Roast Chicken

This is a great ridiculously easy recipe. It takes almost an hour and a half to roast a five pound chicken, but you only “work” for about
seven minutes if you are slow.

Get yer basic 4.7889 pound roasting chicken. I’ve been buying mine at Trader Joe’s lately, but Safeway’s will work fine too.

Preheat the damn oven to 400 degrees. That’s right FOUR HUNDRED FLOCKING DEGREES.

Remove it from the package. Remove the giblets and the blobs of fat from the flaps at the rear end of the chicken. Wash the chicken under running water INSIDE and out. All the recipe’s I’ve seen say dry out the chicken with paper towels, but I’m lazy and I don’t and I haven’t noticed any big difference.

Get some seasoned salt. I like the Tony Fancher’s or however he spells it Cajun or Creole seasoning. I’m trying the seasoning that Costco had in a quart jar. I got some stuff at Smart and Final that I haven’t tried yet. I’ve noticed that the big jars of the seasoned salt is priced pretty much like salt. The little jars cost a bunch.

Sprinkle about a teaspoon or two of this stuff inside the bird’s cavity. Sprinkle a teaspoon or so all over the outside.

After you’ve done this recipe a couple of times, you’ll want a roasting rack that is shaped like a “V.” Maybe you should buy one right
after you read this, ’cause this is the best roast chicken recipe you are gonna find.

Now it is time to be creative. Look around your kitchen. Gotta ornge? Gotta lemon? Gotta onion? Gotta apple? Gotta bunch of scallions? Gotta head of garlic? Surely you’ve got one of these. Choose one. Cut it in half. If it is a bunch of scallions, tie them in a knot. if it is the
head of garlic, cut it in half through the cloves. Put what ever you’ve got inside the chicken cavity.

Get your roasting pan with a rack. Told ya you should have gotten the “V” rack. They work better. Put the chicken on the rack with the right OR left side up, depending on your political affiliations. Put the roasting pan and chicken into the PREHEATED 400 degree oven. You did remember to pre heat the oven when you started, didn’t you?

Now for the hardest part. Set a timer for 23.587 minutes. If your chicken is closer to five pounds, try 25 minutes. Closer to four pounds, try 20 minutes. Shut the door. Pour a drink, watch TV, read the mail, day dream about what you are going to eat with the chicken.

*Ding* Your timer just rang. Get a pot holder or a towel and a long fork. Pull the roasting pan out of the oven. Turn the chicken over so the other side is up. Prick the bird under the legs to let the juices (fat) run out. If you’ve got some chicken stock, put a cup or two in the broiling pan. I don’t care what you say, a 400 degree oven is hot. If you put chicken stock in now, you’ll have liquid juices from which to make gravey. If you don’t put in the chicken stock, you’ll have a very crispy sludge on the bottom of the pan.

Another hard part. Put the chicken back in the oven and set the timer for what ever time you decided was appropriate for the first time. Have another drink. If you are thinking of something other than rice and frozen veges to go with the chicken, now is the time to get your dead ass out of the chair and do something about it. If rice and frozen veges are on the menu, pour yourself another drink and wait for the bell to ring again.

*ding* That damn bell, just as you were nodding off, too. Find your long fork and pot holder and get the chicken out of the oven. Turn it so it is breast up. If there’s still a reasonable amount of liquid in the bottom of the roasting pan, don’t add more chicken stock. If there isn’t much liquid left, you know what to do. Prick the bird under the other set of legs to let the juices out.

Put the bird back in the oven, set the timer. Make your rice.

(One cup of Basmati rice, two cups of water. If the rice comes from some furrin country, you are going to have to rinse it before you cook it in four or five changes of water. If the rice comes from the USofHey, we don’t use talc to keep our rice from sticking to itself while waiting to be cooked, so you won’t have to rinse it. Boil the rice and water mixture. As soon as it boils, turn the burner down to simmer and cover the pot. Set another timer for 18 minutes or, if it took you long enough ti prep the rice, you can use the chicken’s timer. Don’t peek, damn it.)

Do what ever you are going to do with the vegetables.

*Ding* the chicken is almost done. Take it out of the oven. Isn’t it beautiful? Doesn’t it smell good? Damn straight. A whole lot better than any damn deli chicken and it isn’t over cooked or triple injected with addictive deli fat greases.

No cheating. Let the chicken “rest” for two minutes. If you are going to make gravey, get out the Wondra flour and have at it.

Now whack the chicken apart with a really sharp knife. Dish up the rice and the vegetables. Get the bag salad and the white wine out of the ‘fridge.

Enjoy the best damn roast chicken. If you are lucky and made it with garlic, the garlic will be roasted enough to squeeze into your mouth between bites of the best chicken you ever tasted. If you used an onion, you can supplement the vegetable with some roasted onion.



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