SILICON SOAPWARE wafting your way along the slipstreams of the Info Highway from Bubbles = Tom Digby = bubbles@well.sf.ca.us = bubbles@well.com http://www.well.com/~bubbles/ Issue #85 New Moon of December 14, 2001 Contents copyright 2001 by Thomas G. Digby, with a liberal definition of "fair use". In other words, feel free to quote excerpts elsewhere (with proper attribution), post the entire zine (verbatim, including this notice) on other boards that don't charge specifically for reading the zine, link my Web page, and so on, but if something from here forms a substantial part of something you make money from, it's only fair that I get a cut of the profits. Silicon Soapware is available via email with or without reader feedback. Details of how to sign up are at the end. ********************* According to a recent news item, a counterfeiter successfully passed a fake $200 bill at a fast-food place, getting merchandise plus $198 in change. The $200 bill in question had a picture of President Bush and the White House with a "We Like Broccoli" sign. I could see an argument to the effect that since there's no such thing as a $200 bill, there was nothing to compare it with to tell that it was fake. So should the Treasury put out a notice along the lines of "We don't print a $200 bill, but if we did this is what it would look like," along with whatever image Treasury officials think might be the most likely candidate were they ever to print a $200 bill? Problem is, the number of denominations of bills they don't print is quite large, so it would be an expensive undertaking. Would the number of counterfeiters who try to pass (for example) fake $47.23 bills be worth printing up "We don't print a $47.23 bill, but if we did this is what it would look like"? And if they did have such samples for every possible denomination, what if a counterfeiter made one that looked like the sample? Would the part about "We don't print ..." be enough to arouse the clerk's suspicions? Possibly not, since retail clerking may be one of those jobs that if you can do it really well, you'll probably be doing something else instead. ********************* As most readers probably know, the Harry Potter movie is about a young magic-user going off to a boarding school to learn wizardry. One thing I got to thinking about after seeing this movie was that the only classes shown deal with magic. But given the age of the children, shouldn't they also be learning the "Three R's" along with the other non- magical stuff kids of that age would be learning? Is there some reason that material isn't being taught? Or can we assume that it is indeed being taught, but where we, the audience, don't see it? I was also noticing the apparent absence of non-magical technology. The school seems to be lit mainly by candles and lanterns, and we don't see any TV sets or computers or even film projectors. Why? I was going to suggest that maybe magic and non-magical technology don't mix, but then I recalled one scene involving magic and a motorcycle. So is there some reason that it's not advisable for beginning students to mix magic and non-magic even if it is possible? Do they take different modes of thinking, or interact in confusing ways? If that's the case there could be another wing of the school we haven't seen yet where advanced students learn things like how to do magic around computers without messing up either the computer or the spell. ********************* In the light of the flap over the proposal to set up secret "military tribunals" to try suspected terrorists, a slogan popped into my mind: The President is not Commander-in-Chief of the Judiciary. ********************* A question about the Putri-DOS Gooey Interface (tm) Q: How do I protect my system against email viruses? A: There's one very important setting that needs to be changed. In the Main Menu, go to MENU/Beverages/Nonalcoholic/Other/Finished Dining/Work On Computer/Email/Security/Compatibility. There you will find a check box labeled "Accept All Viruses". This is checked by default to emulate a certain major competitor whose lawyers won't let us mention their name. Uncheck it. Exit back up the menu tree, and reboot. It will still be possible for some viruses to get through, but this will eliminate the great majority of them. ********************* If anvils grew on trees, some people would sleep under anvil trees and then blame others for their bumps and bruises. ********************* There was a news item about how they're installing radiation detectors at the White House to screen people coming in, lest someone try to nuke the place. That reminded me that some wristwatches are radioactive. It's what makes luminous dials glow. Will luminous-dial watches confuse the detectors? Will the authorities start restricting what kinds of watches people can wear in the White House? And will the airport security people also start worrying about what kinds of timepieces and other legitimately radioactive items people carry on board planes? ********************* Two people are walking around the duck pond at a park. Primus: What's the date today? Secundus: December 7. Why? Primus: It's safe to cross the bridge over the pond today. Secundus: Huh? Primus: On odd-numbered days of the month the concrete slabs of the bridge won't flip over like trapdoors to dump unwary park-goers into the water. Secundus: (Somewhat surprised) Do they do that on even-numbered days? Primus: Not as far as I know. Secundus: Do they EVER do it? Primus: Probably not. I've never heard of it happening, and I don't think they even have the mechanism built into the bridge. Secundus: So why even ask? Can't we just assume it won't happen? Primus: I just thought you'd feel safer being told explicitly that it's not a problem today. Secundus: (Trying to change the subject) I'm getting hungry. Is there a place around here we can have lunch? Primus: There's a McDonald's in that shopping center in the next block. I'm reasonably sure it's safe. Secundus: Safe? Primus: I believe December is a month in which they don't sneakily serve antimatter hamburgers to blow unsuspecting customers to Kingdom Come. Secundus: You "believe"? Can't you ask? Primus: