advice.... health.... relationships
art and football....politics.... religion
technology....body odor ....sex
computers....international relations....television
some horiscopes....miracle cures....the WELL
happiness....music ....toilet paper
environment....pets
transportation.... food.... success
salt....work

Get down on all fours and lick your
computer

Computers never make mistakes.

Tom Mandel (mandel)

--------------------------------------------------
AI BREATHROUGH!

True artificial intelligence has been achieved by a group of midnight programmers, working in Prolog on a Vax 11/750 located in Sausa>*&#@$Q#$@ JJ<> W${EUS NP":JGB"R?GNB: IUP nnn,; 9ih n>>=++v

Howard Rheingold

--------------------------------------------------
CURE FOR SLOW RESPONSE TIME

Thanks to our online Unix Wizards, we have installed a new system that should totally eliminate all Picospan slowdowns. If the WELL seems to be acting sluggish, get down on all fours and lick your computer. That ought to fix things up. If the slowdown effect lingers, call me here at the Well office. The phones aren't working too well these days, so be sure to shout your message as loudly as possible.

MATTHEW MCLURE (WELL)

--------------------------------------------------
BAD INFORMATION presents TIDYFILE
a DBMS for every filing situation
10 REM TIDYFILE BY JUDY MALLOY
20 HOME : SPEED= 5: PRINT "TIDYFILE"
30 SPEED= 255: PRINT : PRINT : FLASH
: PRINT "A PERFECT FILER"
40 NORMAL : PRINT : PRINT : PRINT
"WHAT IS YOUR NAME"
50 INPUT NAME$
60 PRINT : PRINT : PRINT "HELLO "NAME$
70 PRINT "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO
CALL YOUR FILES"
80 INPUT FILE$
90 PRINT : PRINT : PRINT "WOULD "FILE$
100 PRINT "FIT INTO:"
110 PRINT : PRINT
120 PRINT " A SMALL WASTEBASKET"
130 PRINT " A TRASH CAN"
140 PRINT " A DEMPSEY DUMPSTER"
150 PRINT " SAN FRANCISCO BAY"
160 INPUT CHOICE$
165 SPEED= 5: PRINT " ": INVERSE
167 REM FOR BELLS AND WHISTLES PUT 3
CTRL-G'S BETWEEN THE QUOTES IN 165
170 PRINT : PRINT : PRINT "TO SOLVE
YOUR FILING PROBLEMS, "
180 PRINT "DUMP "FILE$" IN "CHOICE$
185 SPEED= 255: NORMAL
190 PRINT : PRINT "DO YOU HAVE ANY
MORE FILES, "NAME$
200 PRINT "YES OR NO"
210 INPUT ANSWER$
220 IF ANSWER$ = "YES" THEN GOTO 70
230 IF ANSWER$ = "NO" THEN GOTO 240
240 PRINT : PRINT "GOODBYE, "NAME$
250 PRINT "DON'T FORGET TO USE"
260 FLASH : PRINT "TIDYFILE"
270 NORMAL : PRINT "THE NEXT TIME
YOU HAVE FILING PROBLEMS!"
280 END

Judy Malloy (badinfo)

--------------------------------------------------
BAD PROGRAMMERS
In a suprise move, the Supreme Court announced today that from now on, it will be illegal for programmers to ""peek" and "poke". According to the majority opinion, we "can't have that going on in America".

Judy Malloy (badinfo)

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IBM produces state-of-the-art computers.
Pushing technology to its limits
.

David Hawkins (dhawk)

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A new oil paint jet printer was unveiled at CCAC this week. "Wow, now computers can make real art," said a local critic who wishes to remain anonymous.

Judy Malloy (badinfo)

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Will your software run on your new IBM clone?
If not, Bad Information suggests the following procedure:
Put the disk that won't work in the middle of a round table. If you are a man, put on a blue suit and conservative tie. If you are a woman, put on an apron. Put a lighted blue candle in the disk's hole. Run around the table 15 times , eating a frozen pepporoni pizza.
Note: you have to run very fast. It won't work if you run slowly.

Judy Malloy (badinfo)

--------------------------------------------------
Computers make everything easy.

Judy Malloy (badinfo)

--------------------------------------------------

END OF DATA

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