardboard a little smaller than a piece of 8 1/2 x 11 letter-size paper with one of those wooden tongue depressor sticks stapled to it for a handle. The cardboard would usually have some sort of scene from the Bible printed on one side, with an ad, usually for a local mortuary, on the other. There was much rejoicing when the church put in air conditioning. That brings back more childhood memories of watching Dad work on the technical side of the system, but that's for another time. ********************* Another thing I recall about going to Sunday School was being told that our local church had a missionary in the Belgian Congo. This was back when most of Africa was governed by European rulers and Americans generally didn't ask picky questions about how those rulers governed the lands under their care. Little did we imagine that a decade or two later Americans would be taking up exotic religions from places like India and Asia. ********************* One of the things various exotic religions may have given us is the cartoon cliche of a guru (more or less a generic mystical wise man or hermit or the like) sitting high up on a mountain, with someone climbing up the mountain to ask a question. There are two main versions of the scene. In one, the guru is sitting on a ledge partway up the mountain, with a cave entrance right behind him. Presumably he lives in the cave when he isn't sitting out front meditating and answering questions. We seldom if ever see what's in the cave or how big it is or whether it might have other entrances and exits elsewhere on the mountain. But we can assume that the setup is sufficient to satisfy the guru's needs. The other version the guru sitting on the very peak, often on a blanket or cushion or some such, but with no hint of any kind of support system. So does he have a house or hut or cave or something partway down the mountain? Or does he just sit out in the open all day every day, rain or shine? Does he sleep sitting up, or does he have a bed hidden away somewhere? And what, if anything, does he eat? Do assistants or acolytes or some such bring stuff up the mountain to him, or does someone in a helicopter handle deliveries to all the gurus in that general area, or what? I could see him keeping a cell phone and calling for pizza when he gets hungry, but do the pizza places deliver to the tops of mountains? Or is pizza one of the things people give up when they become gurus? Do would-be gurus also have to give up cell phones? Or can they keep the ringer set on Silent and just use it for outgoing calls? It might be handy in case of emergencies. No, I don't really know what kinds of emergencies gurus have on the tops of mountains. Do they have the medical stuff men their age who spend most of their days sitting in one spot have to worry about, or is that not a problem because they don't eat as much junk food? Not being able to get pizza delivered may have its good side. Are mountaintop gurus in any danger from wild animals? And don't forget, sitting on the very top of any hill or mountain can increase your chances of being struck by lightning. Or do gurus not have to worry about any of that stuff? Maybe part of becoming a guru is learning how to shield your aura or whatever so you don't have to worry about worldly dangers like lightning or starvation or not having the money to pay your cell phone bill. Not having been to Guru School, I can't say. ********************* You may notice that I've been using male pronouns when talking about cartoon gurus atop mountains. I did consider the matter of female gurus once: http://www.well.com/user/bubbles/SS0152.txt My conclusion at the time was that they may be harder to draw in a way that makes it clear you're looking at a female guru. The common symbols of cartoon guru-hood (robe, long hair, beard) don't work the same way for women as for men. So until some Female Cartoon Guru Association starts protesting (and in the process gives us some new icons), the path of least resistance is to draw male gurus. ********************* The whole question of gurus having cell phones may be moot if there's no service in the area. How good is cell phone coverage of mountain peaks in general? And what if the cell phone company wanted to put a tower on the mountain to cover the surrounding area? Would that force the guru to go sit somewhere else? Even if there was room atop the mountain for the guru to sit next to the tower, would the electromagnetic radiation bother him? Or do gurus learn to not be bothered by that kind of thing? Traditionally they're supposed to be able to transcend the cares of the mundane world, so cell phone radiation could be just another item on the list. Do they teach about cell phones in Guru School nowadays? ********************* Also, do they teach gurus to use computers? A computer could be useful for such things as a Web-based FAQ where the seekers can look up their questions and possibly save themselves the long climb up the mountain. A computer database could also help keep track of which mountain peaks have gurus on them and which don't. That would save some hapless seeker the disappointment of climbing all the way up some mountain, only to find nothing there but rocks and dirt and maybe some snow or whatever else is normally found atop mountains that don't have gurus sitting on them. ********************* More questions about gurus on mountains: When you graduate from Guru School and are ready to go sit on a mountain answering questions asked by all and sundry, what determines which mountain you get to sit on? Do you just sort of wander around until you find a good one that appears to be vacant, or is there some central clearing house that assigns gurus to mountains, or what? I've