Management doesn't always tell the rank and file all the details of such things. And besides, they might have been told to lie about it. But you can ask if you want to. Secundus: Why me? Why don't you ask them? Primus: If you ask about that kind of thing too often they start looking at you funny. ********************* At a recent musical event someone mentioned playing the washboard. That got me to thinking about non-musical things used as musical instruments. What else is there besides the washboard? There's also the musical saw, although that's fairly rare. Another person mentioned the steel drums used in some Caribbean cultures, although that may be borderline because the original metal barrel is fairly heavily modified to make it into a musical instrument. So what other non-musical items are commonly used as musical instruments with minimal modification? And is the use of non-musical items for making music more common in some cultures than others? As I was talking with someone else there I smelled something odd. It took me a few minutes to identify it as rosin, possibly picked up from one of the fiddle players. Before I'd identified the smell I thought it was the person's breath, but I don't think a man would have rosin breath unless he was some kind of were-tree. Is there a story idea here? ********************* There was a news item about unseasonably warm weather on the East Coast. Some residents were saying that it was too warm, and didn't feel like Christmas season. That reminded me of thoughts of frequent time travelers suffering something analogous to jet leg, but based on switching seasons suddenly. They go from Christmas to July to Halloween to Easter, and it all starts to feel mixed up and not quite real. Has much been written about this? ********************* Comes now the time for the traditional reprinting of THE CHRISTMAS CAT Once upon a time in a village In a little mountain valley in Borschtenstein Lived a wicked millionaire Whose hobby was foreclosing mortgages And sending people out into the snow. He also took great pride in having The best Christmas decorations in the village. Also in this same village In the little valley in Borschtenstein Lived a poor family Whose mortgage, which came due on Christmas, Was designed to be impossible to pay off. The Christmas weather forecast was for snow And the millionaire's eviction lawyers were waiting. Now this wicked millionaire In the valley village etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, Also had the monopoly on Christmas trees To be sure of having the prettiest Christmas decorations In the whole village. Thus the poor family had nothing at all To put their presents under. Now by chance it so happened In that village in etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, The wicked millionaire had evicted his cat Because its ears and tail were the wrong color And it hadn't paid its mortgage. And the poor family had taken it in And given it a home. So just before Christmas When the Good Fairies asked the animals of the village About people in need and deserving of help The poor family got the highest recommendation. "We will help them!" said the elves and fairies, "They won't have to worry about that mortgage And they'll have the prettiest Christmas decorations in town!" The mortgage was really not much problem: If the millionaire couldn't throw people out into the snow He wouldn't bother throwing them out at all. So the elves spoke to the North Wind and they agreed: No more snow to throw people out into. Some people in the village would have liked snow to play in But agreed the sacrifice was for a good cause. Christmas trees were more of a problem: They had already given them out to other needy families And there were none left at all. They rummaged around in forgotten corners But not a Christmas tree could they find. Then someone had an idea: "Let's decorate their cat!" While one of the elves who spoke Feline Worked out the details with the cat The fairies flew around gathering decorations: Borrowed bits of light from small stars nobody ever notices, Streamers of leftover comet tails, And other assorted trinkets From odd corners of the universe. So the poor family gathered around their Christmas cat And sang songs and opened presents And had the happiest Christmas imaginable While all agreed they had the prettiest decorations The village had ever seen And the millionaire's eviction lawyers Waited in vain for snow. So that is why, to this day, In that valley village in Borschtenstein, It never snows Unless the eviction lawyers are out of town And every year the millionaire tries to decorate a Christmas cat But gets nothing for his pains But bleeding scratches. EPILOGUE: While overnight miracles are rare outside of story books, Even those who learn slowly do learn. So keep checking the weather reports for Borschtenstein. If some Christmas it snows there You will know the millionaire has given up being wicked And has found a truer meaning Of Christmas. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May you have the happiest Yule/Christmas/Hanukkah/Solstice/Whatever imaginable! Thomas G. Digby ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ first draft written 0115 hr 12/25/74 this version edited 2320 hr 12/14/86 ********************* HOW TO GET SILICON SOAPWARE EMAILED TO YOU If you're getting it via email and the Reply-to in the headers is ss_talk@bubbles.best.vwh.net you're getting the list version, and anything you send to that address will be posted. That's the one you want if you like conversation. There's usually a burst of activity after each issue, often dying down to almost nothing in between. Any post can spark a new flurry at any time. If there's no mention of "bubbles.best.vwh.net" in the headers, you're getting the BCC version. That's the one for those who want just Silicon Soapware with no banter. The zine content is the same for both. To get on the conversation-list version point your browser to http://bubbles.best.vwh.net/cgi-bin/mojo/mojo.cgi and select the ss_talk list. Enter your email address in the space provided and hit Signup. 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