Enter here for a pictoral history of me:
a shameless, yet satirical retrospective of my silly life.
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
This section will take you to all the pictures
I've taken in my travels (including cycling trips). There are also sections
on people, events, and a collection of artsie-fartsie photos.
Try my Java game, Dots. It's the old game
you used to play as a kid where you connect-the-dots and score points if
you complete a square. Give it a try!
New short story! Rosie, California (reading time: 60-90 minutes)
George Foster is the last of a dying breed of good, honest politicians,
running for re-election for Mayor of San Bolina, California. His opponent is
just the opposite: a dirty, mud-slinging profiteer, masquerading as
a God-fearing proponent of family values.
Can George accept this new way of playing politics,
or does he give up and run away from his problems?
He finds the answers to both these questions in the small
town of Rosie, California.
Previously new short story: The Legacy (reading time: 20-30 minutes)
Imagine what it would
be like if you could read someone's mind. Not just what they are
thinking, but how they feel, including their experiences,
their emotions, their very being. Join Max the dog and his master when,
during a routine jogging run,
accidentally stumble upon a secret that allows them to do just this.
The following list of amusing anecdotes are things I picked up on
the net over many years. Keep in mind: this is satire.
Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods.
- Achieving 99.9% is good enough.
- Amazing Anagrams
- Bumper Stickers
- MORE Bumper Stickers
- Quips from comedians
- Quotes My favorites.
- More Quotes My favorites.
- Beer Quotes from famous people
- Sports Quotes
- Pooch Quotes
- Southern Non-Quotes
- Answering Machine messages.
- Hindsight is 20/20 vision.
- The Beast and his numbers
- Chickens: why they cross roads
- The Value of Time
- Morsels: one-line witticisms
- Idiot Test: how dumb are you?
- Rhetorical Questions. Don't ask.
- Quips from Steven Wright
- Warning: Pun Alert
- Getting Old
- Baby Boomers: Then and Now
- Deductive Reasoning
- Glossary: Today's Neologisms.
- French Sayings: c'est un scream!
- The V-Chip in books! Oy.
- Your First Mammogram.
- Women's T-shirts.
- T-shirt Sayings.
- Men are Lunatics and Women are Idiots.
- Quoting Women
- East/West Coast Translation Table
- Personal Ads
- Funny Signs
- Computer Viruses
- Cartoon Physics
- Big Deal!
- Dan Quayle, the scholar.
- Congress and Litebulbs
- Dogs and Litebulbs
- Light Bulbs: A Legal Contract
- Test your wits Try these puzzles!
- "Experts say..."
- The Blues: A How-To Guide
- Dr. Seuss: his lesser-known books.
- The Heroine Barbarian: an operetta.
- English: it's harder than you think.
- Sys-Admins and God: do they exist?
- School Prayer: A lesson in life
- Rosh Hashonna: Throwing of Bread
- Translations for personal ad lingo
- Chrissie Hynde: Advice to Chicks
- Scientology: Proof by proclamation...
- Australia: The not-founding of...
- Primate Psychology: An Experiment
- Los Angeles Driving Test
- Ethnicity of Jesus
A computer that composes music. Press here for the music,
or press here
for the article about it.
I used to write a lot of software for the
X Window System.
After doing that for many years,
talked me into writing a couple of books, which started me on a
prolific writing career. The following is a list of my published
books as well as other works.
Volume 6A: Motif Programming Manual
- Volume 7: XView Programming Manual (no web page; the book is obsolete)
- Foreword for Using Motif with C++
- Integrating Personal Computers in a Distributed Client-Server
Environment (edited by Raman Khana)
This book is a collection of papers written by various industry
experts. My contribution was the email chapter, which covers
cross-platform email systems, open systems architectures, and
integration of disparate networks. There is no web link available.
Other published works...
A lot of people ask me why my account name is argv and what
it means. Back in 1984, a friend of mine,
Don Hatch, and I got onto the computer
system at school
(UC Santa Cruz)
using a security password we weren't supposed to have.
My Work-Study Program
Since the only thing we wanted to do was create new accounts for ourselves
that wouldn't be removed at the end of the school year, we had to choose
mysterious account names so we wouldn't be recognized.
Without thinking ahead on this, we just used the first two words that came to
our heads: argc and argv. (For you non-technical people,
those are obscure terms that refer to the words that you type when entering
commands into a computer.)
We became well-known in our little community for that little stunt, and
by the time I got my first job out of school, my reputation had preceded me,
so they gave me "argv" as my account name. And it's been that way for every
employer I ever worked for. so, I kept it.
For more personal info, read my personal history.
All links have expired, so this section is now obsolete.
Thank you for your attention.
All text, photos and nose character animation © 1985-2000 Dan Heller.
(Other images not copyrighted unless otherwise noted.)