noticed that some gurus sit atop the very peak of their mountain, while others sit on ledges partway up. Does how high up the mountain you get to sit depend on some sort of ranking or seniority or something? And if so, which locations are considered "best"? The very peak might seem to symbolize the pinnacle of achievement, but then the ledges partway up usually include a cave, while the peaks don't. So are the ledge sites better because you can store stuff in your cave and take shelter there during inclement weather, or are the peaks better because sitting on the very peak means you've progressed beyond the need for a cave? Or do different traditions have different views on this? ********************* Gurus are supposedly able to resist worldly temptations. But suppose one succumbs. He breaks away from his teachers and starts his own sect. His followers eventually number in the millions. And over the years those faithful give him huge piles of money. He has a TV show that's seen world-wide, and has published a number of best-selling books and CD's and DVD's of his teachings. There's even an escalator up the side of his mountain now, so those seekers who are lucky enough to get an appointment to see him don't have to exert themselves. And there's an ATM there for donations. It goes beyond that. He never did like sitting out there on top of an uncomfortable mountain in all kinds of weather, so he's installed a dummy with a built-in intercom system, like the fake clown that takes drive-thru orders at some fast-food places. So now he answers questions from the comfort of a mansion in some tropical paradise. There are rumors that he's bankrolling speech-recognition research. Once it's perfected he won't have to be bothered with answering questions at all. He's supposedly making plans to expand into some kind of corporate chain operation, with question-and-answer sites all over the world, many of them on fake mountains built for the purpose. The Guru Association isn't happy with all this, but there isn't much they can do about it. They could in theory vote him off his mountain, but that would take a majority vote, and most of the other gurus are more inclined to just let things be and go with the flow, at least for now. So life goes on, even if most of his pontifications about the meaning of it are bogus. ********************* Tired of writing about gurus on mountain tops, I decided to write something about Mars instead. But alas, this spelling checker wants to change "Barsoom" to "Barroom". What if Edgar Rice Burroughs had had this spelling checker? It could have persuaded Burroughs to change "Barsoom" to "Barroom", whereupon John Carter would have not have had all those adventures on Mars. Instead, he would have just drunk himself into a stupor. The resulting stories wouldn't have been as interesting, and might not have gotten published at all. And even if they had gotten published, would anybody have bothered to read them? Maybe a few, but not many. So they would have sunk into a sea of obscurity, a sort of Davy Jones's Locker of the mind. So we should probably be thankful that Edgar Rice Burroughs did not have this spelling checker. ********************* Speaking of gurus, whether or not they're on mountains: Problems My friend had been sort of wilting lately, Turning pale and faded and a little blurry around the edges. Regular doctors saw nothing in particular wrong, So I took him to the local guru. "Needs problems," said the guru with only a quick glance. "Of course he has problems," I replied, "That's why I brought him to you." "I didn't say he HAS problems. I said he NEEDS problems. His problem is that he doesn't have problems, And not having problems can be a very serious problem." "Huh?" say I, and he explains again. After a few more rounds it sinks in: Man is a problem-solving creature, Evolved, or created, or whatever, to solve problems, And a problem-solver without problems is nothing. Some instinctively know this, As sales of puzzles show. But others need to have problems thrust upon them. "You mean I should let the air out of his tires, Hide his morning paper in the bushes, Or invent foolish errands for him to run? Or should I get more serious, Hinting of rumors of downsizing at work, And asking his landlord to make noises about eviction?" "Professional opinions among gurus differ, But even if threatening problems are better than none at all, I'd try happy problems first." Happy problems? Those are the ones we face gladly, Like a painter needing to choose colors for a sunset Because she chose to try to capture it on canvas. Or being out on the lake in a boat with your fishing pole, Wondering exactly where they'll be biting And how to sneak up on them without scaring them off. Some, like scientists, get paid to solve happy problems. Others must seek problems elsewhere. But they're easy to find. Was there something my friend could do to help his other friends? Some way he could contribute to making a better world? Or even something as trivial As suggesting a closing line for this poem? The prognosis looks quite good. -- Thomas G. Digby written 19:00 03/15/1995 ********************* HOW TO GET SILICON SOAPWARE EMAILED TO YOU There are two email lists, one that allows reader comments and one that does not. Both are linked from http://www.plergb.com/Mail_Lists/Silicon_Soapware_Zine-Pages.html If you are already receiving Silicon Soapware and want to unsubscribe or otherwise change settings, the relevant URL should be in the footer appended to the end of this section in the copy you received. Or you can use the above URL to navigate to the appropriate subscription form, which will also allow you to cancel your subscription or change your settings. -- END --