SILICON SOAPWARE wafting your way along the slipstreams of the Info Highway from Bubbles = Tom Digby = bubbles@well.com http://www.well.com/~bubbles/ Issue #147 New Moon of December 20, 2006 Contents copyright 2006 by Thomas G. Digby, with a liberal definition of "fair use". In other words, feel free to quote excerpts elsewhere (with proper attribution), post the entire zine (verbatim, including this notice) on other boards that don't charge specifically for reading the zine, link my Web page, and so on, but if something from here forms a substantial part of something you make money from, it's only fair that I get a cut of the profits. Silicon Soapware is available via email with or without reader feedback. Details of how to sign up are at the end. ********************* Christmas is getting closer and closer. Eventually it will be here, and then it will be gone. Most holidays do that. But what if one didn't? What if there was some festival or holiday or something that never got closer? Perhaps it's constantly being rescheduled so it's always, for example, between two and three weeks away. People would, of course, figure out what was happening, so they would procrastinate on their preparations for it, which may be just as well. The fun of it all might be in bragging about the grand plans you're making, secure in the knowledge that you'll never have to make good on any of it. Stores could also keep repeating their pre-holiday sales, knowing that no matter how full their shelves are they'll never have to drop their prices to post-holiday clearance levels. Problem is, people can put off buying, so the stores may not really sell all that much. That may be a good thing if you don't like commercialized holidays. Children could pose another problem: How do you keep them anticipating a holiday that never gets any closer? Would it be something they would eventually outgrow, like fairy tales and belief in Santa Claus? Possible questions about this abound. Answers do not. ********************* When I went to reserve a room for an upcoming convention, I noticed a slogan on the Hotel's Web page: "If you can dream it, we can make it happen." I doubt they really mean that literally, given some of the dreams I've had or that others have told me about. I can also see it as a plot for a horror movie, if they include nightmares and if the dreamer isn't the one making the final decision on whether or not to realize a given dream. ********************* Now for a special guest appearance: This is Santa Claus, with a special request to all the good little boys and girls who will be getting computers from me this Christmas. I'm running a very special Internet email test. The elves who build computers for me, in special cooperation with Microsoft, Apple, and the Linux folks, have created some extra-special software. It looks at all emails sent or received by the machine it's on, and tells me when you send or receive any email containing certain Magic Words. I plan to use this in the future to check who's being bad or good by what kinds of emails they're sending and receiving. Right now I'm still just testing the basic concept. So here's what I want all you good boys and girls to do. Whenever you send an email, make sure it uses at least three different words that start with the letters "bw". They can be real words like "bwana", or you can make up your own words, like "bwimwiddle" or "bwormpty". The only requirement is that they start with "bw" and be spelled so most people will be able to at least sort of figure out how to pronounce them. You don't have to say, or even know, what they mean. They don't even have to mean anything. They just have to start with "bw". Here's the good part: Starting this Christmas, and running through the Sunday before Easter, every time a computer that has my elves' special software on it sends or receives an email with three different "bw" words, it will tell my elves. They in turn will put all the names in the From: or To: or CC: lines of that email on a special list that they will give to my good friend the Easter Bunny. Then on Easter morning the Easter Bunny will give everybody on that list a crisp new twenty-dollar bill, printed by my elves at the North Pole in special cooperation with the U.S. Treasury Department. So send those magic "bw" words to everyone you know, no matter how old their computer is, and encourage them to send their "bw" words to you. Terms, conditions, and restrictions may apply. There is no warranty. Offer may be discontinued at any time. I know some of you will have questions. Q: "English doesn't have many 'bw' words. Why did you pick those letters?" A: I chose "bw" for this initial round of tests precisely because there aren't very many "bw" words. That way they'll stand out from ordinary text, making it easy for my elves to double-check things manually. Once we've proven the basic concept and are working on the finer points, we can be more subtle. Q: "Why would anybody give money away like that?" A: I'm Santa Claus. Giving stuff away is my job. Q: "Web sites like snopes.com say this whole thing is bogus." A: Most of the people running those sites don't believe in me. Looking this offer up there will count as being Bad. Don't do it. Q: "Isn't this like spying on people?" A: Of course it is. But then Santa Claus has always spied on children all over the world. I see them when they're sleeping. I know when they're awake. I know when they've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake. There's even a song about that. Q: "Isn't printing your own money kind of like counterfeiting?" A: I'm actually doing the U.S. Treasury people a favor by saving them the cost of printing that money. And they know that if they get grumpy about it, I'll list them as having been Bad and not bring them any of the things they've asked for this Christmas. The same thing goes for Microsoft and Apple if they get grumpy about my elves copying their software. And Intel knows better than to complain about that chip fabrication line I have under the ice up here at the North Pole. Likewise for mother boards. And don't get me started about the big movie studios and record companies with their "intellectual property". Toymaking isn't as simple as it used to be back in the days of rag dolls and rocking horses and tin soldiers. But I digress. Anyway, back to the original point: Send email containing at least three different words starting with "bw" to as many different people as you can between Christmas and Easter. Use the computer you get this Christmas, if you get one. If not, use any computer and hope some of the people you send the mail to got computers for Christmas. And then encourage others to send emails with "bw" words to you. If you can't find enough real "bw" words, make some up. And I, Santa Claus, will reward you. Merry Christmas! ********************* One thing that's not currently on my Christmas list: Pontoon shoes, for walking on water if you're not Jesus. They're sort of like two kayaks, one for each foot. One problem with pontoon shoes is that they're kind of unstable in normal use and if you fall over, you'll be hanging head down under water, with only your feet above the surface. Depending on your body build and weight distribution, that position may be stable. So you'll also need a breathing tube. Fasten one end to the pontoon shoes so it'll be up in the air when you're upside down underwater, and hook the other end to a scuba mouthpiece or whatever. IMPORTANT: Try to keep the tube from getting full of water. That can be really bad. If the breathing tube works and you have the right distribution of body mass you can walk upside down under water with your feet at the surface in the pontoon shoes. Sort of the opposite of Jesus walking on water. Then if you're around where other people who are fed up with the Religious Right can see you they may want pontoon shoes of their own so they too can walk upside down under water, sort of the opposite of Jesus. Another advantage of doing it that way is that if it rains you won't get any wetter. Come to think of it, I could probably make a gazillion dollars selling pontoon shoes in places where the Religious Right doesn't control the market and people don't want to get rained on while walking on water. So who here is good at writing business plans? ********************* Overheard in a fast-food restaurant: An adult telling a child, "You can't be full. You still have food left." Are they setting the kid up for a future weight problem? ********************* While reading an online discussion of cell phones in movie theaters, I had a thought: Make them part of the show. Imagine a remake of "Peter Pan" with the scene where Tinker Bell is dying: "If you believe in fairies, pick up your cell phone and call (900) [some number]. You will be charged a dollar a minute, but isn't it worth it to save Tinker Bell?" ********************* Nothing is definite yet, but the vwh.net Web page that has my poetry archive may be moving in a couple of months. This shouldn't affect the rest of my site, which is on well.com. So if you go to look up a poem and the poetry archive isn't there any more, don't be alarmed. Just follow the links from the relevant part of the Scenic Route, or do a search on whatever phrases you can recall that are unlikely to be in too many other people's sites. The email discussion list may also be moving. Keep an eye on the stuff at the bottom of new issues of Silicon Soapware for more, if and when it happens. I'll also try to post a notice to the current list before any such move. ********************* We're just in time for the traditional reprinting of THE CHRISTMAS CAT Once upon a time in a village In a little mountain valley in Borschtenstein Lived a wicked millionaire Whose hobby was foreclosing mortgages And sending people out into the snow. He also took great pride in having The best Christmas decorations in the village. Also in this same village In the little valley in Borschtenstein Lived a poor family Whose mortgage, which came due on Christmas, Was designed to be impossible to pay off. The Christmas weather forecast was for snow And the millionaire's eviction lawyers were waiting. Now this wicked millionaire In the valley village etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, Also had the monopoly on Christmas trees To be sure of having the prettiest Christmas decorations In the whole village. Thus the poor family had nothing at all To put their presents under. Now by chance it so happened In that village in etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, The wicked millionaire had evicted his cat Because its ears and tail were the wrong color And it hadn't paid its mortgage. And the poor family had taken it in And given it a home. So just before Christmas When the Good Fairies asked the animals of the village About people in need and deserving of help The poor family got the highest recommendation. "We will help them!" said the elves and fairies, "They won't have to worry about that mortgage And they'll have the prettiest Christmas decorations in town!" The mortgage was really not much problem: If the millionaire couldn't throw people out into the snow He wouldn't bother throwing them out at all. So the elves spoke to the North Wind and they agreed: No more snow to throw people out into. Some people in the village would have liked snow to play in But agreed the sacrifice was for a good cause. Christmas trees were more of a problem: They had already given them out to other needy families And there were none left at all. They rummaged around in forgotten corners But not a Christmas tree could they find. Then someone had an idea: "Let's decorate their cat!" While one of the elves who spoke Feline Worked out the details with the cat The fairies flew around gathering decorations: Borrowed bits of light from small stars nobody ever notices, Streamers of leftover comet tails, And other assorted trinkets From odd corners of the universe. So the poor family gathered around their Christmas cat And sang songs and opened presents And had the happiest Christmas imaginable While all agreed they had the prettiest decorations The village had ever seen And the millionaire's eviction lawyers Waited in vain for snow. So that is why, to this day, In that valley village in Borschtenstein, It never snows Unless the eviction lawyers are out of town And every year the millionaire tries to decorate a Christmas cat But gets nothing for his pains But bleeding scratches. EPILOGUE: While overnight miracles are rare outside of story books, Even those who learn slowly do learn. So keep checking the weather reports for Borschtenstein. If some Christmas it snows there You will know the millionaire has given up being wicked And has found a truer meaning Of Christmas. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May you have the happiest Yule/Christmas/Hanukkah/Solstice/Whatever imaginable! Thomas G. Digby ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ first draft written 0115 hr 12/25/74 this version edited 2320 hr 12/14/86 format cleaned up 14:19 12/22/2001 ********************* HOW TO GET SILICON SOAPWARE EMAILED TO YOU NOTE: Some of these addresses may change. Check the latest issue you have. If you're getting it via email and the Reply-to in the headers is ss_talk@bubbles.best.vwh.net you're getting the list version, and anything you send to that address will be posted. That's the one you want if you like conversation. There's usually a burst of activity after each issue, often dying down to almost nothing in between. Any post can spark a new flurry at any time. If there's no mention of "bubbles.best.vwh.net" in the headers, you're getting the BCC version. That's the one for those who want just Silicon Soapware with no banter. The zine content is the same for both. 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